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Practise Makes Perfect?

What is it I have going on today? More or less just trying to pass the time until tomorrow night and we get to go home. Sleeping in, eating, sleeping in some more. I just want some time to relax, even though I always waste it. I also have to find out about a rental vehicle this morning so that I can get home. I'll have to get a hold of the manager at the dealership after 9am.

Last night I was sitting outside, rehearsing conversations about how to explain what is going on in my head. It's a nasty habit I have, and most of the time, once I have it figured out, I don't talk about it anyway. It's almost like having the practise conversation is good enough. The people that I haven't actually talked to have come to my understanding and the matter is settled. It's not true, of course. This is likely a part of the frustration I feel. I still think if I could actually talk to people, I wouldn't have to write this blog, even though I do enjoy it. Honest, I do.

On the home front, I'm getting that need to talk again. I want to tell Diane about how I feel, why I think I can finally start feeling good about myself again. I want to tell her that things aren't as bad as she thinks they are. But I'm afraid to say things to her about the stuff I feel. She thinks I'm fragile (and so do a lot of people, apparently), and maybe I am, but it's more the hurt she's always expecting, the finallity of something she dreads that doesn't come, the "waiting for the other shoe to drop". It's this tension between us that keeps me from talking to her. She's happy not knowing, she says, and I have to talk things out. I don't know. Maybe I just need her approval, her support and validation before I can accept myself. I just wish we could talk, because she's such an important person in my life. Probably THE most important.

posted by September @ 8:22 AM