Reset

Hamster Wheel

There was something up there, about acceptance and my nature to both crave and resist it. I guess it's because I've always felt "different" than the people around me, especially family. I had the odd friend here and there who I thought had some understanding of who I am. But then I throw them a curve, I change, I evolve into something similar, but changed. Then I get alienated again and start over, searching for understanding, for acceptance. It's like walking in small circles. I've had my moments of craving family, of wanting to be near people that are like me, but I seem to go to extremes to be different from them. I bend to be nearer to what people want me to be, and then I pull away in the opposite direction, like a pulled spring.

Or something like that. Just an idea I had last night when I was driving in the moonlight.

I slept, for the first time in over a week, straight through the night, last night. I didn't once wake up until my alarm went off. I thought it noteworthy, because I suspect that means that I'm adjusting to the pills, and because even on a good night, I usually wake up 3 or 4 times to look at the clock. On the other hand, I'm not feeling nearly as robotic as my writing seems. Writing used to be a tool for me to slow my mind down enough to catch up with and explore my thoughts. Have I surpassed that somehow? Is my mind slower now? Am I just being paranoid and hypersensitive to the pills because I was afraid of something similar happening when I started taking the pills? Or is this still my adjusting to the pills? I was told to be patient, to give them time to build up in my system. And it has only been a week. What am I even hoping these are going to do for me?

Interesting. This is the first hint that I still have a sense of duality since I started. The willingness to do this to get answers, to have a workable solution and the outrage, the fear of what it's doing to me; the willingness to write the experience of as "unnecessary". Trynn's kicking at the bubble.

And then it goes around again, the circle starts and my nature changes...

posted by September @ 1:12 PM