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Trent's Saga

It is roughly midnight here in Iceland. I can't sleep, which is nothing new. What is different is that the sun is still up and actually won't set tonight. What's got me up, is the Saga of Egill, and ancient Islandic warrior poet. He's hard to escape around here, and with all things that haunt me the way this has, it usually hides a message that some unseen fates will dangle and bait me with until I see the lesson that is hidden there. Egill, at age three was an accomplished poet and by age seven killed a boy. He would go on to do some pretty amazing things, so the museums and stories say. At some time in his later years, he would lose his sons and write a poem, blaming Odin for giving him great strength as a warrior and a poet, but not giving him any satisfaction as a man.

Anyone see where I'm going with this?

I have denied my gifts, somehow the same gifts, in a wway for a long time. I gave up my skills as a poet, chiding the inspiriation that kept me awake, that seemed to follow me and make me want to write all the time. I complained in my poems that the songs would not leave me alone, and wished often in my verse to have the songs be silent. And it seems they are.

As a warrior, I've always been quick to rise, been bloody in my thoughts and at times take great strength from the knowledge that I could likely beat any foe I faced. It's not really braggging, I don't think, I just have no real fear in that regard. What I fear, and what I always fear is myself. Knowing that I could face down the biggest enemy, and destroy him, even if it meant destroying myself. Rage took me a few times as a child, once I knocked a boy down and broke his skull, and another time I had a boy by the throat before I realized what I was doing. I believe, and have always believed that it was red rage, berserk that took me both times.

Both these skills I've hid, I've denied and tried to shape myself as to other things. Ultimately I fail at all of them because I'm not true to myself. I make myself miserable because I am afriad of who I truely am.

posted by September @ 6:37 PM