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Requiem

Strange sensations today; a delicate blend of I want to dance and tear people apart.

I mad, upset, angry, hurt with Diane right now. I'm tired of reaching out to her only to have her pull away. I told her last time I was over there that for us to work things out, I need her to make an effort to put me before other things. On friday I wanted to talk, because I always want to talk, but she shut me down, again. "I have somewhere to be". I really feel like I'm the only one in this thing. Granted, I'm not all that easy to get along with, but I just want a little effort. I want some sign that things can be better. There is no compromise, it seems. I'd rewrite my entire life to sit down with her if she wanted, and she won't talk to me over email. Can you see why I'm frustrated? Can you see why I'm so fucking tired of trying to please people? I'm standing here wide open, and it feels like she's turned her back on me and walked off the stage. I feel awkward, betrayed and alone. Can you make that change, Diane?

And even though I mad, upset angry and hurt, I still want to make her happy. She's gone to Stoney Lake for the rodeo this weekend, and I sincerely hope she's having a good time. I think, for her sake, that us being apart is the best thing. She'll have a chance to live her life now, the way she should/wants it. I was never the guy she thought she'd end up with, she told me a few times over the years. I feel like a fucking fool.

And no one knows. That's the beauty part. I'm sitting here, day in and day out, rocking out to my music, cracking jokes and kicking people out of my office, just like any other day. I've gotten pretty good at hiding myself from the outside.

posted by September @ 10:33 AM