Reset

I've been in a "mood" for the last couple of days. It's a bit of a retreat, I guess, where I just think I need sometime to myself. I don't get that very much anymore. When I was in camp, I'd spend lots of time alone, in my room, either reading or watching movies or plating video games. But since I left there, I've always been with someone, either at work, at home with Diane or in CL with Sonja and/or Barb. It's not a matter of not wanting to be with people, it's a matter of unwinding. I think, perhaps, this is the source of my blockage too. I don't spend enough time in quiet with myself.

Time's a tricky thing though. My weeks are so schedualed, so broken down into routine, that I trick myself into not making time for myself. I spend all of my "off" time with Diane, because I figure if I can get closer to her, repair our relationship that way. I spend my evenings with Sonja, because we have a lot to catch up on, and there's a lot to learn from one another. I make time for Barb, whenever she wants to talk because she's a friend. The people at work, well, they're unavoidable. Because my weeks are split, I'm living in two places with two lives, I try to cram as much of my time into everyone else's life.

I have been thinking about this, in regards to my creativity, and have decided that I am going to seperate myself a little bit. I figured out the difference between when I used to create and my modern sense of stunted creativity is the time I would spend just plotting, working the ideas in my head, rolling things around. I don't have too much of that anymore. I'm going to even try to stop thinking of my mind as a fractured thing. Perhaps my perception has inexplicably altered my sense of self, that in seperating the pieces of my personality and giving them names, I've brought about the end of who I really am.

I think also I need to revisit my rune reading, Sonja. I don't think hagalaz was the last of the four. It was the first.

posted by September @ 6:56 AM