Reset

Same Old

I've been feeling a little... off this morning. I was having a bit of a rough time with old memories when I woke up. I usually have some deep, half awake thoughts right before I'm actually aware I'm awake. I was thinking about my son and his mother this time. He'll be 16 this year. Crazy. Anyway, I was remembering when Jethro was getting married, and I'd come out from BC for the weeding. The night of the stag, after the obligatory strippers and way too much to drink, someone mentioned that she was living in the apartment across the park. Stupidly, I decided it would be a good time to try to talk to her. Her roommate was warned I was coming by someone at the party and met me at the lobby. More or less, he convinced me to turn around and leave. That was the last time I tried to talk to her. It makes me nauseous sometimes when I think about it, like it did this morning.

I was thinking about different things after that. I was thinking about spring coming, about Lan, about last year around this time (for some reason I didn't understand at the time). So I went back and reread my blog from Jan 2006. Withdrawal, duality, "one step closer to being a whole person"... cycles. I was also thinking about writing Trynn and Xanth, before I reread that. About them sitting on the step at the foot of the tree, having a conversation about Tali being gone, having never really been there.... Then I saw that I wrote something similar last year. I guess we can't help repeating ourselves. Everyone around me seems to say the same things all the time, and I'm no different. Even saying, "I hate repetition" is getting repetitious.

Hmm. Makes me want to withdraw....

posted by September @ 8:16 AM