Reset: April 2005

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Energy Drain

I'm starting to get annoyed with the fog in my head. I seem to be having trouble focussing on and finishing thoughts. Words aren't coming to me, and my mind is distubingly silent. My mind is never silent. There is always some thought, some background noise of some kind moving through my head, but today I've noticed, I'm losing my train of thought, and when I do, my mind is quiet. The energy sapping I've been experience seems to have also taken even the mental energy.

Old Stone Walls

Sonja and I have embarked on a joint blog. She's invited me to participate in a venture of exploring the atributes of Asatru and Wicca/witchcraft and how we can combine the two into one system. I'm honoured and proud that she wants me to be a part of this.
Thanks Sonja.

Beltane Eve

Beltane Eve. I had no plans for a ritual, there would be no fire, but there is the possibility of beer on the horizon. Alex, our equipment coordinator reminded me that I have my car here and we are going to town tonight. Justin even said he'd drive. So, it'll be a little early, but I can have my Beltane feast tonight, light some candles for a fire at midnight and make a small offering to the gods (even if it is a bit of beer and some leftovers).
I was planning on fasting today, to do something to cleanse my body, but I've learned to never turn down opportunities like this.
On another note, I haven't been feeling myself lately. I've been lightheaded and distracted; experiencing boughts out tunnel vision and all in all, I feel different. I'm having trouble with energy; not just mine, but energy of everything. I can't seem to bring anything into focus. I've been ignoring it, chalking it up to the events of the weekend, the stress of work before that, just being tired. Sonja has pointed out that she's feeling similar physically, like her soul is escaping her body. I don't know what's causing it, but it's disconcerting, especially since now it isn't just me. I'll need to focus on pulling my mind back into my body and pushing the fog out of my head.
I've had this feeling before, but I can't place it.

Today's Rune:
Eihwaz: Yew
Transformation, death, change..... interesting.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Validation

Last week, just before I went home, I was pissed off. I was mad that the people in the office wanted me to come up with ideas on how to improve the tool systems on site, and I did. I simplified the process, implimented some intial changes, and went to a meeting to roll out my process. Promtly, everyone who had told me the idea was good backed up and left me hanging. I was then instructed that we would instead build a system that was not only not any better than the one we have now, it would fail. I knew it would, they knew it fail, but they wanted it to prove it would. Fuckers. I was pissed.
Today, I had a meeting with some of the higher-ups on the project to discuss this new (aka: destined to fail) system that we were going to roll out. The head boss told everyone to fuck off. He actually reitterated my original points and shut everyone else down. It was awesome. I feel validated and vindicated.

On a seperate note, tomorrow is Beltane eve. It's one of my favorite times of year, and my favorite pagan holiday. Every year for the passed 4, I've gone out to the place Diane and I go, build a big fire and make an offering. I love sitting out on that hill, watching the flames, watching the sunset and soaking up the spring.
This year, I'll be here. There will be no fire, due mostly to the snow we're getting as I write this. There will be no beer, or wine, and no offering.

Last Will and Testiment of Trent B. Wild

I've been thinking these days about funerals (for obvious reasons), and decided to outline what I want done with my corpse. I want a viking funeral. I want to be put in a wooden boat, set aflame and set adrift on a lake at sunset. I told Diane about this, but she doesn't think they'll let me "float a flaming corpse on a lake". So, I've thought of a way around it. I want to be cremated, THEN put in a wooden boat.... That way, there will be no half charred body floating around in the lake. I want to be burned (on the lake) with my sword, my staff and rings, so that they will go with me into the afterlife.
As for my possessions, I don't have much. I guess Diane can have everything, but I'd like her to either auction whatever she doesn't want (ie: my comics, toys, etc) and give the money to childrens charity or give the toys and comics to childrens charity. My books are for my sister, who I think could use them, and my writings should be gathered and somehow given to my son, Chad. My sister, Christine, will know how to find him.
I don't suppose this is binding, in anyway, or legal, but it's written so it has to count for something.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Back in Familiar Spaces

I'm relieved the weekend is over. I usually relish the days off, the time to myself, the lounging.... This weekend was travel, wall to wall relatives and more travel.
My grandma died on thursday night, just after I got home. Diane and I packed and left the next afternoon for Red Deer, where I stayed until tuesday, after the funeral. Diane left on sunday to be back at work for monday. It was a weird weekend, in that a)there was almost no drinking, b)there was almost no fighting, and c)I hadn't seen most of these people for 15 years. My little cousins all have kids, and I have a new cousin, who is 4. My mom's youngest brother finally settled down. All in all, the experience was (I don't want to say pleasant) good. I had the chance to put to bed some of the ghosts and demons that haunt me from that side from time to time.
I also bought golf clubs on the weekend. I actually finally paid money for sporting equipment. I'm ashamed and proud all at the same time. Now, this doesn't mean I'm going to turn into one of those golf nerds; the guy who practices his swing all day, the guy who sits on the couch holding his putter waiting for the clouds to break. I thought I still need to do some different things this year, and fishing and golfing seemed good outdoor activities.
That said, I'm glad to be back at work so I can have some piece and quiet. I look forward to reading the new books I have and spending some quality time with myself.
I'm also adding a new thing to my blog. Everyday since I created my runes, I've been drawing one as a "what can I expect today?" thing. So I thought I'd make a note of it, see if I can see any patterns forming, and maybe give me some insight about the rune.

I am:
Reading Norse Mythology: A Guide to the Gods, Heroes, Rituals, and Beliefs
Playing KOTOR II and Jedi Academy (which I also picked up on the weekend)
Listening to an audio book, The Priestess of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley and Diana Paxson on the way to camp (because I drove my car)

Today's Rune:
kenaz: the torch

Thursday, April 21, 2005

The Valley of the No-Mind

Thursday, as you well know, is going home day. And not a minute too soon. I'm having a hard time with the double talk, back stabbing, let's-do-every-thing-fourteen-times-to-see-how-fucked-up-it-can-be, ask Trent and ignore him bullshit that's been going on around here the last couple of days. They want me to help build a tool control system on site that doesn't work, to replace the one that doesn't work, just so we can watch it fail and say "I told you so". I've said it before: I hate repeating myself. I think doing a bunch of work and redoing a bunch of work, knowing it will fail is not only counterproductive and pointless, it pisses me off. They wanted me to layout a system of tool control that will correct the issues we've currently got, which I did, and granted, it will be time consuming to begin with, and make the people using the tools have to actually look for and take care of the tools they have. But instead, we're pushing through a bastardized, let the tool crib do all the work process that is going to take 6 people to run, all after hours at overtime pay.
There. I've ranted, and I've smashed some stuff, and I'm going to stop before I quit my job.

I am:
Going to drink beer tonight.
Going to have sex with my girlfriend tonight.
Going to not think about work for the rest of the weekend.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

The Best Laid Plans...

There's nothing quite like some good old physical labour to take your mind off of the shit clogging it for a while. I've been in the back of the warehouse moving and removing cases and cases of welding rod almost all day. For those of you who don't know, a case of welding rod weighs about 40-50lbs, depending on the size of the rod (ie: 3/32, 1/8, 5/32 etc). After that, I moved some filing cabinets and desks. Needless to say, I'm sweaty and exhausted, but I'm feeling better. The last couple of days, with the anticipation of my grandmother's demise (which, as far as I know hasn't happened), seeing the relatives, and just dealing with a crappy couple of days at work have drained me. I hate the feeling of not having a plan, and a back-up plan, but I found that with the weekend, I didn't know what I'm going to be doing, so how can I have a plan? So, I worked and worked and took my mind away from it, and now I don't need a plan. I'm prepared to be spontaneous and let the weekend play out how it will.
Mom, dad and my sister have gone to Red Deer today to see what's going on. Mom's going to callme on thursday to let me know what is going on, and I'm likely going to end up driving down. The only thing I know for sure is that I'm not staying here, I'm going home, I'm going to read my new books, I'm going to play with my cat and spend time with my girlfriend. Everything else is in consequential.

I am:
Listening to Audioslave.
Playing Star Wars Battlefront until I beat those fuckin' droids and take Mos Eisley.
Packing to go home tomorrow.
Watching the first spider of the year walk across my cubical wall.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Ode to a Nightingale

MY heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
’Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness,-
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green, and shadows numberless,

Singest of summer in full-throated ease.

II.

O, for a draught of vintage! that hath been
Cool’d a long age in the deep-delved earth,
Tasting of Flora and the country green,
Dance, and Provencal song, and sunburnt mirth!
O for a beaker full of the warm South,
Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene,
With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,
And purple-stained mouth;
That I might drink, and leave the world unseen,
And with thee fade away into the forest dim:

III.

Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
What thou among the leaves hast never known,
The weariness, the fever, and the fret
Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;
Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last gray hairs,
Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;
Where but to think is to be full of sorrow
And leaden-eyed despairs,
Where Beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,
Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow.

IV.

Away! away! for I will fly to thee,
Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards,
But on the viewless wings of Poesy,
Though the dull brain perplexes and retards:
Already with thee! tender is the night,
And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne,
Cluster’d around by all her starry Fays;
But here there is no light,
Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown
Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways.

I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,
Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs,
But, in embalmed darkness, guess each sweet
Wherewith the seasonable month endows
The grass, the thicket, and the fruit-tree wild;
White hawthorn, and the pastoral eglantine;
Fast fading violets cover’d up in leaves;
And mid-May’s eldest child,
The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine,
The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves.

VI.

Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call’d him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain -
To thy high requiem become a sod.

VII.

Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
No hungry generations tread thee down;
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient days by emperor and clown:
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path
Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,
She stood in tears amid the alien corn;
The same that oft-times hath
Charm’d magic casements, opening on the foam
Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn.

VIII.

Forlorn! the very word is like a bell
To toil me back from thee to my sole self!
Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well
As she is fam’d to do, deceiving elf.
Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades
Past the near meadows, over the still stream,
Up the hill-side; and now ’tis buried deep
In the next valley-glades:
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?
Fled is that music: - Do I wake or sleep?

John Keats
December 30, 1816.
-->Poems (1817)

Tribal Solidarity

I talked to my sister last night. Yesterday I proposed "it is possible that things have changed since I've seen them all last," when speaking about my mom's siblings. As it turns out, things haven't. The old matriarch hasn't died yet, but the infighting, squabbling over possessions and madness have begun. We all learn important things from our families growing up, so the touching episodes of the Wonder Years tell me. I learned to fend for myself, to be independent, and distrustful. I learned that people can be unpredictable and violent. I learned that I genetically have the propensity for rage and aggression. More importantly, I've learned control, I've learned to be quiet, and I've learned that I don't need other people to survive. Having them around is nice, but I can be fine on my own.
I know it sounds callous, but I am not unfeeling or unsympathetic. If I were, I wouldn't even be writing about this. I'm concerned about my mom. Her family has never been really kind to her, but family is important to her. She's always had a feeling of inadequacy around them, so she's always wanted to show them how strong her family is. We don't talk much, the four of us, but they are my tribe.
So, my sister is on her way to Carrot Creek to get my mom today, to take her to Red Deer. This weekend, instead of working through my days off, like I'd planned, I'm also going to Red Deer, to stand with my mom, to give her brothers and sisters a sense of our solidarity. To show them that, though perhaps we aren't all hugs and kisses, we are a family.
And just in case, I'm bringing my short sword.

Monday, April 18, 2005

News from Home

My sister just dropped me an e-mail to let me know that my grandma, my mom's mom, went to sleep a couple of days ago and hasn't woken up yet. I'm not shocked, nor am I saddened by the news. She's been in a home for over 5 years, has alzheimer's, and has had several strokes. Oh, and I haven't talked to her for 14 years. I've never been close to my family, by any stretch of the imagination. I've always been a bit of an outcast among them.
Perhaps I should elaborate. It's been 4-1/2 hours since I started this post, and I've taken some time to let it sink in. My grandmother, it should be known, has been on her death bed for about 3 years. Twice before I've made arrangements to go to her funeral. I've more or less already prepared myself for the funeral.
I don't look forward to facing the family, should she pass away. My mom has 2 sisters and 3 brothers, all of whom (last time I checked) were angry alcoholics. The only thing they like better than drinking is fighting. It is possible that things have changed since I've seen them all last (we all change, right?). After all, it has been 14 years...

Reflection

It's been just over a month since I started this little blog. A month. It already feels like a lifetime. I've been going through my previous entries, reviewing what I've been up to the passed few weeks (I'm having trouble with the fact that it has only been such a short time). Comics, poetry, Gods, the death of a friend, reuniting with a friend, Ostara, puppets, toys, energies (phenomenal energies), rage, sadness, giddiness, beer, darkness and light, old stone walls and darkened walks, my mind, my cat, my coworkers, Black Sabbath, the edge of the universe and back, runes, witches, tea, books and snow. All in a month. It brings to light for me the diversity I'm capable of, that all people are likely capable of. I'm amazed, stunned really, at how much has happened.
I'm also more aware of how far I have to go now. I started this blog to clean out my mind, to organize the clutter, to sort through the neglected junk and file what's important. I've discovered my divergences and given them names, sorted and attributed my differing traits to them. Now I have to make them whole. Maybe. I never been able to relate how I can have such differing, conflicting mindsets (think how interesting something is one day, and pointless the next), until I recognized this.
LOL Even now, I start to get on a roll about my mind, trying to get "deep", and something (someone) else in my head laughs and wonders what the fuck I'm even talking about. Likely Brant and Lan trying to keep the darker halls locked, distracting Trynn from those places no longer accessible, stuff buried by the rubble of the fortress. I was going to delete the previous paragraphs, but I'll keep them as a point of reference.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

13 Principals of Belief

I've poking around this morning a little during breaks and such and decided to swing by http://wicca.timerift.net/index.html to take a look at some wiccan articles. Wicca has been of particular interest to me in the past, but found that I couldn't "take it seriously" because too many people have turned it into a hollywood-day-at-the-mall mockery of religion. Sonja introduced this site to me, and on reading the opening article, "No More Fluffy Bunnies", I was elated. Finally, I had a practical resource for wiccan thought and practise that included dark and light.
Today, on the site, I stumbled upon an article entitled "13 Principals of Belief, Retort" by Aldous Tyler. I was somewhat angered by the article. In it, Aldous makes the point that the "13 principals of Belief", created by the Council of American Witches (a council I didn't know existed) is outdated and false. I read both the article (http://wicca.timerift.net/laws/13principals.html) and the retort (http://wicca.timerift.net/laws/13principals2.html) and came to the conclusion that Aldous missed the point.
I got the impression that they were written at a time of relative newness for the wiccan belief system, and were provisioned to give a framework for the beliefs of the assembled wiccans, to both introduce the precepts of the "new" religion to outside religions, and to lay a foundation to let other members build on. I didn't read these as laws, but rather ideas of what wicca may be.
Aldous' point revolve mainly around "there are many wiccans today..." to refute the principles, which is misguided and pointless. It should be viewed not as a stone tablet that says "This is how we live and if you live outside this, you aren't worthy", but rather a historical document. It was signed and dated in 1974 by a collection of likeminded people, and the belief system of wiccans has admittedly changed a great deal since that time. Saying the document is false because the modern strains of wicca did not exist is like saying Columbus didn't come to North America because he didn't have an airplane. Furthermore, to refute these general statements as un-wiccan is ridiculous. They, in general terms, outlined the core of a belief system I think not only worthy of what I understand about wicca, but my own hopes for my spiritual path.
By saying that marking the rituals of the wheel of the year is an "unneeded act", by implying that we should do nothing to protect our environment, that authoritarian heirachy and organizational hierachy are the same to me is sad. If we do not revere the God and Goddess and their aspects in nature, if we do not seek the balance of nature, the life force that permeates everything, what the hell is wicca about?
I do take solace, however, in Aldous' closing statement, "no one I know around here would sign a document like this today", because I don't think I'd want to be associated with so callous, so deluded an individual.

The Inheritance of Power Brings Change

Last night, after tea with Barb, I decided to try a reading with my runes. I decided on the three rune draw, seeming the simplest way and most familiar to me. In the three rune draw, three runes are pulled, each one in order representing the past, present and future: the three Norns.
My "question", the thing on my mind at the time of the reading that I wanted to clarify was "how do I reconcile myself to my spiritual path?"

Oþila is in the position of the past. The rune represents my "home", my centre and can also be associated with legacy; the legacy of my ancestors perhaps (the Saxon, German, Nordic), or the legacy of my own past. Jennifer Smith at www.tarahill.com says of this rune "Oþila not only completes the smaller cycle of the third aett, but also brings us back to the beginning of the fuþark itself, only on a higher level". The idea of coming back to the runes I thought was fitting here. This could be seen as reinitiating my study of the Gods and the runes I had begun so long ago and left over the years; inheriting the runes, the spiritual path from my own past.
Ansuz is in the position of the present. Odin's rune, the governor of magic, of balance between wisdom and war, mind and body. It is a rune of innate power, strong in magic and intuition, and indicates to me that a path of magic, of wisdom, may indeed be the right path. By feeling the forces, learning about the old ways and studying the realms of magic I can attain better spirituality.
Eiwaz, the yew, is in the position of the future. It is a rune of transformation, of facing fears and death. Through the death of my former self, I can be remade. By passing into Hel, I can confront the darkness (of myself perhaps) and learn the mysteries hidden there. Learning wisdom that can't be taught, learning through experience. This isn't a new concept to me. I generally face whatever stands in my way, living through hardship, learning from it and being better because of it, leaving behind many "former selves". However, change for me is always dramatic, full of upheaval. I very seldom emerge from change the same person. But maybe this is the "fear" I have to face. Perhaps in not becoming something completely different, but by reintergrating myself, bringing together my past selves, my legacy and combining that with magic I can be a whole spirit, instead of several fractured ones.
An interesting read. I'll have to revisit this to see what has progressed.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Jump Down, Turn Around, Beat Your Head on the Desk

It feels good to be back to my self. I have my energy back today, and apart from a headache from dealing with screwed up cable receivings (don't ask, my head throbs when I even think about it), I feel fantastic. I went out last night, briefly, saw the moon, watch some really bad anime with Justin, and played KOTR II for a bit, before passing out with my xbox and tv still on at around 10:02pm (approximately). I woke up this morning more or less refreshed and revitalized.
If I get some time today, I plan to look into Asatru stuff some more and plan what I want to do tonight in terms of rune work. But, to do that, I need to get my ass back to work and get the mountain of paper cleared from my desk.

I am:
Listening to Blues Traveller's Straight on Til Morning
Playing KOTOR II for the first time in over a week
Trying to get through the tangled maze of cable paperwork before my 2pm meeting

Friday, April 15, 2005

Springtime in Alberta

You know what I like best about living in Northern Alberta? The unpredictability of the weather. Three days ago, the weather was warm, the grass was starting to green, trees were budding, and today, blizzard. We literaly have two feet of snow on the ground right now. But, in all honesty, I love it. I've been listening to people moan and complain about the weather around here, but really people, it is Alberta, not Jamaica, and the moisture the snow is brining is going to clean away the grime and dust from winter and bring water levels up to where they should be. This is what nature does.
It got me thinking this morning about how far removed from nature we've become. Humanity, around here at least, has become like the spoiled child who looks for any reason to have a tantrum and break his toys. It's snowing. Sure it's alot of snow, but it's not washing away our crops, our houses aren't collapsing, and it's actually not even cold out. In fact, it's getting warmer as we speak. Frankly, weather fascinates me, and there aren't very many places like this, where you'd get such extreme weather patterns.

Blood and Runes

Drained. I'm drained today. My rune set is complete, and I have almost no energy left in me. It took four hours from start to finish.
I lit three candles, one for each of the rune sets, the aetts, also one for each of the Norns. I heated a piece of wire in the candles' flames and burned the runes into each of the wooden disks I'd previously cut from a fruit tree. As I worked at making each rune, I contemplated the rune itself, it's associations, it's meanings, it's relationship with the other runes. When I had completed the twenty four runes, I asked Odin to grant me wisdom and truth to use the runes, to guide me in my use of the runes.
I made a small cut on my left palm, and pressed each rune to it, again one at a time, speaking the name of the rune aloud. It doing so, I hoped to bind the rune to me, to "open myself" to the rune, and make the set mine by my blood. The set turned out good, in my humble opinion. I'm going to try some readings tomorrow.
But today, I'm drained.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Focus

Last night was relaxing. I didn't go for a walk, because it started to snow, but I did sit in my room, lit a candle, listened to some music and finished my written rune work. With any luck, I should be able to start construction on my rune set tonight. I have almost everything I need, except a piece of wire to burn the rune and a clean knife for bloodletting.
Today's resolution: Don't maim, kill or otherwise injure anyone.
Actually, I'm feeling good today. Quiet, but good. I'm going to focus on my work and get through today without conflict.

I am:
not currently playing anything on xbox
trying to remember the last time I turned on the tv, come to think about it
not reading much that isn't on the internet
listening to Led Zepplin III

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Amazon

The day has picked up a little. For some reason, I find it therapuetic to look for interesting stuff and procure them. I bought myself 2 books today at amazon.ca; The Elements of Ritual, and Norse Mythology: A Guide to the Gods, Heroes, Rituals, and Beliefs. Books on the Norse gods are hard to come by, I've found, and this one seemed interesting. Of course, I won't be able to look at it until I get home, so it'll be one more thing to look forward to.
Also, I don't know if I'd mentioned it, I'm building a rune set. I took a branch from a fruit bearing tree in my yard (I'm not sure what it is) and cut myself 24 disks. I'm going to dry them out, and finish my written rune work this week and then I plan to inscribe each disk with a rune, burning the rune into it, and then adding a drop of blood to each, while speaking the name of the rune (to bind the rune to me and to symbolize the blood Odin gave to learn the runes). I'm anxious to see how they turn out.

"Give in to your hatred"

What I can't figure out is why the more I want to be left alone, the more people bug me. What innate urge drives people to think "Hmmm, Trent looks grouchy today, I'll go ask him what's wrong and interupt him until he finally snaps and puts an axe in my skull." No, I'm not depressed or sad; no, I don't want a hug; no, for fuck sakes, I don't want people standing in my cubical, pointing out to everyone that I WANT TO BE LEFT THE FUCK ALONE!!! Yes, I'm feeling a little darker today, and if I had ten minutes of peace and quiet, I'd likely be able to figure it out. In the time it took me to write this alone, I've been interupted by 3 people and my cell rang twice. Ok, 4 people. 5 people.
Granted, it's work and I'm overreacting. Granted, it's 8:32 am and I'm maybe a little tired. Granted, Lesleigh has already rolled her eyes at me when I tried to talk to Justin and then proceeded to ask "what's your problem" when I didn't say good morning to her. I'm feeling a build up of energy that I can't release right now, and it's taking most of my will power to contain it. It's an interesting feeling, like force pushing out and on my chest at the same time, rising through my body and into my head, almost like a throb, but a prolonged throb.
The good thing about this mood, if I can keep it under control, if I can think before I explode, I can be extremely efficient, analytical and sharp.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

How does one soothe the tormented, tortured, exasperated spirit? I've been inspired by Sonja's afflicted soul to list my top ten ways of relaxing when I'm otherwise wound up.

Walking in the woods at night and howling my head off. As odd as it may seem, I find verbal release very soothing.
Climbing trees. I've said it before, but there really is nothing like feeling embraced in the cool branches and leaves. Sometimes howling while in a tree :)
Listening to soothing music. Loreena McKennit works well for me. He voice is soft and haunting.
Laying completely submersed in a hot bath. Add some lavender essential oil and it's just about as perfect an experience as you can get
Watching the rain from a covered patio. Ok, so it doesn't rain here often enough, but when it does, I'm usually very relxaed.
Laying on the grass watching the stars.
Closing my eyes and thinking about green fields and soft winds. Ok, corny, but it works.
Laying on the couch in silence, petting my cat. The soft purr drowns out the irritating noises in my head.
Drinking tea in the dark. Just me, silence and the smell of peppermint or camomile tea.
Thinking about old friends. I know I don't keep in contact with people very often, but I do think about them from time to time.

Feel better, my friend. :)

Chapter 3 is up

As promised. I enjoyed writing this chapter. It brought back a lot of warm memories for me about some old friends, and goblin hunting. Yes, we actually did. I'd become conviced that the woods and riverbanks near the farm were home to a tribe of goblins, since nothing I left outside at night was ever seen again. I lost a pocket knife, a pipe and several other small things over the years at the farm.

Hectic Eclectic

I had a great set of days off. I was incredibly busy, but I feel like I've accomplished so much. Let's check the list....

I'm going to finish my handwritten work on the runes this weekend

Ok, this didn't get done, but I worked on them quite a bit AND I put in motion the makings of my own rune set. I've attempted to make them before, but hopeful this time I make them work.

I'm going look through my library (my actual library, not the one in my head) and see what I have that tickles me in the way of wicca/northern gods.

I found a copy of Bucklands Complete Book of Witchcraft that I'd bought over a year ago, laying on the shelf with loose papers stuffed inside. I brought it up to camp to read, study, work from, find who stuffed it full of paper (I know it was me, I usually make strange notes and stick them in things, like some sort of treasure hunt for a future me).

I'm going to start (and hopefully finish) chapter 3 of MotM.

BWAHAHAHA!!! I'm almost done Chapter 3!!! I'll hopefully finish it today and get it up.

I'm going to start preparing for Beltane, working with the assumption that I will be in camp for it.

Ok, I didn't do this. BUT I brought Bucklands and I have access to the internet AND I'm pretty sure that the loose papers in the book have something to do with Beltane, since it was about this time last year that I looked at the book.

I'm going to plant my herbs (rosemary, peppermint and lemon balm).

This I did. I bought one of those "mini greenhouse" things, knowing that my thumb doesn't do green, so hopefully that works. If not, I've decided I'm going to try to find my herbs at the greenhouse and transplant them. I don't know why I can't grow things...

Apart from all this, I saw Julian Austin on Thursday night when I got home. He's a country singer who came to our sleepy little town, and though I don't like country music, Diane and I went to be social. All in all, it wasn't so bad. I drank, yelled "what?" a lot, watched two morons get into a fight and had some dink try to pick up my girlfriend in front of me while letting me know "that's your first problem".

Friday was a day of acupuncture and shopping. I picked up 4 of the brand new Episode III Star Wars action figures. I felt guilty for about 2.4 seconds. Oh, I love toys.

Saturday brought the Arrogant Worms to Lloydminster, so we went. It was a good show, really family oriented, but funny. For those of you unfamiliar with the Arrogant Worms, they are a musical comedy group out of Ontario, whose hits include Killer Robots from Venus, William Shakespeare's In My Cat, Mrs. Catto Loves Her Budgie, Pirates of the North Saskatchewan, etc.

Sunday, Sin City. All I can say about the movie is it was brutal. It was well done, but definitely not for the squeamish. All in all, I liked it.

Monday was tax day! Yippee!!! *insert extreme sarcasm here* I found out that I'm entitled to a refund this year, which I wasn't expecting, so it was a pleasant surprise. HOWEVER, I found out I was over paid on my 2002 return so I have to sort that out. Either the revenue Canada is going to send me a cheque and a bill or a smaller cheque.

I feel good about getting all I accomplished. I also did a bit of work around the house (hung the new light fixture and blinds in the living room). I'm also moved into my new room at camp which about twice the size of my old room. This week I plan to clean my cubical.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Weekend Wicca

Thursday morning, and I'm going home in 3-1/2 hours. I'm excited to be going, and at the same time, I feel like I'm leaving so much unfinished. I've started work on runes again this week and gave my self a soulful kick in the ass, thanks to Sonja for allowing me to reexamine some of my thoughts on spirituality. I'm in the mood to work, but I'm not going to have access to these resources. So, proposal:

I'm going to finish my handwritten work on the runes this weekend
I'm going look through my library (my actual library, not the one in my head) and see what I have that tickles me in the way of wicca/northern gods.
I'm going to start (and hopefully finish) chapter 3 of MotM.
I'm going to start preparing for Beltane, working with the assumption that I will be in camp for it.
I'm going to plant my herbs (rosemary, peppermint and lemon balm).

That should sate my thirst for the weekend. Oh, and drink beer. Mmmmm, beer.... I also, if I have time and energy, want to try making my myrrh anointing oil again. I need to find a suitable bottle though....

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

1968 Camp on Blood Island

Wednesday means home tomorrow and I have a lot to look forward to. I started moving last night, so when I get back, I'll have a new bigger room at camp. All that's left is to move my posters and my blanket. Unfortunately, I moved my tea and cup too soon. Barb stopped by tea last night and I didn't have any. But she hung out long enough to watch Napoleon Dynamite with me. For all the hype about the movie, it did have its interesting moments, its funny bits and I did watch it all the way through, but mostly it was inane. I guess the trend (thanks for nothing CBS) is to make reality the new fantasy; Let's make real life so ridiculous, people will pay to see it. If I want to watch a bunch of soulless zombies have insipid conversations about nothing, I'll go to the cafeteria. But really, the movie was ok. It was no Clerks, but I did laugh a couple of times.
April is Earth Month. That was the topic of our safety meeting this morning. Ron, our enviromental guy, is making a list of volunteers to walk the site cleaning up from the winter along the tree lines and stuff. I often pick up the garbage I find blowing around anyway, so I enthuiasticallty threw in my "I'm down." Since I've been doing some mental spring cleaning, and I've been wanting to get outside more this year, this is a great opportunity to do both.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Poem

Ozymandias
I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read,
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed,
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

-Percy Bysshe Shelley

Scattered

Tuesday morning means two things to me these days: a) I'm just getting back to work from a 4 day weekend or b) I'm going home the day after tomorrow. For me, the shift is winding down, and I've procrastinated too much this shift. So, today, after I finish this, I need to focus, get my desk organized and then I can start thinking about the 9 brand new, still-in-the-package action figures waiting for me at home.
I also want to do more work today on runes. I've drawn and written the first 7, from staying late last night, leaving 17. I need more cinnamon though. Cinnamon has corresponeces linked to knowledge, spirituality and success, and I was chewing a stick yesterday while drawing the runes. I think it helped because I actually remembered them this morning.
Beltane is coming, and by my calculations, I'll be here again. Fuck. So, there will be no fire for me this year, but I can still make an offerring at least. This will be the first year in 4 that I'll have not made a beltane fire. Maybe I'll take a couple of days off.

*Update*
The power went off and now I'm locked out of 5 of the 8 programs I use and help desk won't return my call. I'm taking this as a sign that the powers don't like the idea of me turning away from them to do any work :P

Monday, April 04, 2005

Darker Morning

I hate these days; the feeling of melancholy, the grey overcast skies, the waning moon which should be new by the time I get home, all of the energies of the world seem dank and bland. It's these days I think too much about what's wrong, where the negative aspects of everything overshadow anything positive; where I jump from being a introspective brainchild to being a deluded egomaniac.
I wouldn't even write this, but then what's the point of doing this if I don't. Why capture only the fuzzy feelings.

I've decided to turn this mood into something constructive. The premise is to learn something I don't know about divination or Norse myth. Why? Because both tend to be grey.

*Edit*
In searching for Norse myth, I came to www.tarahill.com where I found info on both myth and runes, the Norse means of magic and definition. What's better, I have for close to 15 years off and on, studied runes, but never found anything on pronunciation of them, but here she has .wav files where she pronounces them. So, I succeeded in learning something new. More so, I've taken one of my empty journals and I am making notes on her stuff to add to what I have and plan to study what she has for the next little bit.
So, though I'm still not warm and fuzzy, I've thwarted the melancholic feeling I had earlier.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

100 Things About Me

Alright Sonja, you asked for it.

I was born in Edmonton Alberta.
I like broccoli.
I have no interested in politics or money. My corruption comes from naturally occurring energies. :)
I am trying to improve.
I am a fan of Paul Simon since I saw him on the Muppet Show
I will purposely not doing something someone says I should until several months have passed. I like to do things in my own time.
I can't dance. And by can't, of course, I mean it is physically impossible for me to carry a rhythm for too long because I am always thinking about too many things.
I build repetition and routines I don't have to think about as a survival mechanism.
I currently have 3 blank journals scattered around in case I ever decide to start writing.
I wanted to be a detective when I grew up.
I tear my toys out of the packages and play with them.
I still surprise myself sometimes.
I love that I grew up poor. I have had greater adventures because I had to fend for myself.
I scared 6 people at West Edmonton Mall when walking through the aquarium I yelled "Penguins!!" when I saw the penguins.
I get frustrated easily.
I don't always follow the rules. Sometimes the rules I break are the ones that I shouldn't.
I can be vague.
I can read upside down and backwards. It's tough, but not impossible.
I don't know my limits. Given enough time and inclination, I don't think there is anything I can't do.
I exaggerate. But I'm a writer, so it's more like embellishment.
I love playing games. I don't even care if I'm any good at it.
I usually play devil's advocate. It drives people nuts, but I like to argue.
I sometimes can't control my emotions. I have actually cried watching a dog food commercial.
I have 2 cousins named Brent.
I want to build a house in the country and get a dog.
I can only remember 12 of the 24 runes off the top of my head.
I am a dabbler. I like to try different things, though I don't subscribe to any one thing.
I took a baseball bat to the forehead in grade three, just above my left eye.
I haven't talked to my sister since Christmas.
I still stand outside at night and look at the stars. Having a cigarette before bed is the perfect opportunity to do this.
I have worked in 3 Greek restaurants so far.
Of all the movie genres, horror is my favorite. Give me an axe wielding madman over Alicia Silverstone any day. Better yet, give me Alicia Silverstone AND an axe wielding madman.
I hate having to repeat myself.
I have never spent the night in hospital.
I can be callous.
Soup and grilled cheese sandwiches are my comfort food.
I am becoming more reminiscent in my old age.
I'm not concerned about my grey hairs.
Although I apologize, I regret nothing.
I believe there is more to the substance of existence than we are aware.
I have had moments of vanity.
My leather jacket is still my armor :)
I like my pizza with fresh tomatoes.
I wanted to be an archeologist when I grew up.
I think people think I'm more annoying than intriguing.
When I disagree with people I don't know, I tend to keep quiet now.
I watched Return of the Jedi for the 4 millionth time last night, and I still find the movie as engrossing as the first time I'd seen it.
Superman, with Chris Reeves, was the first movie I've seen in a theatre.
I want to have a viking burial when I die.
I can't say I have a favorite movie, but the one I still go out of my way to watch is Clue. Tim Curry cracks me up =D
I am currently listening to Master of Puppets, which I think is by far the best Metallica album.
To me, flanges and nipples are not obscene, they are pipe fittings.
I have the capacity to be sick and twisted.
I prefer baths to showers.
I have attempted 3 herb gardens so far without success, and will attempt a 4th this year.
I have very few friends, but lots of acquaintances.
I believe my offering helped make the weather milder here :)
My parents have never been to my house.
I love climbing trees.
I'm beginning to discover 100 is a large number.
I drive a 2000 Chrysler Intrepid.
I fell off the roof at a friend's place last summer trying to show him how easy it was to get in the upstairs window.
I am not afraid to be honest.
I will lie to avoid long, drawn out, pointless conversations.
I never finished PhysEd in high school. I got out of taking it in Sardis because I had taken Outdoor Education in Edson before I moved.
I have howled at the moon on several occasions.
I am impressionable.
I will do something if I tell you I will.
I have two tattoos: 2 ravens on my stomach and a green dragon with folded wings on my back.
Traditional Ale is my favorite beer.
I wear steel toe boots more than sneakers these days.
I think fluorescent lights are making me blind.
I invent conspiracies to confuse the people around me (eg. "Stay away from the mashed potatoes, they put salt peter in them. That's why they taste like medicine.")
My favorite quote is "I know that I know nothing".
I hate people who "finger point". People who blame everyone else for their problems irritate the hell out of me.
I have no moral objections to veal or lamb. In fact, I think both are quite tasty.
I have recurring nightmares about being trapped in a big old house while zombies try to get in.
I wanted to be a teacher once.
I am a 3 time published poet, even though it was in not so reputable anthologies.
I am generous with the stuff I have.
I don't use blue pens. I have a weird superstition thing about them that even I don't understand.
I avoid Starbucks when I can. The last time I was accidentally in one because it was attached to Chapters and I didn't notice.
I try to never raise my voice.
I eat my steak rare.
I'm looking forward to camping this year.
I am more open to people than I have been at any other point in my life.
I think about opening my own pub sometimes.
I worked in a butcher shop when I was 16. The smell was overwhelming.
A horse kicked me in the head when I was 2. This leads me to the conclusion that I am somewhat indestructible.
I feel that I have a sense of purpose.
I'm bothered that comics are becoming "trendy" again. It's the reason I stopped collecting the first time.
I wear a black hard hat when I go outside at work.
I thought Shaun of the Dead was hilarious.
I don't "surf the 'net" unless there is something specific I'm looking for.
I officially got tired of corn flakes for breakfast this morning. I think I'll just go back to black coffee.
I wanted to be a scientist when I grew up.
I liked Deep Space 9 best of all the Star Trek series.
"And this gray spirit yearning in desire to follow knowledge like a sinking star, beyond the utmost bound of human thought" somehow sums me up.
I sometimes try to do handstands just to see if I learned how while I wasn't looking.
I was mad when I finally found my Hawekeye action figure and broke his leg off trying to get him out of the package.

Late Night Conversations in the Head

I was sitting in my room last night, thinking about everything that happened yesterday and I decided I owe everyone an apology. I made the comment that all blogs are important and everyone can learn from one another and then I went to someone's blog and posted a comment without thinking. What's worse, I made fun of that person in my own comments blog.

Trynn sat stubbornly at the table, looking down into his tea. Tolerran sat on his left looking guilty, upset at the events as they unfolded. Tali and Brant stood opposite the table, back to the fireplace casting long, imposing shadows across the table. "You have to fix it, Trynn," Brant said sternly.
"I was only trying to be 'funny'," Trynn replied, dourly. "It was you two that wanted me to spend more time with Tol."
"I'm sorry, Trynn, but we don't behave like this anymore. I applaud your attempt at humour, but not at the expense of someone else. Fix it." Tali only stared down at the elf, sitting hunched and haggard, still staring into his tea, refusing to make eye contact.

So, Fiona, my apologies. Realize I was out of line and hope this incident brings no bad blood between us. If inclined, you can find Fiona at http://creative-living.blogspot.com/

Saturday, April 02, 2005

And Now, A Message From Our Sponsor

My good friend Sonja, over at Aradia, did a post this morning about blogging and being cool. She commented that "according to the real journalists and more elite bloggers, sharing personal information is not cool", so I thought, for the sake of having never been cool, I'd list twelve tidbits of personal info.

I love cartoons. I don't even really care if it's a good cartoon, if it's animated and on TV, I'll stop to watch it.
I love curling up on the couch with my cat and falling asleep watching boring movies. Anyone seen Insomnia with Al Pacino and Robin Williams? I've fallen asleep everytime I've tried to watch that movie. Insomnia my ass.
I broke my thumb in 1999 and it is crooked, but I feel it gives me an advantage playing Nintendo.
I currently 1 dram of Myrrh oil in my closet at camp.
I have tried to hypnotize myself in a mirror.
I don't understand the precepts of Satanism.
I am not working my dream job, but I'm damn good at what I do.
I am not "hooked on phonics". I am no spelling bee champion, but I will make the attempt to look up a word I don't know. Likewise, "U R 2 dmb 4 me" pisses me off.
I'm proud of my accomplishments. Hell, the fact that I'm still alive amazes me most days.
I've had stitches in my head 6 times that I can remember.
I drink peppermint tea regularly.
I don't give a fuck who thinks I'm cool.

There is no bad writing. Any artistic endeavors is worthwhile because people can learn from one another. My perception is different than yours and I'm curious to learn about how you see things. It makes us better. But being narrow minded, short sighted and ignorant will only result in me getting mad and either trying really hard not to headbutt you or tell you "you're fucked" while walking away.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Chapter 2 is UP

I'm finding the more I dig into the past, the easier it is to understand what I didn't understand before. That is, though I didn't identify the people here, they were there. I've always had arguements in my head, arguing one side and then the other, and it was interesting to revisit some of them here, from the point of view of the characters.
I've also never had such a craving for a cigarette in the passed year.
So, ummm, yeah.... chapter 2 is up.

April Fools

I've never really celebrated this day. I've always looked at it as a time for everyone else to get me back for the shenanigans I've pulled the rest of the year. I'm curious about the potential of the group around here. I haven't worked with these people very long (coming up on 8 months), so I think their true potential may come through here. On the other hand, I could be completely wrong.
I'm still in a mood today, but I found the outlet for it: Black Sabbath. It's been a while since I've actually felt the music, really listened to it and let it vibrate inside me. Now, it should be noted at this point that I'm not listening to pre-'79 Sabbath, but the hard vocalled, ass kicking 1981's The Mob Rules. Dio resonates in me. The music of the band, at this time more than any other, can together. The package was complete. Now before all you narrow minded people start throwing tomatoes at me, listen to the album. The band became technical, and the could find their lead singer. Iomi and Dio compliment each other well in a dark, hard rock way.

Kill the spirit and you'll be blinded, the end is always the same;
Play with fire, you burn your fingers and lose your hold of the flame.

Today is going to be a good day.

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