On Puberty at 37
Someone made a comment a little while ago about my moodiness lately. "You're acting like a stupid teenager. I'd expect that sort of thing from my kids!"I was a little hurt by this at first, but I've noticed some patterns repeating in my life lately and I think there might be some validity to that statement. I am, for all intents and purposes, going through puberty for the second time. Not just with rearranging the hormones in my body through medication, which have been playing havoc with my emotions, but in finding a new identity as a woman, in finding a way of communicating, expressing myself and exploring the world from a different point of view. In eessence, I am learning and growing, the same way a teenager would in a lot of ways.
A lot of people say, "if I could do it all again...." The truth is, there are fundamental steps we need to take to become "people", and doing it again doesn't mean we can do it that much differently, even when approaching forty. Culture has left a mark on us, and our brains aren't as fluid and mailable as they were when we were younger, which makes it difficult to veer from these established paths. Especially when you may not be fully conscious of what's going on with how we're changing. I hadn't thought, when I started this transformation a year and a half ago, that I would actually change so much. I mean, I knew physically I would change, that my body, my voice, my outward expression would evolve, but it goes deeper.
With becoming a whole person finally, the way people relate to me is different, which forces me to change. I'm more out going now, and friendly. I speak up now, not just when provoked, but when I feel there's something to contribute. I'm no longer the awkward, lonely, unsure person I had been for 35 years. I feel that I can and will be accepted, and that I have more to offer than simply, silently doing the grunt work. These are the types of changes that have a profound impact, not just on me personally, but the entire world I am a part of. I can relate to and interact with people in conversations and transactions in ways I never have before. This is the kind of change that can turn a person's life completely upside down.
Now, I'm not saying by any means that these are bad things. I'm saying it can be a little overwhelming some days. We have to rewire our brains to handle situations that have been wired for decades. Changing the plumbing in an older house requires tearing down a lot of walls and pulling out the foundations, if you'll excuse the analogy. It can mean examining the oldest triggers of "why I am this way", or "this is how I react to this situation". Sometimes the old patterns simply no longer apply.
Becoming Leah has meant I am able to be more expressive, more caring, even more empathetic that I felt I was "allowed" to be before. I have been able to expand and stretch aspects of my personality that I previously held back, because I was either stepping outside of peoples comfort zones, or I was afraid to be "found out" for being the woman I am. It also means having a harder time finding people who understand the changes I'm going through, mentally, emotionally, physically. Teenagers have this, as their bodies change, and they are embarrassed, shy, and feeling freakish about what's going on with them.
Still, I am ready, I think to face those changes, and will remain standing through the process, as I always have. The difference now is, I'm doing what I feel is right, and what will make me better, happier and healthier than I have ever been. I realize sometimes I'm going to come across as being a little moody, but it won't last. It's part of the process.
