Sideways
I haven't been expressing myself in a way that people understand lately. I think it's a result of the fear of saying too much, of watching my back, of having the paranoia that people are going to twist what I have to say and turn it against me. I generally keep my opinions to myself on a lot of things, and for the most part, this blog has become coded as a result. I've been using too much of my MotM characters to express issues I have, and I think a rift is forming between Sonja and I. To that end, and not just with Sonja, I've been pushing back my emotions, biting my tongue and bottling myself. So, I have somethings to get off my chest.Sonja, I'm proud of you and your efforts to develop global consciousness, to seek a more selfless lifestyle and just generally improve your world. And though I agree on issues of animal cruelty, fur farming, and oppression, I'm still not a "global" person. I likely never will be. I still make donations with Diane every year to the WWF and will continue to sign petitions against animal cruelty as I come across them. I don't consider myself willfully ignorant, I just have different drives.
My focus is, and always has been, on the power of the self and that interaction with energy and nature and people; how I affect my environment. I don't think this makes me selfish. On the contrary, I find I often put my needs and drives aside to make things "easier" for other people. This is something I'm proud of, and I think I've opened a lot of people to experiences that they might not have had otherwise. In that, I'm a problem solver and a teacher. Sometimes, on the downside, this makes me a facilitator.
I've always attempted to make my day-to-day existence simple, leaving me room to explore my deeper self, the other realms. I don't deny the physical world, and I'm not blind to it, but I don't bind myself to it. I would prefer, I think, the monastic lifestyle with a pagan twist, but I am also open to physical pleasures. I can't give myself wholly to the spiritual realm anymore than I can the physical. When I talk about balance, this is what I'm working to achieve, and my major tool for this is my intuition, which can be confusing to me sometimes. I'm not above saying or doing something wrong, but I'm also not afraid to make a stand for what I believe.
I'm sad to think that I've disappointed Sonja, if she's somehow outgrown me or if I've turned out to not be the "genius" she thought I was. But I'm also thankful to her for continuing to move my mind in other directions, for keeping me informed.
5 Comments:
that was a nice post but I don't understand why you wrote it. The other day on your blog you said
"I guess I can't help but wonder if I'd be smarter, more "in the know" if I exposed myself to more media. Or would I become that prententious ass who can only talk about the failing economy and how geopolitical climates are never going to sort themselves out? Or would I be less self involved? More self involved?"
so I responded with just general comments on the ifs and buts that weren't specific to you but to anybody who can relate to your post.
I'm sorry Trent, but I just don't know what you want, and maybe that's because you are cryptic. perhaps just saying it a bit plainer :)
I know I'm very cryptic. It's the atmosphere I'm in. Part of the reason I didn't blog at work, and also part of why I'm leaving.
And it's a combination of things that I wrote this, not all of them related to you, but you were in the forefront of my mind. You've been stand-offish and short lately, and not just with me, I don't think. I'm a worried about you, and just wanted to record that here.
And as for my previous post, the quote above was more or less rhetorical. I used the question to set up the conversation that followed between Lan and Xanth.
As for what I want... To live in a quiet house in the trees :) I'm in a mood today. You're forward of the petition reminded me of the dream I had this morning where I watched two hunters shoot a whole heard of elk and three wolves for sport. There was blood everywhere. Just kind of set me off, I guess.
I haven't been standoffish. I was annoyed at you "quit stalling" comment, that's true. You're still my favourite person in the world, aside from my family, but you do take things to extremes.
you're in a mood today, I was annoyed yesterday. I'm always annoyed; I have an annoying job that I do 10 hours a day so I get annoyed a lot.
I know I take things to extremes. And I understand you being annoyed. AND I'm getting anxious to be out of here.
... I'm your favorite person, eh?
you already knew that :)
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