Truth Beauty
I can’t help it. I’m contrary and contradictory, and as such, I have to be what others are not. I’m talking about truth.
There are a lot of people that aren’t interested in truth in any sense: they have one narrow view of events or circumstances and that’s enough. “It’s black, I don’t like it and that’s all there is to it.”
Then there are those who only want the truth: they dig past the outside appearance of things, where necessary, and try to understand the nature of things. “It’s black because of the mineral content of the pigment, which makes it adaptable for these situations.”*
Then there are people like me. I don’t think they’re as curious to find the truth of something as they are to wholly understand it: they turn the thing over, focus on it, feel it, absorb the finer details with out caring why it’s there in the first place. “It’s black here, but there’s a red fleck in the fur on this side, and if you poke it here, it’ll snap at you. I wonder if it just doesn’t like to be poked or if there is pain there. What would cause that pain? If it watch it for a while, maybe I can figure out why it scratches that way. I wonder if I can do that…..”
I become absorbed and obsessed in things this way. Just how now, instead of being frustrated at how I’m feeling and why, I’m focusing on why I ask “why”. I know I internalize too much, knowing myself helps me understand that which is perceived to be going on around me. I guess that’s my truth.
*wtf??
Elements
I won’t say I had a long talk with Sonja last night, because I’m not a talker. I listen. I vaguely threw out comments about being depressed and frustrated for about a month or so, and she gave me some sage advice (as always): get over it. And she’s right. I don’t need to continually go over this in my head; I know the solution, I’ve solved the problem; next. My problems aren’t unsolvable, but I think I tend to dwell on them, tend to squeeze the last drops of puzzle out of them because I need the challenge. I’ve decided that when I get to the end of the road, that part of the problem that I can’t go any further, I need to turn around and walk away. Trying to smash down the wall with my head is only giving me a headache. I’m not taking the simple, quick-fixes, but I won’t let these things distract me from other experiences.
Furthermore, my experiences have made me more interesting, more diverse and therefore better. I don’t need to beat myself up for it, because I’ve touched some part of the divine in myself that many millions of people will never touch. I’ve actually taken a step closer to becoming a whole being. I am not 5 separate entities, I am a single entity that encompasses all the elements.
I am capable of a great many things that, although are tough to get my head around sometimes, make me unique and brilliant.
Shift
To end the week and begin again, I went to sleep at 8:30 last night. Truth is, I’ve been exhausted, both mentally and emotionally. Since I can’t take the time off to sit and relax, I’m making the effort to do as little as possible with my evenings. I finally got groceries last night because I couldn’t go another day without apples, had a hot bath and passed out. And had one of the wackiest dreams I’ve had in ages. I can’t do the plot of the thing justice, but Sonja was there, topless; I had a necklace that was made of forks that wanted to catapult each other into a fireplace, because they were actually alive; my cousin was a criminal, stealing money from stores that hung wads of cash on clipboards from the doorhandles to fund his co-produced comic book, Queen Cherry.
I’ve had moments, yesterday and today, of lucidity, sort of. It’s almost like brief flashes of clarity and understanding that are there and then not. There are really no details to offer, since they seem random. The last one was when I was shaving this morning. There was a “tremor” and then the room seemed brighter, my mind was easier. It’s as if the whole machine shifted the cogs that were out of order, chunking them back into place.
Then I bought Blues Traveler and The Guess Who on iTunes.
.
I'm about as worn out as I've ever been. I didn't sleep last night. It's been a long time since I've had insomnia like that. But I struggled through the day and made it home again safe and sound. On the agenda tonight: a hot bath and bed. I'm expecting to be asleep by 8:30.
Tomorrow I have an appointment to get a massage. Believe it or not, I've never had one. Not professionally. I'm looking forward to it.
I feel better though. Relieved, but cautious. I think it's mostly that I'm so tired, but I'm expecting fallout.
Snow
“What are you doing?” Xanth asked, his heavy boots crunching in the hard, wind-packed snow. His cheeks burned with the sting of the wind as he unconsciously pulled his hood up over his head. At first, there was no movement, no sign of acknowledgement from the figure lying prone on the ground. A dark bundle of fur looked more like an animal carcass than anything alive, except for the outstretched arms and legs. “It’s cold out here,” Xanth said to the figure, concern leaching into his normally nonchalant tone. “Let’s get inside.” Still, there was no reply.
Shifting uncomfortably, the elf looked back and forth across the plains, the grey sky and the far away reaches of snow blended. The landscape looked blank and horizonless. He shivered slightly and then knelt beside the body. The figure was lying on his stomach, his head turned away from the young elf, one blank eye visible, staring out at the same blank landscape. He blinked once and took a deep breath. “I hate this place,” his raspy voice hissed out of unmoving lips. Xanth placed his hand on the other’s shoulder and rubbed him softly.
“It’s better inside,” Xanth said soothingly. He placed his hands under his companion’s chest and heaved him unsteadily up. With a sigh, the once unmoving figure stood and pulled off his hood. Trynn’s dark eyes scanned the empty horizon one last time and then turned to Xanth. “How long have you been laying here?” the younger elf asked, staring incredulously at the ground where Trynn had just been laying.
“A month or two,” he shrugged, his eyes half blinking lazily. “Maybe more.” He turned his gaze to follow Xanth’s. There was a bare patch of ground there, the grass green and warm despite the winter around it. Xanth’s hand reached out, touching the grass. There was definite warmth, he thought, puzzled. As if spring came only to this one spot. Xanth stood, stretched and looked after his companion, but Trynn was already walking away, his light body not making the same sound on the hard snow as Xanth’s just had.
Xanth ran to catch up to Trynn, and matched his pace when he did. Trynn trudged silently over the open field, staring somewhere distant, his eyes barely slits, but not in the same realm. Xanthesan said nothing at first, turning to look at the elder elf, choosing his words. “I think you should come back.” He paused, waiting for acknowledgement again from Trynn. He usually waited for acknowledgement from Trynn. And as usual, none came. “Come on, Trynn,” Xanth pleaded, “What’s going on?”
Trynn paused, turning slightly and sighed. “I’m tired,” he said. “I feel like I’ve lived a thousand years and am looking forward to the end.” His shoulders sagged and his knees started to buckle. Lowering himself to the ground, he sat crosslegged in the snow and stared at his hands in his lap. “I honestly didn’t think I’d live this long.” His mind wandered then, Xanth could tell. He couldn’t hide that far away look his dark eyes got. “I’ve screwed up so much, and I’m tired of trying to hold it all together.”
Xanth sat in the snow across from this darker elf and said nothing. Instead he waited, listening. After a moment, Trynn continued. “I’ve always dealt with a sense of ‘uniqueness’. I’ve never been comfortable with being so different from the people around me, and so I’ve developed ways to adapt, to fit in. I’ve lived a long time, holding back, controlling my impulses and emotions, and forever held myself in check.” Trynn looked up from under his hood at Xanth, his eyes smoldering. “I don’t know what my nature is capable of, I don’t know what power I have, and sometimes I don’t know who or what I am. And now I’m no closer than I ever was. I thought to separate my emotions, my moods, into entities, you, Lan, the others…” Trynn paused, took a deep breath and looked down again. “All that did was further alienate myself from everyone. INCLUDING myself. I don’t want the war anymore. I don’t want the separation or the weariness.
“It’s hard for me, at times like this, to remember moments when I was whole. I know they are there, in some part of my past, but no single time comes readily to mind. Do you know why?” Trynn asked as he looked up again at Xanthesan.
“Because you’ve split your consciousness,” Xanth said simply.
Trynn smiled. “For me to remember particular feelings, particular moments I have to share a state of mind with the person I was when I first experienced it. I rely on external stimulation a lot for this, like scents or sounds, particularly music. It’s also why my short term memory is so bad. Unless I hang onto a thought or repeat an experience enough to remember it beyond ‘my own’ mind, it’s gone.”
Xanth considered this and interrupted, “Now when you separate yourself from the others, from Brant and Tali, their experiences are gone?”
“In a sense. I may be aware of events, but the details, the reasons for the events and even the sense of it are vacant. Sometimes the things I do make no sense to me in time. Lately it’s worse.”
Home... ??
Let's try something simple. I tend to over complicate things, which in some cases isn't so bad; it allows me to see the greater detail, the interconnectedness of things, and gives me a greater sense of wonder. I had a lazy weekend. I drove home, then to Edmonton on Friday, saw Brokeback Mountain and ate at the Olive Garden. I spent a pie of money on frivolous stuff, like CSI season 5 (DVD is the only way I watch tv anymore), comics and pants.
I'm working on being more forthcoming this year. Therefore, loyal readers, if there's anything you've wanted to know about the mess that is me, now's your chance. It should spice up life a little...
Empty Headed
I'm not always "happy-go-lucky". Sometimes it feels like I never was. I know I can be, for extended periods; I can be friendly and warm, funny, goofy, a "people person". And I'm sure it shocks me more than it does the people around me when I revert to a darker self. I am, afterall, more self-aware than alot of people, because I'm not afraid to be intrigued at the duality I'm capable of. I've been pulling away from people since I got back. I've been taking my iPod to work, listening to music with my headphones on every chance I get. I've been craving solitude.
I've also been exploring the music of David Usher. His music is soothing and dark. If one looks past the pop hits of Morning Orbit, alot of his subsequent albums have a dulcid, tragic, Keats-like appeal. I just bought If God had Curves and I'm enjoying it alot.
I'm tired, and smiling mischieviously at my own jokes.
Darkwing Duck
Hey, why not. I used to watch the show fairly faithfully.
It's 2006, and perhaps it is merely the reluctance to come back to Fort McMurray, but I've been feeling this isn't going to be a good year. For the last two nights I haven't slept hardly at all; thinking about work keeps me awake. I'm paranoid, I feel like I'm constantly being undermined, and I don't trust anyone at work. It's like high school, without the reprieve of skipping. But I survived that without bloodshed, I should be able to pull this off for a while longer. I have decided, however, that this will be one of very few blogs about work. I can't bring myself to admit that work is really that relevant to who I am. Even though it's work that has been shaping every experience I've had these last few months.
I went to my first ever NHL game on the 19th. Calgary in Edmonton. Skybox seats. And I won $20.
Christmas was good, but uneventful, which was exactly what I was looking for, after being sick. Diane bought me season 2 of Corner Gas, a funny little Canadian program about life in a small prairie town. And I got alot of other cool stuff.
Yeah. Still not feeling very chatty.
