Reset

The Fuse

You say you don't know who I am. You've said it a few times, actually. I've been changing these past few months is not an entirely true statement. I have been changing as long as we've been together. Longer, in fact. You've stood by me through my changes. But I always walk away defensive. I feel some (just fucking write it. It doesn't need to make sense) shame, I guess when I change. I can't accept myself because I haven't found him yet. Or maybe I have. Maybe this is who I am; an ever shifting thing. If I accept that, maybe I'll finally be at peace with myself.

I wrote this last night, half asleep and fueled by beer. Granted, it was only two beer, but the fact remains. It's not shame I feel, but more a childlike need for acceptance. I've developed a few odd personalities over the years, and some of the changes I've been through were just as hard on Diane as they have been on me. I'm always working toward a sense of completion, a feeling of wholeness in myself, but there are times when I wonder if I am really just looking for the turbulence. It seems to me that I spend so much time wrapped up in the process, in the bits and pieces of everything.... Ok, I have to stop that. This isn't about analysis anymore. I've done that to death. The factor I have trouble with is the emotion of it. I'm blind to everything else, it seems, but the experiment that my life has become.

I'm the mad scientist, the Dr. Jekyl who has driven everyone from the lab to focus on his crazy experiment.

No, that's not true either. My friends won't let me push them away. I'm sure it would be different if any of them lived in proximity to me.

So, what is it Trent? What's the point you're trying to get at?

I was thinking about it this morning (through most of last night too), about my changing and Diane saying that I've become someone she doesn't know. I don't think it's true. I HAVE changed, yes, but I'm always changing. I don't believe that suddenly it's too unbearable. However, she was right about something. I think I did leave a long time ago. I could be home everynight instead of being in Cold Lake. It's a long drive, but I could be doing it. So, I hate to fall into that pattern again of taking responsibility for everything, but this is something I could change.

Let's run it by her...

posted by September @ 10:08 PM