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Wicker Man Blows

Ok, I may be a little biased, having gone into it with the preconception that it was going to be bad. I decided before hand that just because I don't like the guy (well, that's not fair because I've never met him, but you know what I mean), that this was going to be a big turd. In all fairness, now that I've had the experience, I'd like to justify why it was shit. And so, the top ten reasons the remake of The Wicker Man blew (in chronological order)...

10) Nicolas Cage. The man is a wet blanket. His comatose style of acting, his slow, painful way of speaking. I haven't liked a performance of his since, well, never, actually. The only thing I dreaded more than seeing him in this movie will be seeing Ghost Rider. Gah!

9) Leelee Sobieski. How do you make a comatose performer look lively? Put him next to another actor who looks like she's taken sleeping pills. On the other hand, I thought, as I watched the credits roll, this isn't an action flick, right?

8) Cop cliche #1: What the hell? He's a motorcycle cop in California? Ok, it's set in America. I can get past that. Wait, did he just reach down and pick up that doll while speeding down the highway on his motorcyle? The only thing in this scene that topped that... watching him reach through the glass of the burning station wagon, trying to rescue the little blonde girl. "Stretch, Nick, you almost have her!!" Oh wait, the car exploded.

7) Cop cliche #2: So distraught by not being able to save the girl, Nick's character is now confined to a life of watching bad westerns blankly, unable to go back to being a cop, popping prescription drugs and replaying the incident over and over in his head through a series of black and white flashbacks.

6) The letter. Oh for fuck sakes. It's not enough that we have the unnecessary over developement of Nick's character, the missing kid, Rowan, is the daughter of an ex? And wait, she was his fiancee?? What's next, Rowan's his daughter?

5) The island women. Ok, I noticed right away that the population of the island was mostly women. I'm ok with that. There's the odd man wandering around here and there. But come on, they only thing these "witches" were missing were pointy hats and flying broomsticks. There was the scene with the gathering and Sister Beech woud speak while the three sitting at the table would respond... all at the same time?!

4) Nick kills a bee. That's right, he KILLED A BEE!! You'd think he pulled down his pants and spanked the beat of Yankee Doodle Went To Town on his bare ass in front of the President, the room went so silent and people looked so shocked and disgusted. But wait! It's important though because we find out here that he's allergic. Important plot device or not? AND just incase you didn't catch that (or because the director thinks we're all stupid), he goes to his room to unpack his Epi kits, making sure that we have full frame zoom.

3) "The men are important. For breeding!!" Come on!!! In the original, they understood the principles of paganism, especially that there was a unity and harmony of male AND female. Here we have these kooky witches, enslaving men and performing "Rituals of the Ancients"? We find out the Lady of the island is the "earthly representative of the earth goddess" and she is descended from a long line of such women. Obvilously the writer/director again thinks we're idiots, and in this enlightend age of information and diverity tries to pull off shit like this. Bastard.

2) Rowan IS his daughter!! Well, if you didn't see that coming by now.... Ok, we have a cop (who, you know, is obligated to investigate missing people) who has been asked by his ex-fiancee (who wouldn't help a friend, especially a cop?) to find his hitherto unknown love child! Like he needed MORE motivation.

1) Fear of the "shocking alternate ending". Ok, I admit I couldn't finish watching the movie for two reasons: I was envisioning an ending where the character (typical, gun-toting cop american hero type) finds a rocket launcher and blows up the island. Anyone who has seen the original knows the cop dies in the giant effigy at the end, but I couldn't see it going that way in this one because the director has proven he's a dick. Then I remembered seeing the "watch the movie with the shocking alternate ending" in the title menu. Could that be the shocker ending??

posted by September @ 9:32 AM