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Dirty Brilliance

Have I already talked about my catch 22? I used to love writing, because I used to have an audience. I think the thing I used to enjoy most about writing was discussing the work with peers, and having the stimulation to improve. I don’t have that so much anymore. I understand that a lot of it is the way I present my stuff. A lot of the time I write for the sake of writing, and still other times it’s nonsensical and coded, not meant to be understood. My thing lately is I feel desperately like writing. I have a thousand ideas in my head right now. Anytime I have a spare moment, a calm in the waters of my mind, a new idea starts, and it’s awesome. I think about everything these days. I have the seeds, but here’s the crux; if I plant the seeds in this wild, crazy forest that is my brain, I may never find them again. On the otherhand, if I try to stay and tend each one, I starve. I could eat the seeds, but then I’m left with nothing. You follow? Let me give you a more concrete example.

In the comics I’ve been reading, Captain America has been killed by the Red Skull and his usual crowd of cronies. The big mystery is, what happens to the legacy of Cap and who will be the next Captain America. It occurred to me this morning that Steve Rogers’ body may be dead, but let’s take a minute here and think about the situation. He was killed by Skull, who was working with Dr. Faustus. Nothing new there, they’ve worked together a lot over the years. Set up by Crossbones and Sin, also tag-alongs. Where is this mess is Arnim Zola, I got to thinking. Actually, I’d read Captain America #350 last night, which featured “the return of the Red Skull”, who’d been dead for 50 issues (more or less; he was there, but featured as the shadowy background villain). In the back-up story at the end, they show how the Skull was brought back “to life” in the clone body of Steve Rogers by Zola, who possesses the ability to transfer consciousness after death. I’ll let that sink in for a minute.

So, in that same issue, Skull tells Steve that he loves to torture him, and will continue to do so until he gets bored and finally kills Steve. What if, let’s say, Skull isn’t quite done with Cap, and instead transfers his consciousness into the body of a vagrant, or something. Some loony running around trying to convince everyone that he is Captain America!!

Anyway, that’s an idea that I wonder, do I let it perculate, or should I write the arc? If I throw at it half assed, I know I’ll be disappointed with it, but if I take my time with it, I run the risk of losing this original drive and never finishing it, like so many other projects I have. I guess what I need is the stimulation of a sounding board, someone to discuss my ideas with, who will respond and offer feedback.

I’m afraid too, I think. I’d had the idea last night that maybe my skills are in “thinking like other people”. I came up with this idea by combining the ideas of Steve Englehart and Ed Brubaker. It’s kind of depressing to think that my great skill is only to mimic the skills of other people; that I have no brilliance of my own, that nothing I do is original or note worthy.

So here I am again, writing about writing, but never actually getting around to writing anything. I’ve eaten the seeds of the Captain America Returns story I have, and am now sitting sullenly under the tree picking the kernels out of my teeth.
Maybe there’s still time for me. I’m still young and starting to realize that maybe I’m coming into things yet, that I’m finding my voice, and it’s going to be a longer journey than I realized at the outset. There is no shortage of ideas, and there is still lots of time.

posted by September @ 8:07 AM