White Stripes Wednesday
I love pattern and routine. I'm usually working on ways to perfect and tweak the daily stuff I do, like my morning rituals, the events I practise from day to day and then overall way I go about things. About the only thing I like better than finding the routine that allows me to examine the patterns of my life if shrugging them altogether and creating new patterns. I do this quite a bit, what with the changes I go through on a constant basis. I get bored and frustrated fairly easily, I think and a way for me to combat that is to change and rediscover some previously unknown quality.
Just a thought.
I'm a little sleepy today. I was dreaming last night about space pirates, and hiring people and fighting the space pirates, trying to steal messages and parts from their ship to repair my own. The dream was very much a video game, except the samurai dude who was chasing me with the axe. The only reason he really stood out was because of when I took the axe from him and hacked at him trying to cut his head off. It was pretty grim. What else...? Oh, there were little "subtitles" that were trying to show the button combos I needed to perform. Maybe I've been away from my xbox too long, since I haven't actually sat down to play anything for a long time. I really should get back and finish Final Fantasy X, since I'm so friggin' close to the end.
I could go for a nap....
Spring Cleaning
Another fun-filled, action-packed weekend down. I went to the terapists on thursday, after picking up my latest shipment of comics from Denver. I got some newer Spider-man, Walking Dead back issues and a couple of graphic novels I picked up for Billy. The therapist and I talked about responsibility and me. I referenced Star Trek, Spider-man and Speed all in the span of an hour. It was a good laugh and more or less what it boiled down to was that I have to start reigning myself in as far as taking responisibility for other peoples' shit. I can be supportive, directional and helpful, but I don't have to feel responsible for everything. More or less I have to let go of the wheel at some point and remember the prime directive.
I slept almost all day on friday. The cats took turns laying with me on the couch while I dozed through bad movies and daytime tv. Then I was in bed by 10pm and asleep again before too long. Saturday found us on the road for Leduc and dinner and drinks with some old friends from Fort McMurray. We had a good time, but it was reitterated to me that I can't drink alot anymore. I didn't get sick or anything, but I was pretty buzzed from the few beers I drank. All in all it was a good time.
Sunday we went to the comic store and future shop, where I looked in vain for a copy of Fletch. I don't know why the movie is so difficult to find. Then we went to Costco, where I picked up an external hard drive to back up my mac. With the exception of Fletch, I did find the Led Zepplin albums (I and II) that I was looking for. Then we headed home, relaxed and had a breather.
Monday was busy. I went to get my prescription refilled, went to the bank, got keys cut and meandered my way back to Cold Lake. When I arrived, things seemed off. There was snow in the driveway, indicating no recent driveway activity, and the house was a little jumbled. Upon investigation, I discovered that Sonja had moved out. Mixed feelings, that. Then I phoned Barb who told me that Darren (the new roommate) was also not coming back. I decided to make the best of it (since I was now out all kinds of money for carrying the bills) and moved into the large master bedroom. I know have alot of space and I'm much happier with my space.
Today has been more or less uneventful. We've hired a receiver finally, and another one is to start on friday, so once I get people trained and tweak my system, things should start moving a little more smoothly.
New people, new spaces, new comics and new outlooks.
How Much Is That Doggie in the Window
So, I was having this kooky dream last night. I don't remeber whole chunks of it, but I know Billy was taking me for a tour of some mall, where he told the propriator of an antique store that he was a dog breeder and was giving me a tour because I was a client from out of town. A lie, of course, because though in the dream he
was a dog breeder (though he had no dogs), I wasn't a client or from out of town. Anyway, I ended up at a used bookstore where I knocked over a whole rack of books and then somehow at a highschool theatre, where they were showing some sci-fi movie and I decided to go out for a walk. I ended up on a balcony, watching people walk around on the roof, and thinking to myself how defensible it would be in case of a zombie attack, so I spent almost the rest of the time trying to get up there.
Yup, it had everything. Zombies (at least the threat of zombies), climbing, secret passages, dogs, books and the kind of adventure that could only appeal to me.
In other news, the furnace at work is making horrible sounds. I mentioned to the temp safety guy that I was concerned for my safety. "That's distinctly the sound of the fabric of reality being torn apart and a portal to hell opening. Seriously, shouldn't that be a concern for safety?"
To which he replied, "yeah, that's annoying."
So that's that then. Today is "half-off thursday", which means I'm out of here early and I have an appointment with my therapist today. What, I wonder, are we going to talk about today. I usually blank a day before I go. Defenses again, perhaps. It wouldn't be the first time I couldn't think of anything to talk about when I had something to say.
**Edit**
It is 11:27am and after contemplating what to talk about and thinking there really is nothing I want to discuss, I checked my email and found my daily horoscope waiting for me:
Dear Trent,
Here is your horoscopefor Thursday, February 22:
When you learn to serve your higher purpose, your outward success will manifest itself. And achievement under those kinds of circumstances is the best and most lasting kind. Keep reaching for your inner truth.
Two Fisted
Uggh. I'm groggy today. I stayed up too late last night, and today I'm pretty beat. We are going for lunch and a new orientation at 11:30, so the big meal and the room filled with an estimated 200 people, plus the after dinner lecture should be just enough to slip me into a coma. About that only way to head it off is to drink a constant supply of coffee and avoid sugar. Sugar's the killer for me.
Tonight is game night with Billy. I'm grabbing dinner from town tonight and heading out there to play some xbox. We haven't gotten together to play games for a long time. Mostly on account of I have a terribly small tv to play on at my place, and usually by the time we fix supper and eat it's too late to do it at his place. I have to work on him to get a place in town. Or move out there. All to hang out and play games. We all have to have goals, right?
So that's more or less it. I'm not very ambitious or motivated, and I don't care. It's awesome.
F'shizzle My H'izzle
I hurt myself somehow either yesterday or last night while I was sleeping. When I got up this morning, my shoulder was sore. Achy enough that I had a hard time washing my hair in the shower this morning. Since then I've been more or less having a good day. I'm a little short on patience though. So I thought now was a good time to kick it into Hulk.
That's right, Hulk's rockin' the mic. Hulk bustin' mad Hulk-rhymes.
More After These Messages
I've been missing the last couple of days, I know. To tell the truth, I've been a little busy and I needed a break after the hourly updates. So the last couple of days I've been all over, both emotionally and physically. The night before last I prepped supper for last night when Diane finally met the roommates. It was awesome. Everything was so relaxed and delicious. I made cannelloni and spinach salad with some nice wine. Barb and Diane hit it off too, which was great. I knew they would.
So here we are, sunday morning. I woke up with Metallica in my head. Bastards. So I've taken up arms against it with the Gorillaz. That and Hulk is gang signing me on my desk. I think we're going to end up fighting for the two oreos between us. Normally I'd be willing to share, but he looks a little selfish.
Anyway, it's going to be another long day. But we're coming up on just better than 4 weeks until Vegas. Houdini's Magic Shop won't know what hit them.
Yeah, I Got Nothin'
Friday, friday. What have I got today?
I'm checking out The Distillers for the first time. As with most of the music recommended to me by Billy, I dig it. I really like the strong female voice, and the simple punk band. Good shit, when you're working.
Diane has decided she is going to come up tomorrow, which is awesome. So I'm planning to make supper for us (and the roommates) and have a nice evening in.
Billy's overdosed on oreos.
I'm having a "I'd rather be at home reading comics" day. I'm inspired to sit on the couch and catch up on back issues of Spider-man that I have and the Avengers. Somehow getting paid to be here seems more important though. Oh well. I'm two steps from creativity, so I'm just going to revel in it for a bit. Apart from that, I'm feeling pretty unambitious today. Tonight will be a quick trip to get groceries, and then home for a movie and probably start bagging the bazillion books I've been putting of for almost a month.
Ever Wonder....?
I was thinking again last night, about how I translate what's going on in my life to what gets printed here. Generally my posts are pretty much a snapshot of what was going on, or what was in my head at the time. So today I decided to try a little experiment. I want to do an hour by hour up date on what exactly is going on during the times that I'm not losing my mind. So, let's get started....
5:20am-6:00amI was dreaming about work when my alarm went off. I don't know what was going on exactly, but the job had jut started, we were moving in mods and kids were riding bikes across the lease. Then my alarm went off and I hit snooze. I dozed for a bit, thinking about Pan's Labyrinth, which is playing in the theatre, and which Billy saw on the weekend in Texas. His version was in spanish, which made me wonder if the version up here is also... then my alarm went off again. I got up, had a shower and got dressed after sorting my clothes from my laundry hamper that I washed on monday onto my bed, and the dirty ones from the floor into the hamper. I decided I need to clean my room tonight. Then I came downstairs, checked penny arcade and the ISB, and decided to blog. So, here we are, 6:00am, starting hour two of this catastrophe.
6:00am-7:00amI sat on the couch and tried not to go back to sleep for the next ten minutes. Barb played with the cat and I yawned more than once. We piled in the van then and drove around to pick everyone else up. The ride in is usually a time for me to catch up on some sleep, but I drive one of the vans now, so it's almost completely out of the question now. So, I get us safely to site, take off my coat and rinse out my mug and pour myself a cup of coffee. Sat down here, logged into my computer, email and messenger, chatted with Billy about anime and started posting hour#2.
What thrills await us between seven and eight??
7:00am-8:00amHectic, as usual first thing in the morning. I've set up my second computer and shuffled through the obligatory first six random songs until I found something I hadn't heard for a long time that I was sort of in the mood for. Then I started entering receipts from yesterday, wrote and reconciled a few purchase orders (that will carry over into our next hour) and did a pile of photocopying. Oh, and I also kicked 4 people out of my office already, individually. I have a steady stream of people in here these days, and though I no longer get frustrated and fly off the handle, it's still fun to good naturedly tell them to fuck right off. Not so oddly, I have been busy enough that I'm still working on my first cup of coffee.
8:00am-9:00amCrazy busy. Everyone comes in at the same time and asked to have their requests moved to the top of the pile. Huh. So, all of them are now the top and the pile looks like a field of paper. I finished my first coffee some 45 minutes ago, but haven't gotten around to getting up for a refill. I got an email from Karnie and we're chatting about Valentine's day, also I'm chatting with Jen. She's looking for a phone number for environmental services. My music is no longer on random, either. I'm listening to Coheed and Cambria, a cool band that I got from Billy. I've listened to the quite a little bit, and find the almost random music style similar to the early days of Moist, but harder somehow. Interesting stuff, I know.
9:00am-10:00amLet's see. Diane and I discussed Telus' plan to subvert telecommunications by stealing her emails, and Karnie and I are talking about the leading cause of divorce: bad valentine's day gifts. Apparently while she was working at wal*mart, guys would show up on the day and buy jewelry based on what was expensive rather than what suited the lady in question. Apparently, shopping for lingerie is the same story, regardless of the size. Kooky. Then I finally got a coffee and a smoke, only to be bombarded again.
Coming up next: Trent prices out a table saw.
10:00am-11:00amAlso known as the Adventures of IncrediTrent, according to Amy. She wrote in an email this morning that me throwing myself out of bed was a pretty normal thing since people tend to be superheroes in their dreams. I gently reminded her that I'm always super. This can only be surpassed by conversation with Karnie about tomatoes vs. potatoes, and plans for her birthday which falls on next days off. Diane is talking about coming to visit me in Cold Lake this weekend and I'm going for dinner tonight with Jen. On the work side, I'm still listening to Coheed and Cambria (most of it is live which kicks ass), and still throwing paper around on my desk. Billy and I were talking about just throwing it in my "Fireking25" filing cabinet and lighting the whole works up. Let's see, I still have a couple of minutes left.... Oh, and I have to phone the post office today, to find out why my mail key doesn't work AGAIN. Terribly frustrating, that bit.
11:00am-12:00pmWell, gmail is also being stupid, it seems. So conversations for the most part are on the back burner for a bit. On the other hand, not being distracted by all the people I talk to has given me time to really procrastinate working. I've still been tracking material and printing tickets and back orders, but my enthusiasm is sure waning. The internet connection got really, really slow suddenly. I can’t access anything, which was pissing me off, but now it’s lunch time, so I have more important things to do. I suspect the pace for the rest of the afternoon will be a little more relaxed and will feature a visit or two to Billy.
12:00pm-1:00pmWell, that was about the most uneventful part of the day. I took my ibook over to see Billy and he wasn't there. I sat there for a few minutes, texted him to see where he was at and then came back. I then sat back down, considered working, did some photocopying and then played two games of spider solitaire. Billy sent me a message to let me know he need my password, and I've been more or less sitting here since. I answered a few material related questions too. It's quiet without music in here though, and as I told Billy, makes it harder to ignore people.
On the brightside, it's getting really nice out. It gives me hope of spring since the last week has been in and around the -30c temperature.
1:00pm-2:00pmAlrighty, now we're getting somewhere. I solved the problem of the mailbox. Turns out they did change the lock again by mistake. But it has been fixed, I guess, and I should be able to check the post again. Further, Billy brought my ibook back and I'm listening to Rilo Kiley for the next little bit. Again, oddly interesting music from Billy. There was other stuff, but I have an incredibly short memory when I try to think of things that I thought were good ideas twenty minutes ago. I wish this thing could just translate my thoughts right to the screen. Fuck, that'd be a show and a half. I'm almost doing more work, but also losing all sense of ambition the nicer it gets outside and the more people come in to ask questions.
Maybe it's the mellow music...
2:00pm-3:00pmSo what happened just then? The last hour was a bit of a blur and keeping up is getting kinda hectic. Still, it's all for a good cause. Diane and I talked a little about Canada Post and telus being in cahoots to subvert communications, after I told her what happened with the mail key. Then I more or less worked like a mad man for the rest of the hour. On the brightside (because I'm all about brightsides) the day is going very fast. It'll be just a few more hours and I'm out of here. Now I'm back to Coheed and Cambria, musically.
3:00pm-4:00pmBarb walked into my office just now (3:16pm) and said, "we should get another cat." Yup, she's crossed the line into that crazy-cat lady territory I suspected she has been headed for since we brought Lexxy home. Diane got a kick out of it. I suspected she would, because that's how we always end up with more than one cat. The logic is that one cat is lonely on it's own. The truth is, two cats will sleep in seperate places and ignore each other just as well as one cat ignores everyone else. Apart from that, I've had people come in here hovering. I hate that. I have more important things to do than listen to people argue about seperate stuff while standing behind me. So I kicked two more people out of my office today. So another hour comes to a close, two more to go.
4:00pm-5:00pmThe cat debate continues. And I'm getting tired. I usually power out about this time everyday. So tonight, I'm planning on dinner with Jen, maybe cleaning my room and getting my new mail keys. I'm out of coffee. I keep putting my empty cup to my lips and tipping it back, but I don't really want to get another one. Billy and I are chatting now about Captain Herlock, and anime series he lent me last night. And now he's sending links and pictures. He's apparently as worn out and unmotivated as I am. Well, I'm setting a goal of 7 more tickets before it's home time, which shouldn't be too hard.
5:00pm-6:00pmOk, so time's running out. It's 5:36pm and I'm already looking at packing up. On the other hand, I still have to run out and start the van for the ride home and pack up my ibook and stuff. I'm planning on bringing my computer out with me tonight, so that even though I don't have internet, I'll still be able to keep up with the updates and publish them all tonight. As for the tickets, I ran into a stack of long ones since last update, and only got 5 more entered.
Oh, and I remember what I thought of that I didn't post earlier that I was thinking about; keys. For some reason keys seem to be repelled by me these days. I don't know if it means anything. I'll have to give it a good going over.
6:00pm-7:00pmThe drive home pretty unrearkable. No one talks in our van, so I zoned out and listened to the radio for a bit. I got home safely, put my clothes away (which DOES count as cleaning my room) and got the mail keys!! Then I talked to Diane briefly while she was getting ready to go out for dinner with her family. Now I'm hanging out, waiting for Jen to get off the phone. My mood is relaxed, and somewhat subdued. It's a result of being bombarded today by all the people who have been hanging out in my office. jen's probably really curious what exactly it is I'm writing about, so I'll have to explain this little effort of mine. But here we go, into the first of the off hours...
7:00pm-8:00pmWhat is awesome? Cottage cheese and salsa?!?! GROSS!!! I HATE Cottage cheese. Almost as much as brussel sprouts. Anyway, here were are, about to have supper, working on a beer, and just chit chatting. Jen apparently thinks cottage cheese and salsa is a taste sensation.
8:00pm-9:00pmWe've been discussing all kinds of stuff. Work mostly. I tend to get kinda selfish when it comes to work. The truth is, I hate mistakes. I don't trust people, because I believe that they will sluff responsibility to point the finger at someone else. I take responsibity for everything because I believe that I could have prevented everything that comes back to me. Therefore I am reluctant to let things out of my control. I assumed responsibilty for 5 departments, and therefore control each to the minutest detail. Point is, I'm watching something about thumbsucking while debating my own drives. Jen is bored out of her mind.
9:00pm-10:00pmWell, we had BP's and chat about this and that will I kinda half assed watch a movie called "Thumbsucker". It was interesting, but the end was kinda pathetic. Anyway, I left there, Jen dieing of boredom, and came home. I've put in Captain Herlock and play to fall asleep watching it.
Thanks for hanging out.
I'm A Soul Man
So, something that interests me....
Diane told me on sunday that I was sleeping restlessly.
Not a big deal; she asked if I was having odd dreams, because I was clawing her and moaning, grinding my teeth and flailing around. "No," I said, "I don't think so." Actually, it occurred to me, I haven't been able to remember any more than the vaguest details about any of my dreams since I started taking the pills. I was told, and completely understand, that they are going to take time to adjust to my chemestry. That there will be a period of adjustment where I get used to "not being depressed".
I'm not sure they're working, and here's why:
I start off by suspecting the pills to begin with. With what I went through (and I'm not "boo hooing"), seeing what mediction did to Jeff, I was never keen on it. He said that they make you think you're crazy by doping you up and showing you "happy" (ok, I'm paraphrasing, I'm writing this shit, sit back and enjoy). That they brainwash you to accept their reality enough that you forget your own. I've always approached this as "my common sense". I don't always abide by it, in fact hardly ever. Some other part of me tries to give everything a try. Learn by doing something new. So, after gentle suggestion from my therapist, I freely decided to give it a go, to try medication to decide whether or not it can help me. I mean, I'm not crazy. I'm not schitzophrenic, like Jeff was, and as much as I like to remember the good things about the times we hung out, there were times when I was truly scared.
Anyway, I'm digressing. Point is, I've been on the pills three weeks, this coming friday. How do I feel...?
My jaw has been sore for a while, because apparently, I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep. That's actually nothing new, I've know for a while that I do it, I've just never been this sore. Last night while sleeping, I kicked myself out of bed. I put my feet against the wall and pushed myself out of bed. That got me thinking....
I know that in my head, I'm still impatient with people at work. I usually react to them in the way that is not only civil, is sometimes down right cheerful. That's not how I think, but it's how I feel. So maybe the meds just aren't right. Maybe I'm just storing shit up and not venting consciously anymore. Instead, it's coming out while I sleep. Is that better?
Maybe it's just that I'm paranoid. Maybe I'm resisting my efforts to change. I know there is a change in me somewhere. But I always set up the opportunity to change to fail, in a sense. Some other part of me seems to know that something is off and crashes the whole plan.
Maybe that means that I need some other meds.
Maybe some part of me knows I'm better off leaving it alone.
Secret Identity
And here comes the weekend. I'm looking forward to sleeping in, watching movies and just being as lazy as possible. Between the two of us, Diane and I have accumulated enough movies for the weekend that we shouldn't have to move from the couch until sometime late sunday night.
I've been thinking about working on my massive collection of action figures this weekend too. I've been sort of putting it off for the last while, trying to sort out teams, villans, settings etc. Anyway, last night I had an idea about Tony, Steve and the team taking on Ultron in a warehouse. I had ideas about traps, about using clear, coloured sheets to simulate electrical bolts and stuff, even on how to construct the building itself. Unfortunately, there is no room on my current scene for something that grand. So, I'll have to start a second one.
Now, do I abandon the park for warehouse? Or should I finish the one I've started. I'm thinking the park scene with X-Men vs. Magento and the Brotherhood at one end and Spidey and the Sinister Six (in various incarnations) at the other.... I'll have to take my camera home this weekend and make some preliminary shots.
Meeting with the therapist today, for the first time since I started the pills. I've been debating whether or not to stay on them. I might have a clearer idea after we talk today.
Scratchy Things
Billy, Joe and I went out last night. Billy's on his way to Texas this weekend for Roni's birthday, so he had to come to town to pick up some things for the trip: a birthday card featuring Yosemite Sam, a gift bag with a pop-out monkey and 2 plastic brontosauruses. Anyway, between running around the toy isles and making fun of the giant Superman card, Joe decided we were too much to handle and split. There, I picked up 2 007 movies (Thunderball and Goldfinger) and a dvd of Village of the Damned and Children of the Damned. Double feature old-time horror movies. I ask you, what's better?
I've actually been looking at alot of older horror movies lately. Going back, in a sense, to the roots, the original stories that once scared the hell out of people. Back before the concepts became bastardized, before the high budget remakes that let the story slide in lieu of special effects.
Anyways, from there we went to the dollar store to get the required plastic dinos (that even roared when you pressed the tail) and opted for oriental for supper. Granted, it was almost 8pm by the time we got to the restaurant, but the waiter was just rude. He wanted us to sit somewhere else and kept telling us to go to the buffet. Well, none of us wanted to sit with the other people, and we wanted menus. A long time later, we got our food, talked about crazy dingos and treasure humping, before I was finally dropped off at home again and went to bed.
I'm energetic today. Almost buzzy. I can't wait for this time tomorrow. Even though I have to stay in Cold Lake for the rest of the afternoon before I get to go home, it'll be nice to get some time off.
Hopefully the new mail keys are in today.....
Today's Tune:
was actually Horrorpops again. It really is a catchy song. :)
Sifting
My mind is muddy today, like when you step down in a lake and the silt rushes up to obscure your foot in the water. This isn't a new feeling, I get it all the time. It's one of the most frustrating things about me, I think. Because, like your foot down in the muddy lake bed, the more you move it and try to clear it up, the muddier it gets and the longer it takes to settle. The trick then becomes standing still, on one foot while holding up the obscured one until the water settles. Or just step out of the lake altogether.
Can you tell I'm ready for winter to be finished?
So, the shift is going fast, as is the year already. It seems like everything is on fast-forward. I seem to be way busier at work and otherwise. Busy enough that I'm easily distracted from writing, in any case.
Today's Tune:
Freaks In Uniform by The Horrorpops:
In it for the thrill It's got it's own will You can go "Na-Na-Na-Na" yourself Can't keep it clean, It's a live pinball machine You can go "Na-Na-Na-Na" yourselfIt's a catchy tune....
Sudden Endless Energy
I spent a bit of my time last night hunting throught the snowbanks and inquiring at businesses looking for my keys last night. Nothing. Diane did surprise me though by driving up to drop off my spare jeep key. I was atleast able to move it away from the bar and now I won't be stranded.
I'm tired this morning, physically. My body feels weak, and shakey. It's probably just from all the walking I did yesterday. I've gotten pretty lazy, I think. Not that I'm about to go out and start jogging or anything. In my defense, I will say as much as I like winter and the snow and cold, I do prefer to be inside and sleeping through it.
I was dreaming this morning, vividly. I don't remeber what it was I dreamt, but I could still feel it when I woke up; the emotional state I was in the dream was still with me, kinda like when you wake up angry, but it was a peaceful sort of thing instead.
Yup, tired....
Today's Tune:
Nothing to Say by Bedouin Soundclash
My name is Bilboka(ohhh)
my name is Elowen(ohhh)
down in the market place
I came to hear this man say (ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh)
he had, nothing to say,(X8)
...kinda like coming here everyday.
Cyclops Rock
Well, I'm having a pretty shitty day. Last night, Darren (the new guy) and I went out for a beer after supper. He's new to Cold Lake, and I figured, since he's a smoker, that he might like to know that the pub a few blocks down from our house caters to smokers. And sinde it was fuckin' cold outside, I decided to drive my jeep there. And so, a couple of beers later, we decided it was time to get home, and I decided it would be in my best interest to walk, and because I live at the top of a very, very slippery slope (yeah, I know), I fell down. More than once. In any case, by the time we got back to the house, I noticed I didn't have my keys.
Yup. Somewhere along the way, I'd lost my keys. Now, they may still be in the bar, but I know for certain they aren't in my jeep. Know how I know? I walked there, this morning at 5:30am, and back, digging in the snow and retracing my steps.
On the brightside, my jeep is still there.
Today's Tune:
Cyclops Rock by They Might Be Giants (I don't know why, the tune is just stuck in my head)
I'm sickLike Chucky was sickMy defeated heart keeps beating onI won't dieLike Chucky won't dieBut I'm not here to socializeGotta find a new place to hang out'Cause I'm tired of living in Hell.Well, maybe it resonates with me a little....
Hamster Wheel
There was something up there, about acceptance and my nature to both crave and resist it. I guess it's because I've always felt "different" than the people around me, especially family. I had the odd friend here and there who I thought had some understanding of who I am. But then I throw them a curve, I change, I evolve into something similar, but changed. Then I get alienated again and start over, searching for understanding, for acceptance. It's like walking in small circles. I've had my moments of craving family, of wanting to be near people that are like me, but I seem to go to extremes to be different from them. I bend to be nearer to what people want me to be, and then I pull away in the opposite direction, like a pulled spring.
Or something like that. Just an idea I had last night when I was driving in the moonlight.
I slept, for the first time in over a week, straight through the night, last night. I didn't once wake up until my alarm went off. I thought it noteworthy, because I suspect that means that I'm adjusting to the pills, and because even on a good night, I usually wake up 3 or 4 times to look at the clock. On the other hand, I'm not feeling nearly as robotic as my writing seems. Writing used to be a tool for me to slow my mind down enough to catch up with and explore my thoughts. Have I surpassed that somehow? Is my mind slower now? Am I just being paranoid and hypersensitive to the pills because I was afraid of something similar happening when I started taking the pills? Or is this still my adjusting to the pills? I was told to be patient, to give them time to build up in my system. And it has only been a week. What am I even hoping these are going to do for me?
Interesting. This is the first hint that I still have a sense of duality since I started. The willingness to do this to get answers, to have a workable solution and the outrage, the fear of what it's doing to me; the willingness to write the experience of as "unnecessary". Trynn's kicking at the bubble.
And then it goes around again, the circle starts and my nature changes...
Some Days...
No post yesterday on account of unconciousness. I slept, literally, all day yesterday. The combination of sleeplessness, a nasty cold and pills that have been rearranging my head finally caught up to me and I took the day of to sleep for a solid 18hrs. It was beautiful.
On all fronts, things are pretty good. I'm starting to feel things again, I'm less ambivalent. Moreover, I've been able to see a darker side of things again. I've noticed though that what I think and how I act are almost always different. I'm more chipper, relaxed and easy when outwardly expressing myself (talking, for example) but writing and contemplating let me explore a more serious nature. It's sort of interesting really.
But yeah, that's really all I've got today, I think. I woke up with The Doors in my head:
"Oh show me the way to the next whiskey bar;
Oh don't ask why,
Oh don't ask why."
