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And Now, A Coversation NOT With Myself

"That's pretty honest," she said. "How are you going to reconcile it?" He shrugged.

How do you reconcile things like this? What do you think needs to be reconciled, Sonja?

Good point. Some things remain mysterious even to ourselves. Perhaps labryinths and mazes exist to provide us with our own private mysteries that not meant to be solved by one great revelation and a new year's resolution. Surely though that there has to be times when we do act on our own truths in order to ensure our survival as individuals. Light needs to penetrate some of our darkest corners or else the meaning and purpose of these mazes become lost or redundant. Perhaps what you need, our all of need to reconcile is that which is immediately important. Insight and growth are lost when our self and our thoughts become a carnival.

I'm beginning to think that that's what I do, in not so subtle ways. I build the maze and get lost in it, and even thouroughly enjoy being lost. But when I've had enough, or get too lost, I struggle to get out again. I let myself out of the maze and shut down those things, the thoughts and actions that put me there in the first place. Perhaps the whole thing, the secret conversations with myself, the opposed aspects, the diametric characters I've create are my way of leaving the game when I've become scared, or bored or just had enough. Perhaps I've gotten too good at throwing people off what is really going on, or not going on, that it hides itself from me now too.

well a few thoughts. do you fear yourself? do you not accept yourself? do you make what goes on inside yourself more complicated than it needs to be? like scratching the itch and deep digging deeper and deeper until you have to force yourself to shut down? why do you create traps for yourself? And perhaps you have gotten good at throwing people off including yourself but you really haven't explained why you have a desire to do this. Is there an aspect of yourself that haunts you so much that you need all this to be so elaborate? Does truth and simplicity scare you? I never believed that we have to reveal ourselves fully, that at times, we need to be calculated. It's a matter of survival and a profound lesson from our witness. We can be mysterious without feeling isolated but we can also share ourselves to a certain degree as well. Mysterious doesn't mean unauthentic. Mystery is a matter of survival and the sweet truth is what we give to others but blatent honesty is what we give ourselves.

I think I do make things in my head to be more complicated than they need to be. As to fear, I am afraid of different parts of myself at different times. I know that I can be callous sometimes, that I can be something very strange, feral. I have alot of myself repressed into tight little containers that I don't open very often. Truth and simplicity don't scare me, I just don't think they are part of my make-up. I don't know if I have the propensity for simplicity and truth, for me, is a matter of perception, and my perception is constantly changing. I know aboout survival, I've become quite adept, but it's not enough for me anymore, or at least right now, to simply survive. Hell, I can't "simply" anything. I'm trying to understand why it is that I am the way I am, but I'm cynical about it today. The traps I set, I see clearly right now, but I know tomorrow or next week it'll disappear again. Diane once said, "I'm not afraid that you're insane, I'm afraid that when you do snap, it's going to be big." I guess I'm just trying to preserve some sense of "self", a quest I've been on for a long time. As for why the traps, because I used to be afraid to get close to people. I didn't want to have friends again for a long time after I moved. I wanted to be alone, to not have to explain to people that I am weak, human and capable of failure. So I put up walls, set traps and never have the same conversation with more than one person.

well since I can't penetrate your mind perhaps a difference of experience can be shared. Okay, more with the sharing bit-- this really shouldn't become a hobby with me. Unlike you, I don't set up traps or labrynths because of the strength of my intellect and ego. But I've always set up boundaries and often play the role I'm supposed to with other people. For example, I still behave a certain way with my parents even though it really isn't me, but it's the me they remember. Last night I stayed up late because I was struggling with past experiences with other people that I have know and roles that I had to play. I thought about how even some of the memories I have, when stripped, aren't as good as they seem to me. I've always played roles for people to help them move on because I'm comfortable with myself enough not to cling to fantasies or expectations. Perhaps, that is why I'm know as the ice queen-- because I can disregard what doesn't work and let go of people when I need to. That is cold but it is real. It is a truth that came to me when I was lying in the hospital bed for 3 weeks. When survival is your only goal, you are basic and primal and that gives the neccessary space to think critically about yourself and your life. I do believe that we need to balance sensuality with intellect and support those with spirituality (in some form). We have to be individual and strong enough in order to be individual and create freedom. But at the same time we have to create relationships, whether fleeting or not, in order to survive as well. Logical, maybe but neccessary. Too bad about those boundaries though, but we all have a failsafe.

posted by September @ 10:18 PM