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I Fight Me So You Don't Have To.

That's been rolling around in my head for a while. I've always been a fighter, and I think lately I've been mulling the idea that I'm so prone to bad habits, cycles and battles in my mind because I was born a fighter. I have usually been one to shy away from physical altercations. I don't throw fists for no reason, or go looking for fights the way most guys do. But I remember times picking fights with friends, and I've always been one to push people into arguments. I say it's to challenge, but I think it's because I like pushing. In most cases I push myself. I fight my self.

As a consequence, I beat myself so bad on the mental battlefield I tend to breakdown, lose myself, lose my sense of direction. I talk myself out of things and do them anyway. I push myself into unnecessary directions that often land me in bad spots, bringing me to the brink of paranoia and breakdown. I push people away to shield them, because it feels right to protect them, and lock myself away because I feel like a monster. I feel guilty. I feel sick and twisted. I don't feel lonely, I feel alone. And I think I always will.

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel unhappy or anything, I feel fine. I'm seeing myself as both the knight and the dragon. As the night and the day. Her and him, and that's why they can't be merged, why Tali always stands up again and spits in his face, why Trynn always angrily lashes out at her, and why the two can't coexist. They're always there, no matter how hard I try to push them both down. They'll always struggle and resist, always take turns clawing through my consciousness, always leaving a burning wreck in the wake. But really this isn't about them. There is really a duality, and duplicity. Twins in one body. Imagine siblings sharing a room that's as small as your skull. Is it possible to have two minds at once? Two souls in the same body?

posted by September @ 12:05 PM