Reset

Reset

I'm angry and hurt today. I'm also a little sad. I've been debating whether or not to even bother posting about it, but that's what this is for; keeping track of my thoughts and emotions. I didn't think anyone even read this anymore, but apparently Sonja still pops in and scans through it now and again. Anyways, it's a blog about my thoughts and emotions, and about working through them. About coming to some sense of understanding myself, about exploring myself.

I had a thought this morning about resetting again. I've done it several times in the past, and decided that there is something to pushing the big red button. When I was younger, and things would get too hot, with my mind and the world outside, when I'd feel overwhelmed, I'd pack up and leave; start over; reset. I did it when I dealt with losing Jeff and Vicki, when I decided not to fight my parents about moving to BC. There was a moment there when I was trying to decide whether or not to stay behind. I did it again left BC to move in with my dad, in late august/early september 1993. I don't know that anyone knows I was gone, other than Nicola. It was before we started seeing each other, my parents were on the rocks again and I missed alberta and my old life alot and I was bored of the "new beginning" I had there. So I packed up on the fly and caught the greyhound to Edson. I stayed with dad for just over a month, started school again in Edson and even started hanging out with Jeff again a little, when he was out of the hospital. It got to be too much again though, really quickly. Jeff was not the same, I saw Vicki in town to often, and school went back to being unstimulating, and scary. I started slipping into old habits again, skipping more classes than I went to, looking at the same life that was going no where. I hated it there. So I packed again, reset back to BC.

My next major reset was mid-march 1998. I quietly packed again and moved away from BC, to eastern alberta. College was getting me no where, most of my friends where too involved in just getting stoned and there was no inspiration left in me. Nicola had been stringing me along for too long, and I could see the patterns of repitition sucking the life out of me. Late one night I caught the greyhound again and left without saying a word to anyone.

That's about when I moved in with Diane. I stayed with my sister for a bit, started working at the liquor store again and got a car. I ended up moving in with her and have been living with her since. That was the last time I really "ran away". I realized this morning that since then, I've faced most of the heat, struggled through the overwhelming bits, tried to make peace where I could. That's what's different now, and why it's easy to become overwhelmed, because I hold on to it and try to work through it rather than just running away. I guess, in a way, I've learned that if I don't change the cause of the problem, no amount of running is going to out pace it. That's not to say I haven't tried more subtle forms of resetting. I have; changing jobs, changing mindsets, changing blog addresses. I was tempted to do so again, on several occassions. Maybe I'm just getting too tired of fighting.

Naw, that's not it....

posted by September @ 9:31 AM