The Good Old Days
The end of the shift, for most of them. I was informed shortly after my arrival at this job that I would be the "cross-shift supervisor". That means that my days off aren't until next weekend, so I get to stay. On the bright side, there are three less people in the office with me (the one left behind doesn't talk unless you talk to her first :D ) and my "roommates" are gone for the weekend, so I get the house to myself. I'm ecstatic about having some privacy. Oh, and I told our buyer (the guy who hired me) to price me out and pick me up an iBook. Patience, she said.
I'm feeling "better", for lack of a better word. I'm still a little off emotionally/ hormonally/ spiritually/ mentally, but I can feel the balance returning. I indulged my more emotional side alot last night, the details of which I will not print. It seems to have made me more rational, left me with more control. I'm stoic again; keen. Over the past couple of days, my body and my brain have been at odds. I would decide not to do something, and then found myself going to do that very thing. I didn't want to have a cigarette, and ten minutes later I was going for a walk, pulling out my cigarettes, for example; I wasn't going to have a beer last night, and the next thing I have an open beer in my hand. I have a stronger will than that. It's the same feeling I had when
she was in control. So I released her, let her have some time. I'm skeptical.
I decided not to listen to the stripper's ghost story. Past experience has taught me that strange women find me either an easy target or irresistible. Either way, it tends to get me in more trouble than I am up for at the present. I'm not trying to sound conceited when I say this. It's merely observation. There are certain people who are misunderstood or desperate for affection, and when I listen to them, interact with them, they latch on to me. And they tend to bring with them trouble. Once, I gave a girl a cigarette, and ended up with a bleeding nose when six hooligans wanted to beat her up....
Brant walked out into the cool night air, Trynn directly behind him. "See," he said to the elf, "that wasn't so bad. Admit it, you had a good time."
"It was crowded, too loud and now we stink like stale smoke and cheap alcohol," he scowled. "And I have a headache."
"Smoke," Brant said, patting his pockets. "Damn." Lifting his head, squinting in the blazing blur of fluorescent and neon, the man put his hands into his pockets and strode through the crowd standing outside. He was inebriated, but not drunk. The swollen buzz of beer was clouding his motor skills, but Trynn kept him awake. The two crossed the street, neither speaking to the other; Trynn watched the people moving around the late city night, Brant guided them with purpose.
"Do you have a smoke?" The mousy voice came from their left. Trynn turned.
"No," he said.
"I'm just buying some if you want to hang on for a second, Brant added quickly. He smiled at Trynn and walked to the double doors of the convenience store. "You don't always have to be rude," Brant chided goodnaturedly.
"I wasn't being rude, I was stating a fact. Besides, we can barely afford to smoke as it is."
"Exactly," Brant retorted, smiling at Trynn. The elf cocked an eyebrow at the man and remained silent. Trynn didn't understand Brant's logic, but was afraid of an impending lesson on goodwill and perfect society. Brant felt that sharing would bring richer rewards.
After making the purchase, the two moved back out side and Brant opened the cigarettes, offered on to the girl. She was about seventeen or eighteen, he figured; not conventionally attractive, but pretty, he thought. She was short and slim, with shoulder length brown hair. He handed her a couple of cigarettes out of the fresh pack. "Have a good night," was all he said to her and smiled, walking away.
"That was unnecessary," Trynn said. Brant didn't respond.
The pair were not far away, Brant having just lit a cigarette himself, when a group of young men walked passed him. Trynn scowled inwardly, but Brant didn't seem to notice them. "Hey, there's that little bitch," one of the boys said as they walked passed.
"Kick her ass, man," another egged him on. Brant stopped and watched the group rush the girl he'd just talked to.
"Hey!" Brant's voice boomed, but they still went to the girl. He rushed across the lot to the group that now circled the girl. One of them was pushing the girl and yelling at her, but Trynn's blood throbbed in his head as he growled low, drowning out the voices. Brant, however, was more collected. He but his hand on the leaders arm, getting his attention. "It takes seven of you to beat up a skinny girl?" he asked. "Where's the chivalry in that?"
"You defending her?" the boy asked, turning on Brant. The circle was slowly growing around him.
"I guess I am," he replied, looking the shorter, squat faced boy in the eye. "Just leave her alone." Trynn scanned the crowd. None of them were older than sixteen, he thought. Reason pushed through the rage that was swelling in him; he beat back the anger with logic, as always. He would be charged with assault if he touched any of them. He swore silently. Before he could think further, the boy's fist crashed into Brant's nose. Brant stared, stunned not with pain, but that he didn't see it coming. The boy punched again and Brant took it.
"Don't hit him," Trynn warned.
Blood ran over the man's lips and done his chin. He looked the boy in the face and said, "are you done?" The boys were either sated or scared as they started to move away.
"I'll see you later, you little bitch," the boy said, pointing at the girl. Brant spit blood on the ground and turned away.
"Oh my god, are you ok?" she asked, walking beside him, clasping his arm.
"No," Trynn said, still angry. "I'm drunk and tired and I'm going to bed."
"Maybe we should walk you home," Brant offered to the girl. "Where do you live?"
"Oh my god, a few blocks from here. Wow, that was intense."
For some reason after that, I gave her my phone number to make sure she got home alright, because we separated shortly after that. She called me everyday for a week, and towards the end, I had to be quite blunt that I wasn't interested in a relationship with her. I found out later that she wasn't eighteen, she was fifteen.
Hmmm, after writing that story, thinking about how terrible it was at the time to have to let some young bastard punch me in the face, I can laugh at myself, chalk up a lesson learned and enjoy the telling of it. Perhaps there is adventure to be had in listening to the ghost stories of strippers...
Future Past
Sometimes I'm amazed at just how strange my life can be. Perhaps it's my perception of strange, perhaps mundane reality to me is strange, but I leave that to my faithful readers and the historians of the future to decide.
Last night, Justin and a few of the guys from Firebag came to town to visit. Off-handedly, I mentioned that I live down the street from the strippers. It's about the only landmark in Fort McMurray that I can relate to everyone where I live. In any case, they all wanted to see the strippers while we visited, and since I've been feeling (what's the word…) carnal lately, I agreed. I've been to strip clubs all of 7 times in my life, and though I don't find them particularly appealing personally, I have no objection to them. They are, after all, people trying to make a living, like the rest of us. We'd been sitting there long enough to have a couple of beers, when one of the women, who had just finished her set, came off the stage and sat down with us. For those of you who have never been, at this particular place the girls offer "private lap dances" in a secluded room (all supervised, of course) and they come around soliciting the service after they dance. She was chatting me up, and I asked her about her orange lotus tattoo (which I thought was a tiger lily) and she noticed my pentacle pendant. She told me that she was starting to learn about wicca (I gave her the benefit of the doubt), and told me she had to tell me a story about the ghost that haunts her house in Edmonton, right after she went to "blow her nose". She ended up taking too long to come back, being sidelined by a couple of guys at another table, and we were leaving. I took my note pad out of my pocket, wrote "Frankincense incense" and put on my coat. I walked over to her and told her to "try this for exorcism" and that I had to leave. She was honestly distraught and asked me to come back tonight, so she can tell me her story. I like stories, but I'm not keen on bars full of drunk men when I'm alone, so I haven't decided whether or not to go back.
Oh, and I dreamt about someone trying to kill ravens the other night.
Today's Rune:
Ansuz -Odin
Magic, clairvoyance, wisdom. It's actually the second day in a row I've drawn it. Interesting that I read about the 14 charms of Odin yesterday....
Spaces
I feel out of place. When I was at the other job, I had my own spaces (my room, my cubicle, my head) but here, everywhere I turn, I'm in an open space, surrounded by people. I share an office now with three others; my suite in the basement doesn't have a door yet to close me off from the rest of the house; the computer I use is in the public library where they always stick me shoulder to shoulder with everyone else. I think I'm going to see if I can find a swimming pool tonight, spend some time under water.
Speaking of water, Tali's gaining ground again. I guess in the scheme of cycles, it's inevitable:
"Just relax," Tali whispered into Brant's ear, her breath hot as her lips brushed his ear lobe. He flushed a little, closing his eyes as she brought her fingers to the back of his neck and massaged him gently. He teetered slightly, threatening to collapse. She kissed him gently, just below the ear lobe and ran her hand down his back, pressing her body against him...
Sex. Not just sex, but sexuality, sensuality, hard and heavy, fierce, sweaty, biting. Tali rules emotion, like I've said, but also the physical sensations that go with them. Perhaps that's why she scares me. Where Trynn makes me think I'm losing my mind, Tali makes me think I'm losing my body. I'm afraid to just let her go, like I do the others, to explore and find out where it goes, where it comes from, what energy it draws and creates. She's too unpredictable and volatile, and holds no compunction for destroying the rest of us. She's not afraid to change reality to suit her.
Fritter and Waste the Hours in an Offhand Way
It's interesting to miss things that you never had before. I hadn't had the urge to sit down and write for a long time until I started blogging, but when I got too busy to do any writing for a week or so, I get "itchy". I miss the little processes of analyzing my thoughts and emotions during the day, drawing the runes in the morning, writing, ranting, and anticipating exploring other blogs. I'm a creature of habit, as adaptable as I am. Even though I adjust to new things quickly, some of the old things that I have to lose, even just for a little while, I become despondent without. Particularly, I miss conversations with Sonja.
I've been spending some time at the library lately, and I remember all I hated about computer labs. It's hard for me to type about how insane I feel, about rage, about extreme giddiness or anything, really, while I'm crammed shoulder to shoulder with a 14 year old girl on one side, and a giggling fuck on the other. Not to mention the touring group of boyscouts parading behind me. That said, and also for the work I want to do with MotM, I'm buying a laptop as soon as I can.
I have a BBQ to go to tonight for the new crew I'm working with, which will kill another evening in FM. I like living in town, but I feel more rushed to get things done now. I have no time for yoga, little time to read, no gaming, and no blog. :P Time for adjustments.
The Day After
I completed another day on the new job without the aid of a computer. I'm a little out of place still at work, but it's coming. I'm starting to get a feel for the currents and processes of people. With any luck, by the end of this shift I'll be up to speed. I also found out today that my days off are actually going to fall opposite everyone else. That said, I won't be going home for the long weekend. I'll actually be putting in 18 days without a day off.
I've been reading Da Vinci Decoded by Michael Gelb, as per Sonja's recommendation. I'm enjoying it, but I've discovered that I have to be in a "not Trynn" state of mind to read it. Unfortunately, I've been in a Trynn state of mind for the past couple of days; that is cold, cynical and jaded. I have a hard time with books like Gelb's during this mindset; I'm not as open minded as I could be and when he uses examples that may seem frivolous or trivial (like Katie's four questions about "does _____ appreciate me?"), I tend to want to throw the book across the room. Part of me understands what he's saying, but the darker me laughs or gets annoyed and puts the book away. Trynn isn't interested in "self help", and doesn't trust those who offer "answers" to life's riddles. He knows the answers, sees the intricacies of true life, as it is without the trappings of intruding consciousnesses.
As for Sonja's other question, "but why doesn't she [Diane] want to read your blog though?" I think she's afraid. I scared her some time ago, when I had my "breakdown"; she saw too much, I shared too much and she almost ran from me completely. I've been hesitant to share much with people anymore. Even here, I don't talk much about the events of my breakdown. Perhaps I should. I can say that I sought "professional help" while I was having my breakdown, and was passed over by two "shrinks". Not their field, I was told. I fixed it on my own, sort of. I fractured my mind into pieces because I was out of balance. I took the strength from one mind to bring it back under control. I have a different balance now, maybe not a better one, but definitely one I'm more keenly aware of.
My ritual last night went better than I anticipated. When I was sealing the doors, I could actually see the pentagrams I made, first with the water and salt, and then with the incense. It was like they hung in the air, bands of energy. I was very excited.
Interesting, the familiar feeling of distance and brutal honesty.
Solstice Day and New Beginnings
I'm not sure where to start this blog today, so let's pick up where the last one left off. I'm no longer working at camp, I've said my goodbyes, left behind my quilt and some other nonessentials I forgot to pack (because really, beneath this gigantic scary brain, I'm a forgetful moron) and beat a path down the road that no one could keep up to. Apparently I left Fort McMurray so quickly, I got caught on photo-radar. They mailed me a ticket.
Anyway, on friday I was to go to Edmonton to pick up my special, handmade, one-of-a-kind solstice incense, but when I showed up, the guy (Ed by name) hadn't made it yet. He promised it would only take a few minutes if I didn't mind waiting. I assured him it was alright, and I would browse while he worked and told him not to rush. I was willing to be patient (yup, patient ;) ) mostly because I was afraid that if he rushed, he'd screw it up and I'd really be no further ahead. After a few minutes, Ed returned from the back, flustered and stuttering because he didn't have one of the ingredients. I calmly told him it was fine, asked what he suggested and tried really hard not to be threatening. You see, I'm a skinny, average height man, who looks most of the time like I'm twelve, even though I'm actually thirty. But for some reason (and I love it) people are intimidated by me; my deep, sometimes raspy voice, the hard stare I get when I'm concentrating, the energy I exude when I'm riled.... at least, that's how I see it. In any case, he pulled out Cunningham's incense and oils book and started flipping. I asked if he minded, took the book from him and perused the book myself. I found a few recipes for cleansing and decided on one that contained vervain and frankincense, being the simplest of the recipes (and one for which he had all of the ingredients) and he suggested that I make the incense myself. I nodded, thinking it a fantastic opportunity to learn and make my own personal incense. To get to the point of the story, Ed was further intimidated, I made incense, bought myself a mortar and pestle, and went home, reveling in my new abilities.
Saturday I went fishing, in the rain and caught three fishes.
Sunday I watched movies and napped.
Today (I'm skipping yesterday because I drove and it was dull, except for the curious fact that I didn't listen to anything but the noise in my head the whole way up) I started my new job. That is to say, I would have, but I was in orientation all day. It was likely the longest, most boring day I've had in ages. But tonight I'm going to perform my ritual, have some wine and relax, cleansed and new.
I'm excited that the library is open until 9pm most nights, so I'll still have a few minutes a day to blog and check my e-mail. As for Diane reading my blog, I don't know if she will or won't and she likely wouldn't tell me if she did. It doesn't matter. I wanted her to have the option open to her. It wouldn't change anything, as I speculated earlier, except to maybe give her a different perspective of me. I have a hard time expressing myself vocally, where when I write, words flow and ideas tumble out my fingers.
Goodbye, Cruel World.
It's finally here, my last day at this site. I've been here since August 5 of last year, living in camp, away from my family. I've met some interesting people, and learned some practical things, if not about construction, about people and their natures. I've seen the worst people can be; lining up like cattle, living in filth, shunting responsibility for everything.... But not all of my experiences have been bad. I've worked with some good people, hard working and loyal. Everyone I've worked with has given me a sincere impression of lose at my leaving. They will miss me. I'm flattered and proud that they value me, regardless of my sarcasm, my temper and my dry, cruel wit. I've insulted most of them on a daily basis, but most of the time it was given and received with good humour. Some of them I'll likely never see again, but there are a few that want to keep in touch. I'm not good at following up with people, and often loose contact.
So, goodbye Ken, Justin, Arjun, Stephen, Adam, Alex, Dan, Marty, Megan, Lorne, Darwin, Glen and Brett. Goodbye Robin and Ivan. Goodbye Jim, Carol, Gene, Lisa and Bruce. Goodbye Barb.
Now that the sappy part of this is over, I'm done!!!! Sure, I've worked with a good crew, who I've been territorially protective of from assholes who would otherwise make life hell, but I'm stoked to get the hell out. I don't know if the next job will be any better, but being able to have a bath and beer after work, being able to go to the bathroom without getting my socks wet, not having to have the same dry sandwiches everyday for lunch is going to go a long way to ease the tension. And I love starting over.
Diane gave me shit last night. She's cleaning out the two bedrooms upstairs because the guys are coming to install flooring in them sometime shortly. She's been moving books, in particular. She figures I have books that "other people could love", especially since I "don't even read anymore". Also because I had a package from amazon. I think because of the brain vacation I took, along with the fact that I don't really live at home anymore, she believes that I've given up cerebral pursuits. I take this as an indication that I don't talk to her enough, and I should be more forth coming. I will have to work on that. I wonder, if I invite her to read my blog and she does (I've told her about it, and even given her the address, but she doesn't want to intrude) if she'll better understand what I actually do on a day to day basis when I'm not with her. But will it affect my writing, knowing I have a different audience?
Picture Posting Mayhem
I can post pictures again!!! Having said that, this is what my next tattoo is going to be:
Or possibly something along these lines:
These will, of course suppliment the tattoos I already have:
Postcards From Hell
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/Don't ask, just check it out. I feel guilty about having enjoyed this site.
Trynn and the Giants' Feast
I had a dream:
I was walking outside, at night. The moon was full and a burning orange colour, bathing the landscape in fire, it seemed. The air was warm and the town I was in was built on the side of a steep slope. Below, the black outline of bare branched trees swayed slightly in a soft breeze that did not blow where I was standing. There were people wandering intermittently along the streets, and engaged in quiet conversation. I didn't pay much attention to them.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned, finding a woman, my age with red-brown hair and deep blue eyes smiling at me. She was tall, slightly taller than me, and I knew I should have recognized her, but I couldn't place her. I remained impassive until she reached out to hug me, and then took a step back. "I haven't seen you in so long," she said, her voice hitting that higher pitch twice in the sentence.
"I think you have me confused," I said. "It happens to me all the time." I tried to escape her hug, and she let me go, her eyes focusing on my face, scrutinizing me. She smiled again, undetered.
"No, it's you. Trent, right? We went to high school together. You haven't changed!" I hated these situations; being caught of guard always made me uncomfortable.*
I shrugged, "I'm sorry I didn't recognize you. How have you been?" My voice was still impassive and I was looking over her shoulder at people walking by.
"I'm meeting some people for dinner," she said excitedly. "Why don't you come?" Before I could refuse, she latched onto my arm and more or less dragged me down the street. She started telling me about what she'd been doing with the years between now and high school, even though I didn't asked. Actually, I don't recall having spoken at all. I could smell the wind blowing up the hill now. She was on the downhill side of me, making her less tall, and the wind brought a sweet scent of what could have been jasmine and the dampness of the old trees below. Her hair twisted slightly in the breeze as I watched her out of the corner of my eye.
The restaurant was one large table, filled with people, all of which I found out as I was introduced, were her family. Crowds bothered me; being in a crowd of people that were united made me paranoid. Conversations drifted around the table, and I listened to three or four of them at a time; mostly about kids, or work. Any questions directed at me were quickly answered, shortly and tersely and the questioner would move on. Laughter and clanking dishes, loud voices, the smell of spice and wine, the touch of her on my arm all assaulted my senses. Part of me wanted to experience this, to be part of this kind of family, wanted to belong to something. The larger part of me wanted to leave, and I imagined quietly evaporating into the dark shadows of the room.
"...going to see a movie." Her voice snapped me back to this room.
"What movie are you going to see?" Her brother was leaning across the table, asking me, smiling.
"I'm not sure," I said, looking questioningly at her.
"You'll be able to give her a ride home after, right?" I was confused, and had the feeling of being set-up; they were hunters, beating the bushes, driving me into a trap. I smiled to myself, and decided to see how cunning they were.
"Sure," I said. I pushed myself away from the table and took a quick look around. The family were all beaming knowingly at her, and she latched herself to my arm again. Goodnights were said and we left. "I'd rather get a coffee," I said as we walked down the street.
"Sure," she said and leaned on my shoulder. The contact was starting to make me feel snared, but the warmth of her body was appealing to some other part of me. We came to a kiosk outside, the moon had started to set and the land darkened slightly. We stood at a tall, round table and I looked down the hill at the trees again. The breeze had died now, and the branches were almost indistinguishable from the blackening sky.
I felt a slight touch on the back of my neck and the hair on my arms stood on end. I turned to look at her, and she kissed me. Her lips were soft and her slightly opened mouth breathed a sweetness into me. I could smell her makeup as her cheek touched my nose. "I have a girlfriend," I said, pushing myself away from her. Her face darkened, the softness about her disappeared. I smiled again inwardly, wondering what tricks she would try to break me, to bend me to her will. Her deep blue eyes froze over and she slapped me. I felt the sting of her linger, as did the smell of her makeup.
"You're a fucking bastard," she said, picking up her purse. Before I could say anything, more because I didn't want to than because I couldn't think of anything, she stormed off. I watched her stomp down the road, her hands flailing, her voice carrying more curses back to me.
"That was unexpected," the voice came from behind me. A dark figure stood there, a cloaked shape that I knew as myself.
"I expected something more ambitious," I said. Something didn't feel physically right.
"She stole your wallet," the dark figure said, smiling beneath his dark hood. My teeth gritted and he laughed at me. "Duped anyway. You should have quit while you had the chance."
I'm not sure what the dream means, but I did enjoy it. The textures and smells were incredibly vivid. I realized last night, as I was walking to my room from work that the only thing I can remember changing lately that might affect my unconscious in this way it a small bundle of sage I have hanging over my bed. When I switched bunks, Barb had given me the sage. She bought it at a market in Edmonton, thinking "it looked neat" and that I would enjoy it's esoteric quality. The reason I mention this is because I realized last night, when I remembered the sage, that for all the signs I've been looking at lately, I'm missing some of the more controllable influences. I don't know if it's the sage that has any influence, but it is possible for me to experiment with it.
*It used to. I've become much better at handling surprises. I think this is a hangover from younger days.
Ease
I like that the stress of work is gone, even if it's only a brief hiatus. I feel like I've accomplished more in the past hour than I have in months. I haven't felt like I've been chasing my tail. And my soul doesn't feel like it's been sucked out of me. It's not going to last, but I'm going to revel in it while I can.
I have to do a drug test for my new job on thursday, on my way through Fort McMurray. I've never had to pee in a cup for work before (I started here before they started pre-employment testing). I'm not worried (because I'm not a drug addict), but it occurred to me that I don't know if marigold would show up on those things. I never considered that I would have to explain the use of herbs as a part of religious practice to future employers.
I am:
Loving the new Audioslave album, particularly "Man or Animal" and "Dandelion".
Playing Morrowind still.
Feeling a little guilty about buying
Penguin Book of Norse Myths (actually I bought a copy for Sonja too). But these books are hard to come by, damnit!! There, I justified it.
Looking forward to getting the next day and a half over with.
If you're laughing at this fool tonight
Let me rid myself of any line that I might use to trip you up
And as I'm howling at the moonlight, don't you kid yourself
I will be your luck
Cause even at my worst
I will be your luck
Never be your curse
-Audioslave ('tis vera lycanthropic, so I had to jot 'er down)
Random Memory
I remember things of no particular significance, not so much the events of things, but the feelings. I was trying to think of an example to tell Sonja the other night when we talked, but it eluded me. I thought of something though. I remember living in Chilliwack, in the apartment with my parents, and how I used to sit out on the stairs at night. One night, I was out on the stairs, it had just rained and I could hear the cars on Yale, splashing as they went by, and I was looking at the sky. I could smell the wet grass over the fence. The clouds were breaking and the few stars that could be seen were winking into existance. I was smoking a cigarette, breathing deeply and feeling more or less at peace. There was a poem rolling around in my head (in fact, if I'm not mistaken it's the one I posted on MotM). That night I remember feeling charged, like the little hairs on my body were all standing on end, and I felt at home, sitting there in the dark, alone and watching the stars.
Sweet mother Night, still I haunt thy domain
And trace o’er the paths made only by thy
Children, searching desperately, in vain
For my place in thy kingdom. Tell me why
Only thy cool breath and soft spoken words
Rouse me? Why doth not father Day fill me
With inspiration, and his singing birds
Bring joy to my heart, but sadness only?
Still I thank thee for thy many blessings,
And for bringing upon me gentle peace.
I will live without the light his sun brings,
And lay cradled in thy dark, starry fleece,
Beneath thy moon, a smile upon my face,
And in thy realm, I soon shall find my place.
Moonlight at Midnight
I'm a little on edge this morning. It has been a relatively excellent day so far (even though I've only been here for an hour and a half), but I'm garnering a sense of impending confrontation. Maybe I'm just in a confrontational mood. I'm in a mood I haven't been for a long, long time; I'm bigger than I think, I'm smarter than people give me credit for, and I know and feel things many people could never imagine. And as I sit here, with the half hidden smirk, listening to inane conversations about designer products and unimaginative music, I'm reveling in my dark hidden mind. Maybe it's the rain of the last few days; maybe it's having slept for ten hours last night after being deprived for the last few days; it could be the waxing moon, coming up to be full in one week or the solstice in just under a week; maybe it's that I only have 2-1/2 days to go here before I've officially quit my job. I've had some interesting conversations this weekend, and for all of the reasons above, I feel "connected" to something I haven't been in ages.
Today's Rune:
Thurisaz -Thorn
Hardship, focus, knowledge, pain. Alot of what I've read of this rune is negative; it warns of destruction, of uncontrollable power, of blood. As I understand, the original meaning of the rune was "frost giant", the thing which the gods fought against, but the meaning was changed to be thorn for various reasons. I see the rune with it's "thorn" meaning as opposed to the more destructive "frost giant" meaning. I think both meanings have a place, but when the giant meaning is applied, it's hard to see the lesson here. The rune holds particular appeal to me for this reason:
through suffering there is knowledge. By confronting the giants, the gods often come away with a greater prize (the mead of poetry, Slepnir, the walls of Asgard, and ultimately new life at the end of Ragnarok). The meaning is easier to understand with thorn (climbing into the blackberry bush is painful and will shed blood, but the berries hidden there are sweet). As long as we look for a way to take understanding from that pain, as long as we remember to gather berries while we walk the tangled bushes, the journey becomes better for the hardship.
Ancient Poetry
I'm having the most interesting boring day. I've done almost nothing, apart from sit at my desk, drink tea, listen to music, eat lunch, add to my amazon wishlist, and talk to Barb. I've been poking around on amazon, and I found the complete first season of the Muppet Show on DVD. It won't be released until August, so I preordered it. I love the muppets and am vera excited to watch the episodes. Perhaps I'll experiment with puppet building again.
I added to my wishlist some games that I'd like to play sooner or later, some comics that might be interesting and A Guide to Old English and A Concise Anglo-Saxon Dictionary. I'm interested in language, especially English, but I don't really have the patience to learn one. However, I thought these would be great reference books for studying old poetry and tracing words. I also added a copy of Beowulf, the Poetic and Prose Eddas and Gilgamesh (because I've never read the story).
Weary Minds
It's countdown time. 3-1/2 days to go before I am officially finished up here. I've met some good people up here, and learned some important things about myself, like even though I'm abrassive and cocky, insulting and strange, the people around here seem to have grown attached to me. I don't really know why, but I did enjoy working with most of them.
Last night we went to town for dinner and drinks to celebrate the time I've been here. I had a good time, and surprisingly I was not sleepy. I thought the first beer would do me in, but I made it, and had a good time. They bought me a "muff diver", which was a martini glass filled with whip cream that had a shot of something inside. I was going to refuse it, but decided to do it because they made the effort and wanted to show their affection in their way.
Oh, and I saw a fox on the way into town.
I didn't get to sleep finally until almost 1am, so I'm still tired. More so than yesterday, actually. My body really wants to curl up under my desk and sleep for a while, but so far I'm winning.
Today's Rune:
Ehwaz -Horse
Motion, Power, Energy, Communication..... Wow. This isn't me at all today. I wonder if my over-tired mind is affecting my choice today. Oh, wait a minute. I chose a new tattoo yesterday, a rune ring with Slepnir. I think, perhaps the rune may be indicating that. The ring itself contains all 24 runes, and I've read that by putting them all together in a talisman like this is a way to gain mastery over them all. So, Rune, Horse, communication, and power.
Let's Try That Again
I can't say I'm any less tired, delirious or incoherent, but I thought it was time to try this again today. There were some points I wanted to record for posterity. Sonja didn't want to comment on my blog the other day because an old acquaintance told her I was a drug addict. I'm not, at least I don't think I am. I did smoke pot when I was in college, and even tried mushrooms once, but since moving back to Alberta from Chilliwack, I've gotten high less times than I have fingers. I don't do chemicals, and don't even take pills unless I'm absolutely dieing. That includes over the counter medicines such as aspirin and tylenol. I really don't know what gives him the impression, but it made Sonja wonder if my mental duress was the result of drug induced paranoia, so I thought I would state, for the record, I am not a drug addict.
Oh, I gave up on waiting for someone to e-mail me back about anise incense, so I phoned them today. I hate voice mail and e-mail as a system of business transaction. I'm impatient, you see, and prefer the direct contact of "I talked to Ed and he said I could have it by this tuesday." Case closed, let's move on. When you e-mail or leave a message, I always imagine that the communique falls into some random shuffle system and people pick them out at a whim. Anyways, my point is, I should have my incense for Solstice, and if it works out like I anticipate, I will go back for more good stuff.
What else? I had another point.... Diane too Lucious, her work cat home for the day yesterday. I talked to her this morning and she said he actually spent the night. She's anticipating bringing him home, and wants to adjust Xanth to having another cat in the house. I guess he isn't too keen on the idea and didn't come up out of the basement until 4am.
Incoherant Babbling
I'm light today, and feeling a fair bit of energy. It finally rained last night, the sound of it on the tin roof of the trailer woke me up. Ten minutes after, Sonja phoned me. I haven't talked to her in a while, and I always enjoy our conversations. We think alot alike, but from different perspectives sometimes. She sees things that I don't and helps me to broaden my vision of things. I didn't sleep for the rest of the night and finally had to hang up on her when my alarm went off and I had to get to work. Needless to say, I learned alot last night about myself, in the sense that my diminished, broken state is apparently evident to the world outside my head. That's good though. I've learned that my silent, seeming weakness holds power too. That all of my aspects have an energy that I can use at different times, for different purposes.
Today has found me buying books and creating a wish list. I bought Magical Herbs, Da Vinci Decoded and The Tea Party's Spledor Solis. Other than that, I'm fighting back waves of giddiness and sleep.
Today's Rune:
Jera -Year
Fruition, developement, change and cycle. The rune is one I've drawn before and leads me to believe that as the week winds down (yes, I know it's sunday) the stagnancy of work is coming to an end. It reminds me to be patient (I lack patience) because what change is coming is inevitable. It also reminds me of the inevitability of my personal change. The ground in me has thawed, and my winter is over. The new green things are growing again in my mind, and my soul is like the river overflowing from the melted springs. My own emotional surges are like the early summer storms that rage in and depart quickly.
Tomorrow, Wendy
Oh, today. Today has been a day of highs and lows. I've more or less dealt with some bigger issues that needed to be cleaned up before I leave, but I've also been going back and forth between people "translating". The kid replacing me (he's a summer student, taking engineering) has been feeding me half the information I need to be able to help him with his problems, causing me to rush to fix something that doesn't need fixing.
Apart from that, I've been sitting here listening to music, which isn't getting any great response from co-workers who say I'm putting them to sleep. Loreena McKennitt, mediaeval Babes, selections from Audioslave, Paul Simon and Wide Mouth Mason. I'm trying to just relax and let my emotions flow it and out. Tonight, I'm going to have a bath and some chamomile tea and do some laundry, perhaps some yoga.
It still hasn't rained. For three days the clouds have rolled up and away, the sky is dark. Probably for the best though. If it rained right now, I'd be outside looking for a plot of grass to lay in, and I don't think my supervisers would like that.
Storm's Passing
Trynn stood near the door looking out the window. It was dark out, though the sun was somewhere behind black clouds. But it didn't rain. For three days he and Xanth had been watching the clouds build in the north and somehow always pass by. The storms were raging somewhere, the rain falling, but here it was cool and dry. Tali sat at the table behind him, her eyes still welling with tears. "Stop it," he said, not turning around.
"I can't help it," she said, looking down at her hands on the table. "How do you just push it all away? How do you not feel anything? Just sit there watching and feel nothing?"
Trynn didn't turn around, but leaned against the door frame, crossed his arms. "What makes you think I don't feel anything?" It was a question meant to distract her. He did this too often when confronted; started a debate, an argument; make them answer the question for him. Here he could twist the conversation away from the real issue.
"He feels it," Xanth said, coming to stand behind Tali. He kissed her gently on top of her head, and smiled. Her hair smelled like oranges. Trynn glowered slightly, his eyes narrowed, but he still wouldn't turn around. "He just doesn't know how to experience it. Trynn is essentially a scientist, he reads and understands and imperifies everything. He doesn't fathom where feelings come from. He can't understand them, so he watches and hopes to unlock them. He feels but translates it as energy and tries to harness that into magic."
Xanth moved to the door and looked out the window with Trynn. He smiled at the elf, unchanged except for a few more scars and a few grey hairs. "And she," he said, touching Trynn's shoulder, turning him to look at Tali, "understands that by releasing that power, by letting it flow out of her, new power can flow in. She feels the world and can draw from it. She's unpredictable, but she sees and holds the beauty of universe. Don't stop her Trynn, work with her."
Xanth opened the door and walked down the stairs that would take him to the ground below the large tree. Trynn watched him go and started slightly when Tali's arms went around his waist, her head rested on his back.
I feel better today, I think. Trynn and Tali, my opposites, air and water, together create storms, wind and rain, hurricanes and tornados, hail. I feel somewhat cleansed thinking about it this way. Like the smell of dawn after a heavy rain, everything is washed clean and seems green. I can still feel the charge of the lightning, hear the thunder rolling off in the distance. I've always been resilient.
I found the lyrics to one of Loreena McKennitt's songs, Samain Night, which I thought I'd share here. The way she sings it fills me with longing and peace.
When the moon on a cloud cast night
Hung above the tree tops height
You sang me of some distant past
That made my heart beat strong and fast
Now I know I'm home at last
You offered me an eagle's wing
That to the sun I might soar and sing
And if I heard the owl's cry
Into the forest I would fly
And in its darkness find you by.
And so our love's not a simple thing
Nor our truths unwwavering
But like the moon's pull on the tide
Our fingers touch our hearts collide
I'll be a moonsbreath by your side.
Today's Rune:
Dagaz -Day
How very fitting. When I drew this rune this morning, I asked if I was losing my mind and by this, I see light, as it were. Dagaz is success and happiness, satisfaction and a change. The dawn after the dark night, and the chance to bring new light. The day has changed and brought with it the opportunity to start again with the lessons learned from the previous night. It is suggested also that the shape of dagaz denotes ultimate balance (
IXI ). The four elements are at each corner, the male and female on either side and they meet and are joined in the middle.
Stream
My mind is a scary place to me sometimes. I'd lost control of myself once and just about ended up destroying myself. But I didn't. Instead, I let the fire in my mind burn away everything and was left wasted and tired. For a year, I didn't think, I didn't write, and I concentrated instead on tangible things. Over the last few months, I've been digging again, into the past, into my mind, into the things I was before and what meaning they hold for me now.
Sometimes I feel fake, I feel like I'm not really feeling anything but I'm just making it all up to distract myself from the truth: I'm stupid, untalented, and can only mimic the accomplishments of others. I'm feeling a bit of that today, I think. I've read and reread chapter 5, and not only can I not tell if it's worth posting, I can't see it as coherant. What I'm trying to say, I think, is that sometimes I'm a stranger in my own head. I've looked at myself from too far away for too long and now I can't relate with who I am.
My sister told me yesterday that "I hate who I am Tam (that's what she calls me) on every level. Truly I do...and I am releived and so very sad to have finally realized it." It struck me not only because I care for her so much, that I don't know how she can feel that way, but also that I feel that way too sometimes.
I mentioned the other day that Tali has been poking her head in. I think this is the result. Sonja questioned me before about attributing her with my emotions because she is the female in me, but this is why. It is this sense of confusion, of distance, of just not "feeling right" that drove me before to snap. I won't let it happen again. I've devised plans and traps to stop her from doing that again, but goddamn it, I need to scream and cry and let something out. I'm emotionally bottled, swelling. Right now I can feel my ears burning, my hands tightening into fists, my teeth gritting.
It's these times that I experience my greatest duallities. I want to be alone, and I need someone with me to let me know I haven't slipped past the brink, gone too far and snapped. I understand and I'm puzzled at the same time. I want to start over and I can't let go of what I am. I'm crushingly energized and drained. I hate what I am and revel in my dynamic.
I think I broke my keyboard.
It Profits Little That an Idle King....
I'm tired. I feel defeated and deflated. If I could just get some quiet, some peace and maybe some sleep I'd be better, but as I write this, I've been bothered three times, there are four people standing outside my cubicle, talking loudly and leaning on the walls and I still can't find the music I'm in the mood for. Oh, and I was up past midnight again last night.
Besides that, the company I work for paid out part of our job completion bonuses and didn't put mine into RRSPs like they were supposed to. Now I've paid income tax on it, and I don't have the RRSP. But worse, I'm complaining about money!! I don't fucking care about RRSPs!! I could give a fuck about income tax!!!
Hmmmm. "How dull it is to pause, to make an end, to rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use! As tho' to breathe were life!" Tennyson's "Ulysses" stirs me again. I could spend the rest of the afternoon reciting it over and over until people get annoyed....
Shut up, Trent. Fuck. What compels you to blather on and on, especially when you have nothing to say? At what point do you finally give up and be silent?
I don't. Even in this state I write and write, searching out my feelings until I find a familiar thread, a path to follow out of my low mood and get back to where I want to be. It's cathartic. Besides, this may be interesting at some point down the road.
Chapter 5 is up
It's the shortest chapter so far. I decided to end it where I did to both create suspense and give myself a break. It's been 14 years since that day that Jeff's sister told me he was in the hospital again. It still hurts, oddly. I remember where I was, what I was doing and even have the faint sense of smelling pizza. But we all suffer, all have tales of woe and heartbreak. I actually think I'm becoming more emotional as I get older.
Anyways, my point is it was tough writing this one, and I don't think they're going to get much better for a while. The downward spiral that started in chapter two doesn't break for about another three chapters, and even then, it stays dark.
Motivation
Trynn leaned forward over the table, one leg tucked up under the other thigh on the chair. His chin rested on his thumbs, his fingers curled together. Brant sat across from him, turned sideways, leaning back and quietly drumming his fingers on the table. The familiar sun crept up over the open ceiling as the room was bathed in warm golden light, while Lan slept quietly in the corner.
The silence was relatively uncomfortable, broken finally by Brant's heavy sigh. "This is crazy, let's do something."
"No," Trynn replied flatly.
"Come on, Trynn, we can't just sit here all day. Let's at least go outside and see what's going on." Brant sat up, turning to face Trynn, pleading.
"No, Brant. We aren't interfering." Brant stood up, opened his mouth to speak and decided against it. He only turned and walked away from the table. Alone in the room, except for the sleeping fox, Trynn took a deep breath and placed his forehead on the table. He didn't want to admit it, but he was as bored as Brant. He'd thought about going to his library and reading, but decided against it; even he needed a break, especially in his crippled state. Music didn't appeal to him today, and for a fleeting second, he thought about going outside, as Brant suggested.
He sighed, raised his head slightly and beat it gently on the table. Lan chuckled from the corner, "you could always go outside." The fox stood and stretched, his long tongue curling from his mouth.
"I'm not really energetic enough to deal with people today. Besides, these people have to learn to function without us." The forest in which Trynn and the companions lived was being closed off again from the people he'd let come there for the last few months. Trynn himself wouldn't say it, but the companions had come to rely on the people from outside the forest as much as they relied on the companions. "Why don't you finish telling me about the giants?" Trynn suggested, leaning back in his chair.
Hunger
As the day progresses, I'm feeling more removed, more distant from people. I'm feeling sardonic, cold. My mind is hungry though. I've spent most of the day researching wiccan symbology, particularly the pentagram. I'm finding myself more and more drawn to symbols and the histories and myths that surround them. Luckily for my hungry brain, I've picked a rather large, very shrouded topic to research.
On the one hand, I haven't written anything today. I'm just not in the mood for writing fiction. Every word was coming out flat and cold. On the other, I've shook the feeling of frustration I had. It seems I've exchanged it for a feeling of analytical curiosity.
My sister read my dream and became upset. She read it as a parallel between her and our uncle, the two of who don't see eye to eye, and read that they were together in the dream because they "are the same animal". I assured her we are both that animal, but have both found ways to be better. I hope she doesn't take it too hard. In our conversation today, she also asked if I would create a rune set for her. I think it would be an honour to do this for her.
To Strive, To Seek, To Find
New moon energies is the best explaination I can come up with. Perhaps it's work; that lighter burden, or switching jobs. I've been creative lately, intuative and "filled". Of course, it's not all good. In trying to capture the feelings, trying to explain what I mean, I feel like I'm losing it, cheapening it or not explaining it right. I also feel impulsive, indecisive and a little frustrated. I want something, but I don't know what it is. Could be that my inability to sleep until almost 1am has me screwed up today.
I'm going to work on MotM today, while I'm sitting here waiting for someone to ask me questions. This shift at work is about getting the new people aquainted with the systems they'll be using. Basically, I'm trouble shooting. Trouble shooting, indecisive and oh, I'm listening to Leonard Cohen. Hmmm, let's throw in some Rainbow instead.
Today's Rune:
Ehwaz -Horse
Usually when I draw a rune in the morning, I ask for an overview of how my day might be, what should be expected in a general sense. This morning I wanted to ask something more specific; am I becoming more skilled at reading portents and signs? Before I talk about the actual meaning of the rune, I wanted to point out something I thought particularly interesting. The 24 runes are split into three groups, or aetts, and ehwaz falls into the third aett. Further, it is the third rune of the third aett, coresponding to the three Norns.
The rune itself is power, energy, assistance and communication. As I've mentioned before, Slepnir carries Odin through the worlds, and perhaps that is how this should read. The power of the horse carries the rider to new places and brings word from other worlds. Something to think about, in any case.
Fertility
I'm more collected today. I woke a little earlier, had a frosty shower and shaved. For the first time in a while, I don't remember what I was dreaming about. I remember feeling it, experiencing the dream, but no details. I find dreaming is one of my favorite experiences, always intriguing, fascinating.
I had a dream on friday that I remember vividly. I was outside, having dinner at some sort of family function. My mom's brother was there, along with a few other people including my sister, Diane and Al, our truck driver at work. I was looking over my uncle's shoulder watching a white bird swoop back and forth in the air. It rose on one side, and dipped coming up again on the other, like a pendulum, but more erratic. I noticed that there was something rising and falling from the bird's back as it did. It had two hatchlings on it's back, that were jumping into the air at the pinnacle of the jump and the bird was swooping to catch them again.
I got up from the table and went over to investigate. As I approached the bird swooped to the ground and hid in the nook of a tree. It had downy white and brown feathers and looked like a small owl, but as I got closer, I saw it had four feet, each ending with sharp, black talons. It was a miniature griffin. I laid on the grass in front of the tree and began to coax the griffin out. It approached me trepidatiously, the hatchlings following, and determining that I wasn't a threat, it wound itself in my hair and gently clawed the top of my head. The hatchlings also came out and chased each other around my outstretched body, and Diane came to sit with me. She told me we had to leave.
When I returned to the table to tell the company we were leaving, my uncle asked what I was doing. I told him I found a bird's nest. He licked his lips and laughed a deep, raspy voice, "I bet the wings are nice and tender." I threatened him with violence if anything happened to the nest while I was gone, and he laughed.
I returned later and found that the party was dispersed, except my sister and a couple other people. The table was littered here and there with bones and white and brown feathers. I remember feeling rage, deep rage, even in my dream, and told my sister that I was going to find our uncle and make him regret what he'd done. My sister turned and smiled at me, fresh blood at the corner of her mouth and told me it wasn't our uncle. Al, the truck driver killed the griffins, tore their wings off and brought them whole and bloody to the table. The gathering devoured the raw, feathered flesh and dispersed.
It reminds me, especially today, about my willingness to see the beauty and fragility of the world around me. I see the sacred, the magical, while people I'm surrounded by see consumption. Or perhaps, it was a reminder of the vicious carnivors I'm descended from.
Today's Rune:
Berkana -Birch
Growth, health, fertility. My mind feels fertile today, my thoughts growing and green. Abundant. I saw this rune yesterday in the "Bluetooth" logo. It's an oval, blue shape, like a polished stone, with a bind rune (a single rune made of two or more runes) in it; Berkana (which looks more or less like
"B") and gebo ("
X"). That makes drawing the rune today particularly portent, perhaps (hmmmm, alliteration).
Fire
You ever had that feeling, right at the base of the back of your neck, when your skin tightens and shudders and at the same time your lungs fill and the bottom of your throat tightens, preparing to scream as loud and as long as you can, all for no reason?
I am Fire today; hot, tempermental, fierce, sexual, almost uncontained, chaotic. But not angry. There is no loathing here, no impatience for people.
Disoriented
I feel schiztophrenic today. The people in my head are at odds. Like roommates without time apart, they're testy and annoying. Tali's been poking her head in, which makes the rest of me uneasy, especially my darker, introverted Trynn. In any case, the people in my head, it seems, are all taking turns this morning. It's a little disorienting, having perspective change like that; looking at something from too many points of view almost simultaneously. Lately I've been wondering if I really am losing my mind. In all seriousness, I doubt it. I just need to focus, to centre again and bring the mind back in line.
Solstice in under two weeks away, and I still have alot of planning to do. I don't know how my "landlords" (....that's just weird) are going to react to incense, let alone pagan rituals in the basement, so I'm going to keep it low key (Lo ki). Simple cleansing, first myself, then the suite. At least I'll be able to have wine without being a smuggler.
I looked at the suite yesterday, and I'm actually going to be quite comfortable there. As I suspected, I will have a bathtub, but I'll also have a fireplace in the basement. I'm already anticipating the cool winter nights, curled up on the floor, reading and working and sleeping by firelight.
Oh, and to celebrate my recent ferallity, I bought
American Werewolf in London and
Company of Wolves. By modern standards of special effects and big budgets, these movies don't rate, and yet they are among a short list of "Classic" movies, by my tastes. Being bloody movies about lycanthropy doesn't hurt ;)
The Warrior
It's thursday, which means it's home day. This afternoon, I'll be traveling for the second weekend in a row. I a little screwed up because of last weekend, but it's good. Two weekends in a row of peace and love, sunshine and beer. We're going to Edmonton tomorrow for the night to have dinner, maybe check out a movie (but I've been told it won't be Revenge of the Sith) and do some shopping.
I spent some time packing last night. I'm taking home anything that isn't essential to me next shift. This includes most of the books and witchy paraphenilia I'd brought up over the course of the last 9 months. I think I'd feel better about it all if I had a place to move it to, but I haven't found a place to stay up here yet. There's an over shadowing uneasiness that is twinging the bottom of my stomach. My back up plan for not finding an apartment is living in a hotel. Barring that, I have no plan. I'm not worried about being homeless, because I can survive, it's not knowing.
*Edit* In the time it took me to finish the story below, I have a place to live. One of the people in the office has a furnished basement suite for rent, so I took it*
Today's Rune:
Teiwaz - Tyr
The warrior's rune. Duty, discipline, self-sacrifice and strength. All those things I wish I had more of in my character. It is time to be strong, to stand my ground and prepare for battle. Conflict. This is the rune of Tyr, one of the norse gods, and is involves one of my favorite norse tales. My loose understanding is thus:
Loki fathered three children. Hel, who became mistress of the realm named for her, keeper of the dead, Jormungand, the Midgard serpent who lives in the seas and encirles midgard, and Fenrir, the wolf. The children grew, both in strength as well as power and both Hel and Jormungand were cast out of Asgard to protect the gods. But Fenrir was allowed to stay. The time came when the gods looked on the wolf and feared that he too would soon be too powerful to contain, and Odin foresaw his own death in the jaws of the great wolf in his vision of Ragnarok. It was decided that Fenrir would be fettered to protect the gods.
A great chain was created, and the gods went to Fenrir and offered him the challenge of breaking the chain. Fenrir scoffed that he was so strong, no chain could hold him and was bound. He stretched out his great body and splintered the chain and the gods went away.
Later they returned with a second chain, bigger than the first, its links massive. The challenged Fenrir to break this chain. Again, Fenrir scoffed, and was bound. And again, stretching out, the wolf shattered the chain. Disheartened, the gods went away.
Odin sent message to the dwarves, living below Midgard to create a magic fetter to bind the wolf. The dwarves gathered cats' footfall, women's beard, bears' sinew, mountains' root, fishes' breath, and birds' spittle (all things that no longer exist in the world because of this) and created a magical thread and presented it to the gods. They took the thread to Fenrir and again challenged him to break the bond. Suspicious, Fenrir would only agree if one of the gods would put his sword hand in the wolf's mouth. All the gods were nervous, trying to decide who would do it, expect Tyr. Tyr walked up and placed his right hand in Fenrir's mouth and the others bound him with thread.
Fenrir stretched, but the thread held. He shook, but the bond would not stretch and when he realized the thread would not break and that the gods had trapped him, he bit down on the right hand of Tyr.
Beauty and Bullets and Heartbreak
I had very odd, very vivid dreams last night, but I only remember scattered details, that were more like disjointed memories than dream. And, oddest of all, I woke up with the corus of a song in my head, but it's one that was in the dream, and I'm pretty sure it's not a real song; something about "beauty and bullets and heartbreak".... or something.
We're doing another bbq today and since I was such a helper last time, this time I have a title: Supplies Coordinator. Hmm. In any case, it's to help out Barb so I'll give it my best, short tempered shot.
I'm in a strange mood today. For the passed two months (that I've noticed), the moon has been out during the day, and I think I'm starting to feel weird about that. Maybe it's just because I haven't been spending any time outside at night, but it's disconcerting. Trynn seems to be dominant today, but in a backseat, behind the shadows kind of way. It seems something's wrong, but I don't know what.
