Reset

Go Fish

Diane and I had a couple of long talks yesterday. It started in the morning with email that lasted through the work day and ended with a 2-1/2hr phone conversation. We had a really good talk, I think. When it comes to her, the hardest part for me is always keeping things from her. I said at the beginning of the year that I am endeavouring this year to be more honest, with myself and the people around me, and this is not only an extension of that, it is the focus of it.

I forget sometimes that her and I often have the similar ways of feeling. I'm not saying that we are the same, just similar. Alot of the time I doubt what I think she might have rolling around inside, I doubt my insticts about her, and miss the obvious connections of how we interact. How do I begin explaining what I mean? She doesn't always tell me when she knows things are off balance, but she has subtle ways of hinting at it; certain phrases, a mood, or other signs. I always "know" but don't see it. When I'm having a mood swing, for example, she's not the kind of person that will come running to make sure I'm ok. She won't hover and ask me six times if I'm ok. That's more my style. "You are the mother hen," she told me last night on the phone, "running around making sure all your chicks are ok." And it's true. That's why I haven't really taken the time off from work I desperately want; because I need to know that everything is fine. Instead, she'll step back and often let things sort themselves out. She'll stay out of the way unless she thinks she can help or unless I ask her for help.

We've had problems in the past, dealing with issues of my mind and emotional stability, that almost drove us apart. I haven't talked about things with her that might even remotely reflect that experience or state I was in, because I didn't want to put her through it again. I didn't want her to think that I was going down that path again, and I didn't want to have to experience the heartbreak again of seeing her so broken hearted. So I pushed down alot of things, I kept things from her, and I ignored my feelings. Of course, this is part of what caused me to be so emotionally controlling and pent up.

So, yesterday we talked. I told her alot of what I've been feeling, about what is on my mind. She wasn't surprised at all, which kind of shocked me. She was understanding and, I think, she was relieved. I thought what was going on, what I was not telling her, was such a huge thing, because that's what I do, really; the proverbial snowball. I think she thought it would be worse. There is still more to say, still alot more to work out, but I like where we're going.

Having said that, I know she knows more than I let on, and there are things that she doesn't need me to say. I am going to start worrying less about how I think she "might react", and start disclosing more to her, having more conversations, being more open. Hopefully she will do the same.

posted by September @ 7:20 AM