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It usually starts with feeling good about myself. I'm doing more to take care of myself and not thinking about the things that I need to do to make people around me happy. It's a bit selfish, maybe, but I concentrate so much of my time and energy hiding what I figure would not be met with approval by everyone. And that turns out to be alot. The tricky part is, once you start hiding, it's too easy to leave things hid, and further, to pile the other stuff that doesn't need to be hid in there too so that no one would ever find what you were hiding in the first place. LOL

It usually starts there. The hiding gets to me after a while; hinting in conversations to people I'm sure would understand, but never revealing anything. Then comes the feeling of wanting to open up, to share with people and feel like I belong to something. I don't though. I don't belong. I'm neither this nor that, and really, how could anyone understand? From feeling good about myself, to feeling alone. Then the paranoia comes. The strange comments made by people that reflect what's already floating around in the front of my mind, the thought that they are all secret laughing at me. The alienation compounded into fear, paranoia and then depression. Sooner than later (sometimes after forever), I get a reassertion of the other side, and peace comes back. But it's a tough division, seperating the two halves, and the hiding begins again, and the doubt remains, and what used to be a keen darkness is blurred, and the fuzziness doesn't go away.

It's not surprising really. It's a lot like everything else about me, that nothing really is as big as I make it. And yet, every year, every winter, she stands up and flexes those old muscles, and for a while she storms around the house and sings and dances. But winter and the old house soon become a prison, and without fail she withers, and twists, and rages againts the door. With the winter wind blasting the shutters and rattling the doors, and her pounding on the inside, screaming and howling as loud as the wind it's no wonder I get so weary.

I should just let it go. Publish the thoughts, the secret code uncoded.

Perhaps we should just have a party.

posted by September @ 10:21 AM