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Poison II

I've got that caged in feeling. I'm hemmed by "not good things" that seem to be just about everywhere. Granted, they're somewhat below the surface, but they're there. I tend to want to withdraw when I experience these moments. I want to remove myself from that negativity. The trick is is that the people who are feeding me these negative waves are the same people who have been listening to my shit for the last little bit. So now I gotta wonder, is it that I'm just so selfish, so self absorbed? I can't help feeling a little guilty about wanting to cut myself from people. Ok, alot guilty. But I know what happens next: the pressure of wanting to help these people will start to poison me against them. In a little while, it'll seem like they've become dependant on my ear, my shoulder, and I'll start to wish they could just be happy again. But it's more than one at a time, and then it starts to infect the other relationships I have. Is it all just me? Must be.

I've been dealing with poison alot lately. It seems to be a reoccuring theme. Xanth has been poisoned, and I have to find a way to fight it, to counter the poison. I know how already, it's just a matter of getting him to take it. But I don't think things should go back to normal. I don't think I really deserve another shot at a regular life because I'll fuck it up again. Just like I always do. Impulses and guilt and that strange morality that I lament for not having. My own functions better in theory and practise, if I could be strong enough to support it.

Christmas is coming....

**Some time later**

Ok, we'll go with stand-offish, and use humour as a weapon to keep distance. That's nothing new, right? And that way, when I offend them and drive them off I can say I was only kidding and lure them back, or not, selectively. Oh, you are a sly one...

***Again, later that morning***

Oh, it's going to be like that today. I can see me coming back a few times. Saying things I instantly regret, at least I have the forethought and training to do it with such vaguery that I can plausibly deny it later. Still, why do I say these things in the first place? I suspect it's some sort of survival instinct. If I set things up properly, if I garner enough to make my side bearable, I'll always have a back up plan, right?

The best part? Even I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I mean, I do, but I don't know for sure whether or not I believe it. Is the dodgy vaguity of my mind a cause or a result of how I interact with people? Do I create the situations or react to them? Carry that further. Have I developed the pattern because I repeat the situations so often?

****And so, shortly passed lunch****

..... ok, I've got nothing. No, that's not true. There's lots to talk about, but true to my record, I'm stalling. Stall, stall, stall. Fer fuck sakes.

*****Mid-afternoon*****

Yeah, and don't think for a second that I don't know you fuckers read my emails. I know, and now we all know. Enjoy the reading.

posted by September @ 7:24 AM