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Catch 32

I'm a little bored and restless today, which is funny because I thought I'd be dead tired. Yesterday, despite being awake at 3am and up by 4am and having not had a nap, I decided to go to Darren's in Bonnyville to play poker. I'm no great poker champion (truth be told, I suck), but I made the decision to go out and socialize, to connect with people and find something to do other than hide in my room by myself and torment myself with speculation, conjecture and theories. Anyway, I stayed at Darren's, slept on the couch and I woke up at 5am again to get home to change before work. I could have used a shower, but I'll likely treat myself to a bath tonight and a movie. Basically hide in my room.

I almost feel like writing, but as usual, when I sit down to it, I can't get started. I'm thinking that what's blocking me is me, the same way I push back my feelings, my... I don't even have a word for it. What is it that I'm holding back? It seems everything. I've stunted myself to protect my fragile core. I'm secretive, and sly. But I feel inadequate sometimes, reviled, wrong. I guess that's what makes me feel alone. I can't figure out my balance by myself because I can't see it clearly anymore, and yet I can't get myself to talk about what is going on. I'm afraid to start over again, and I feel pretty sure that I'd be alone if I opened up the way I want to. Catch 22. Stay stunted and closed and keep the friends and family I have or open up and risk losing it all.

Let's see....

I am:
Sipping lukewarm coffee I poured an hour and a half ago.
Sorting through my iTunes library, trying to decide on something I want to listen to (finally decided on Foundation).
Slowly working my way through the mountain of paper on my desk.
Searching the intranet for technical manuals on anchoring systems.

Oh, and I turned the comment feature back on. What's the point of trying to be more open if you never listen to anyone, right?

posted by September @ 9:03 AM