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The Day After

I completed another day on the new job without the aid of a computer. I'm a little out of place still at work, but it's coming. I'm starting to get a feel for the currents and processes of people. With any luck, by the end of this shift I'll be up to speed. I also found out today that my days off are actually going to fall opposite everyone else. That said, I won't be going home for the long weekend. I'll actually be putting in 18 days without a day off.

I've been reading Da Vinci Decoded by Michael Gelb, as per Sonja's recommendation. I'm enjoying it, but I've discovered that I have to be in a "not Trynn" state of mind to read it. Unfortunately, I've been in a Trynn state of mind for the past couple of days; that is cold, cynical and jaded. I have a hard time with books like Gelb's during this mindset; I'm not as open minded as I could be and when he uses examples that may seem frivolous or trivial (like Katie's four questions about "does _____ appreciate me?"), I tend to want to throw the book across the room. Part of me understands what he's saying, but the darker me laughs or gets annoyed and puts the book away. Trynn isn't interested in "self help", and doesn't trust those who offer "answers" to life's riddles. He knows the answers, sees the intricacies of true life, as it is without the trappings of intruding consciousnesses.

As for Sonja's other question, "but why doesn't she [Diane] want to read your blog though?" I think she's afraid. I scared her some time ago, when I had my "breakdown"; she saw too much, I shared too much and she almost ran from me completely. I've been hesitant to share much with people anymore. Even here, I don't talk much about the events of my breakdown. Perhaps I should. I can say that I sought "professional help" while I was having my breakdown, and was passed over by two "shrinks". Not their field, I was told. I fixed it on my own, sort of. I fractured my mind into pieces because I was out of balance. I took the strength from one mind to bring it back under control. I have a different balance now, maybe not a better one, but definitely one I'm more keenly aware of.

My ritual last night went better than I anticipated. When I was sealing the doors, I could actually see the pentagrams I made, first with the water and salt, and then with the incense. It was like they hung in the air, bands of energy. I was very excited.

Interesting, the familiar feeling of distance and brutal honesty.

posted by September @ 6:58 PM