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My mind is a scary place to me sometimes. I'd lost control of myself once and just about ended up destroying myself. But I didn't. Instead, I let the fire in my mind burn away everything and was left wasted and tired. For a year, I didn't think, I didn't write, and I concentrated instead on tangible things. Over the last few months, I've been digging again, into the past, into my mind, into the things I was before and what meaning they hold for me now.

Sometimes I feel fake, I feel like I'm not really feeling anything but I'm just making it all up to distract myself from the truth: I'm stupid, untalented, and can only mimic the accomplishments of others. I'm feeling a bit of that today, I think. I've read and reread chapter 5, and not only can I not tell if it's worth posting, I can't see it as coherant. What I'm trying to say, I think, is that sometimes I'm a stranger in my own head. I've looked at myself from too far away for too long and now I can't relate with who I am.

My sister told me yesterday that "I hate who I am Tam (that's what she calls me) on every level. Truly I do...and I am releived and so very sad to have finally realized it." It struck me not only because I care for her so much, that I don't know how she can feel that way, but also that I feel that way too sometimes.

I mentioned the other day that Tali has been poking her head in. I think this is the result. Sonja questioned me before about attributing her with my emotions because she is the female in me, but this is why. It is this sense of confusion, of distance, of just not "feeling right" that drove me before to snap. I won't let it happen again. I've devised plans and traps to stop her from doing that again, but goddamn it, I need to scream and cry and let something out. I'm emotionally bottled, swelling. Right now I can feel my ears burning, my hands tightening into fists, my teeth gritting.

It's these times that I experience my greatest duallities. I want to be alone, and I need someone with me to let me know I haven't slipped past the brink, gone too far and snapped. I understand and I'm puzzled at the same time. I want to start over and I can't let go of what I am. I'm crushingly energized and drained. I hate what I am and revel in my dynamic.

I think I broke my keyboard.

posted by September @ 5:44 PM