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One for All

There it is, the uneasy, elusive balance that stops my nut from rocking back and forth across the room. It is the uneasy surety that my computer is tapped, that my friends are so sure they are manipulating me. The sly peripheral glances at the movement around the room. I'm not avoiding eye contact. I counting you, knowing where you stand. And no, I won't repeat what I just said, because I saw you shift just then, pointing that microphone at me. None of you even realize it. You think I don't notice you avoiding that open window behind the browser you just wave the pointer over while I'm in the room? I've been hiding more, and for longer. I know the signs. My senses are sharper than you think.

It has become easier not to talk about anything. I thought over the years it would be the opposite. That eventually, I would have the answers, that explaining everything to each new person would make it scripted. That the bigger picture would develop. It never did. The more I explained, the less people understood, and now ever word is a sledgehammer blow to the stomach. Every polite attempt to make people aware is a cold stab in the chest.

I don't need you to understand anymore. It doesn't matter because in my attempt to make you happy, I've made everyone miserable. You aren't ready to understand. You likely never will be. I'm like you, I'm like everyone. And it's because I am that we are different. It's also why you are so disparate, so disappointed when you don't know who I am anymore. I wish it didn't have to be like this.

posted by September @ 2:36 PM