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All Hail

I'm not sure what I want to talk about, but I have a pile of stuf on my mind, and I have the urge to spill it. I'm feeling expressive, but I can't keep up with the structure of MotM, so let's try some free flow stuff.

It's May 1, Beltane, and what's usually a fairly auspicious day for me has me on the usual, but accelerated up and down. I miss Diane, and wish I could drop her a line to see how things are going, just wish her a happy mayday. I've been thinking about the stuff that Id put her through over the years, and what I'm doing now, though it seems and feels right, I've got the scent of old things, old patterns and things are more than a little familiar.

I've discovered a new character, one that was always actually there, that I didn't recognize. I assumed always, that each one of my characters had a darker side, that matches the darkness I know I'm capable of, but I discovered the other night that it's actually someone else entirely. The gnome king, if you will. He's not though. The shape shifter, my inner Loki. And the thing I was always missing, but that was always there, the villan. Something inside to rally against, the one that has been all the others and still went undiscovered. I've dealt with shape changing in MotM before, because I've always been mutable. It's always been one of my biggest fears, and at the same time, the thing that makes me feel so damn powerful, the ability to be what the situation needs, to see people do things and be able to do them myself. To mimic. It doesn't make me unique, in the sense that I don't create anything myself, offer anything that hasn't been done. Following everyone else's path. Ok, so I know, we've been here before. The difference this time, it has a face and a name; Claut. I'm probably going to stay with that name, just on the principle that it was already given to him.

I've been working on a story for therapy about where I am, and initially it was going to be about Tali coming into her own, and the journey of making her part of the grouop, of bringing her into the fold as it were. Turns out, it may just be about the trouble maker that I've always been, and how he gets me over my head sometimes. The one who puts everyone in over their heads.

posted by September @ 4:32 PM