My mind gets clouded when I’m in these moods. There’s a certain uneasiness in me when I’m like this, a trepidatious rage, a feeling that any minute now, I could tear right through my own flesh and morph into something else altogether. It’s hard to think straight sometimes, to focus. It’s not that I’m not in control, because I am, completely. It’s that wild thing inside me, I think, that thing that wants to be away, somewhere dark, to not have to be human anymore. Hmmm, there’s an interesting choice of words.
Diane mentioned last week that I’m scary sometimes. I couldn’t get an example out of her, just that sometimes she’s afraid of me (or for me, I’m not sure which). Perhaps it’s this that scares her.
Lately when I write, I get to a point, perhaps the crux of the statement, the point of the analogy or the crucial point in a story and the whole thing collapses. I get drained suddenly and my mind drifts. Sometimes the point just seems pointless. I lose my drive, my focus and my story. That sort of happened just now. It happens in conversations too. I think what happens is I start to get too far ahead of myself, and I finish the thing in my head. I plot out or start to visualize the rest of the thing (story, conversation, or otherwise) and end it. Or maybe I’ve just convinced myself that what I write isn’t all that important. No, that’s not it. Something like that, but different. It’s more a feeling of being at a loss for words. I don’t know what I’m trying to say or how to say it. I feel a little overwhelmed, I guess. There’s too much in my head these days. Too much going on at one time. Work, travel, relationships, magic, toys and comics, sleep, 5 people living in my head at one time. It used to be that each was separate, each having a bit of time, but they’re blending now, which is good. A more cohesive sense of self, but at the same time, I’m becoming more scattered.
There’s a lot more to write about, a lot to tell. But as usual, I’ve lost my ambition and focus. I worry about not writing, and I shouldn’t. Everything comes to me in time, I just have to be prepared for when the time comes.
1 Comments:
just write even if what you write is gibberish :) It will lead to something profound and/or brilliant. Trust the process.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home