Dark Embrace
The other night I remembered the good thing about being here. Winter this year has taken its toll on me. I don’t know what it was this year, but something made me despondent, lethargic and depressed. Winter isn’t over yet, but this week’s single digit positive degree weather, the waxing moon and clear night skies have found me sitting outside on the back step of the trailer staring out at the tree line and watching the stars wink lazily to life in the darkening sky. It’s a ritual I had when I was here the first time, but now my view of the trees is unobstructed. I missed being outside. And sometimes, not too far away, I hear a coyote howling.
I’m putting together a book of trees. I have a handmade photo album that Shelley brought me from Mexico that I’ve decided to use for this purpose. There are particular trees that I plan to take picture of at different times of the year and paste leaves from the trees.
I’m feeling fairly creative today, but I don’t have an outlet for it. I think I want to write, and even have an idea for a poem, but I haven’t found the line to start. A lot of people tell me “just write, it’ll come,” but it doesn’t always work. If I find the opening, the first line, I’ll have the tempo and mood for the poem. This one’s going to be long so I’m being patient with it.
I am:
Almost done KOTOR II!! The end is near, I can feel it.
Reading nothing in particular.
Contemplating dark things lately.
4:33am
First nigh back, and as usual, I can't sleep. It's almost always the same. So I decided this morning instead of laying in bed, trying to force myself back into unconsciousness, listening to my neighbor snore, I'd make myself some coffee, have a shower and enjoy having the internet in my room.
The weekend was interesting, in a lazy sort of way. It should be noted that on sunday morning there was 14" of snow on the ground. Fresh snow. It was beautiful.
Over the River...
So, I'm confused and a little concerned. For some reason I can't link to my other blogs, or anyone else's for that matter. There is some serious bad blog juju going on. I'm going to try a duifferent network at home (because I need to download Firefox for this network, I'm told) and see if that makes a difference.
Home day!! Marty is going to ride with me as far as the Fort McMurray airport and then it's straight south until I get home. No really big plans this weekend, other than Lloydminster for socks, and maybe having my taxes done. I'm looking forward to getting there though.
The Day Before
I’m feeling pensive and weary today. It’s Wednesday, so tomorrow I get to drive home. I have been back here 9 days…
So far since I moved into the new room, my neighbors on either side haven’t been around. Likely on days off or something. This morning I was pulled from sleep by the sound of snoring. Turns out the guy next to me is back. I’ll have to be more conscious of noise now, but it won’t taker long for me to adjust.
I want to go to Lloydminster this weekend with Diane. She has a bit of shopping to do, and I need socks. Yep, a new pack of white socks.
I’m looking forward to having internet back in my room tonight. Then I can work myself back into a schedule of writing. I’ve been lazy lately. Stuff in my head, but nothing I’m putting out.
Brant slammed his fist on the table, his face reddening, his right eye twitched. “Get me a sword.” Lan stood beside him, his hackles up, snarling.
“Both of you,” Xanth said, standing up from his chair across from Brant, “calm down. There’s no need to overreact. Brant, sit down, take a breath and relax.”
“Don’t tell me to relax!” Brant’s voice rose, booming through the room. Lan had taken to pacing the length of floor, staring out door where Trynn was standing quietly, his arms crossed. “Get me a sword and I’ll cut the bastard’s black heart out.” Brant sneered, his hands curling and uncurling. Inaction made him tense, which only compounded when there was something to be done. He felt caged.
“Be rational,” Trynn counseled softly from the door. His raspy whisper commanded attention from the small gathering. “If we move against the troll, we open ourselves to attack from all of the other trolls. We aren’t equipped for war.”
There was a tense silence as Brant eyed the elf at the door. Trynn stood unflinching. Finally, the colour left Brant’s face as he sung back into his chair, his arms hanging limp. Lan sat too, but still snarled at the unseen enemy passed the doorway.
Spotted
Yesterday another person on site "accindentally" linked to my blog. I'm still not sure how it happened, but he took the time to read my "little stories" and even left a comment. I don't talk about anything here that I think is "secret". This is more or less an exercise in both keeping track of who I am and expressing myself creatively. Among other things, I'm a writer. I'm not ashamed of anything I have here, and I knew there was always a possiblity that people immediate to me would read this. All I ask, people, is that if you want to comment, please make it relevant. Oh, and this is the internet so please don't use you last names either.
And Clayton, this has never kept me from doing my job.
8 Years
Happy anniversary, Diane. I love you :)
5 Days In
Day 5 without a phone, computer or office. I did get to move into my new room last night though, and finally got unpacked. All I need now is internet in my room, and I'll be set.
I am:
STILL playing KOTOR II, but am getting closer to the source of the void.
Preparing myself mentally for Ostara and making incense.
Reading nothing special at the moment.
Let's Catch Up
Alright, so since I left on thursday, I packed all of my stuff from the house in Fort McMurray, said my goodbyes and travelled down the road. I left a little early on thursday to make time for the travelling that needed to be done.
Friday, Diane and I went to Edmonton for our anniversary. The hotel screwed up my reservations and didn't follow through on the champagne and roses for either friday or saturday. The play itself was good however. All in all, it was a nice, relaxing weekend in a fancy hotel.
Sunday found us back at home and I was pretty lazy, reading comics and watching movies.
Monday I travelled back through FM to camp, in preparation for my new job. With this, however, things again did not go as planned. I was supposed to be moving into the part of camp where I would have my own bathroom. Instead I'm in GenPop (that "general population") until friday after work. Which is fine. Inconvenient, but fine. Tuesday, after orientation, I can't find any one to give me my sign-on paperwork. That is, the info that allows them to pay me for my time. I spent the better part of the afternoon sorting that out, and as I sit filling out the paperwork, they casually tell me things have changed from the original agreement. First, my wage is $6.50/hr less than I was promised. Second, I'm not working 14 days on, 7 off but rather, 10 and 4. The exact shift I was on already. The whole reason I wanted to come back here. I threw my pen down and told them that I was not signing for this. That I did not take a paycut to work the same shift. In the end, after much phoning and deliberation, I got my rate, but the shift is up in the air. I'm not happy about it, but I'm prepared to suffer it for a bit until I get an answer that THIS is the shift and it won't be changing. Then we'll see.
It's good to be back though. Ken and Darwin are still here, as well as Barb (who was always gracious enough to lend me her bathtub), and I work with Marty and Justin again full time. The fox that was hanging out here is gone. No one has seen him since I got back. Perhaps it really was some shadow of me ;)
I'm prepared for Ostara. I've brought everything I need for the ritual. Much more prepared than last year.
wtf?
Well now, this is odd. My posts aren't posting....
One Year
It's been exactly one year since I started. Back where I started, with some monor changes. More details when I can.
09-03-06
It's my last day at this job. The last couple of days have been slow, work-wise, but busy personally. I had a "going away party" the other night, which ended in walking home through Fort McMurray by myself at 3am (something some people say is completely irresponsible). It was a beautiful night though, and I was in the mood for walking. And last night was packing and dinner with some friends. It was an ecceltic group; Mamun, who is from Bangladesh, Ana from Indonesia, Tonya from New Foundland, Karnie, the small town Alberta woman, Shelley, our hostess who has been in Fort McMurray for 27 years, and me. It was a good night, with good food and good wine.
I'm leaving a little early today, to pack the truck and drive home. This weekend Diane and I are celebrating our 8th anniversary. I booked us at the
Mayfield Inn for a couple of nights, dinner theatre and luxuary. We had our first anniversary there, and I was able to track down a bottle of wine that we had for dinner that first time. Hopefully all goes well.
And In Other News...
It turns out, the place I'm going to work after I'm done here this thursday is being haunted by him:
This fox is ACTUALLY hanging out in the warehouse yard. Justin called to let me know that it's like having a shadow of me around. :)
Sideways
I haven't been expressing myself in a way that people understand lately. I think it's a result of the fear of saying too much, of watching my back, of having the paranoia that people are going to twist what I have to say and turn it against me. I generally keep my opinions to myself on a lot of things, and for the most part, this blog has become coded as a result. I've been using too much of my MotM characters to express issues I have, and I think a rift is forming between Sonja and I. To that end, and not just with Sonja, I've been pushing back my emotions, biting my tongue and bottling myself. So, I have somethings to get off my chest.
Sonja, I'm proud of you and your efforts to develop global consciousness, to seek a more selfless lifestyle and just generally improve your world. And though I agree on issues of animal cruelty, fur farming, and oppression, I'm still not a "global" person. I likely never will be. I still make donations with Diane every year to the WWF and will continue to sign petitions against animal cruelty as I come across them. I don't consider myself willfully ignorant, I just have different drives.
My focus is, and always has been, on the power of the self and that interaction with energy and nature and people; how I affect my environment. I don't think this makes me selfish. On the contrary, I find I often put my needs and drives aside to make things "easier" for other people. This is something I'm proud of, and I think I've opened a lot of people to experiences that they might not have had otherwise. In that, I'm a problem solver and a teacher. Sometimes, on the downside, this makes me a facilitator.
I've always attempted to make my day-to-day existence simple, leaving me room to explore my deeper self, the other realms. I don't deny the physical world, and I'm not blind to it, but I don't bind myself to it. I would prefer, I think, the monastic lifestyle with a pagan twist, but I am also open to physical pleasures. I can't give myself wholly to the spiritual realm anymore than I can the physical. When I talk about balance, this is what I'm working to achieve, and my major tool for this is my intuition, which can be confusing to me sometimes. I'm not above saying or doing something wrong, but I'm also not afraid to make a stand for what I believe.
I'm sad to think that I've disappointed Sonja, if she's somehow outgrown me or if I've turned out to not be the "genius" she thought I was. But I'm also thankful to her for continuing to move my mind in other directions, for keeping me informed.
Fuck Off
New stuff at MotM istead of here.
I was in the process of writing something far longer than it turned out, but I've lost my drive. Fuck it.
It cost me $1895 today to quit my job.
There are times I really hate people.
Bored
Well, it's monday. That means I have exactly tonight to pack my stuff. Tomorrow they're having a going away party for me, and the night after I have dinner with friends. If I wasn't worried about procrastinating so much, I'd put it off until thursday. :P
Hmmm. It's quiet around here again today. It's a very cliquey place. But I have to find something to do for 4 more days.
Good thing I brought a book.
Events
Last night I:
-Went to dinner with Justin.
-Had whiskey lemon shrimp, "fresh" muscles and cannalloni.
-Drank 2 glasses of ale and a coffee.
-Bought
Red Ninja and
Dead or Alive Ultimate for xbox because both were $10.
-Read until 11:30 for the first time in weeks.
Today I:
-Plan to do very little in the way of work.
-Should start packing my stuff at the house.
-Am going to try one of the two new games I bought.
-Am feeling somewhat fierce.
Unveiling
Here it is, finally. My latest tattoo.
That's my entire right forearm. Wicked, eh?
I've Always Liked Bruce Cambell
We're on a friggin' role now! Here's a blast from Sonja's past.
Gimme some sugar baby.
Which B-Movie Badass Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
Who Knew?
| Your Japanese Name Is... |
Kin Asukai |
Impetus
....ok, I feel a little guilty.... I just bought myself a digital camera.
:)
Geopolitical Wind
I wonder sometimes if I shouldn't be more world savvy. I was poking around on
Neil Gaiman's blog, and I found that he writes about current events, reviews and general newspaper stuff. Some of it, granted, relates directly to his work (ie: the reviews). On the other hand, last night going home, I turned off the radio so that I didn't have to hear news. I don't pick up the papers, I never watch TV anymore and almost all my media comes from either Diane, the five second scan of MSN's homepage as I'm opening my favorites to link to various webcomics, or my iPod.
I guess I can't help but wonder if I'd be smarter, more "in the know" if I exposed myself to more media. Or would I become that prententious ass who can only talk about the failing economy and how geopolitical climates are never going to sort themselves out? Or would I be less self involved? More self involved?
Xanth's boots sunk in the snow and the wind pushed him forward as he made his way toward the trees. Lan walked beside him, the blowing snow forming an uneven layer of ice on his furry body, icicles forming on his whiskers. "Aren't you the least bit interested in the world outside the forest?" Both of them shook the snow from themselves as they reached the shelter of the large fir tree. The wind still howled around them as Lan sat beneath the tree and shook the moisture from his head again.
There was a brief silence, as Lan looked up at the man and considered. Then he smiled and sniffed the air. "Can you smell that?" the fox asked, squinting one eye at Xanth.
Xanth turned his head and sniffed the air, imitating the fox. "I can smell a few things. What exactly am I smelling for?"
"Everything," Lan said. "Look," he continued, "the wind is blowing out of the south, bringing with it warmer weather, which is bringing the heavy, sticky snow. You can smell the warmth and moisture in the air." Xanth sniffed again and noticed that what Lan said was true. "Can you smell the trees too?"
"Yes, I can." Xanth closed his eyes and tried to pick out the mingling scents of the forest around him. "The spruce and a little of the bitter smell of the poplar."
"Good," Lan said. "The saps are running again, bringing moisture to the limbs of the trees. They'll be awake again soon."
Xanth took a big breath through his nose, and exhaled, opening his eyes again and looked down at Lan. "But that doesn't answer my question."
"Doesn't it?" Lan's eyes reflected a mischievous glint that was belied his sincere tone. "The wind comes from beyond the forest, bringing the snow. On clearer days, it brings other scents, like smoke, or cooking food from some farm nearby, or the lake at the edge of the forest. It will bring rain, and helps move the seasons in and out of our little world. If you pay attention, the wind will let you know what's coming before it arrives. That's all that really affects me. If the governments have a world summit, or something terrible happens to people in some far away town, I still have to deal with the weather here, and though terrible tragedies are occurring beyond the forest, I still have to live
here." Lan punctuated his last word by extending a paw and pressing it into the snow. "The world will move out there without our help, and we must move in here, doing what we can to get by, be comfortable and enjoy ourselves. We help where we can, but the things that are beyond our control we have to let go, or the thing is going to drag you behind it."
"Still, if we got more involved, we would probably be able to accomplish alot," Xanth retorted. "With our talents...." Lan stopped him.
"Xanth, our talents depend on having the time to dream, to speculate, to read and let the mind go. If you tangle it up in politics and money, it would be like putting the wind in a bottle. The rains wouldn't come, there would be no scents from the lake, the seasons would be dull. I'm not saying we can't do things to make life better outside the forest, but we would be losing something very important here."
The young man sat beside the fox, leaning back against the tree and smiled, roughly scratch Lan's ear. "You know, I should start writing this stuff down," he said absently.
Pieces
The actual "Pieces" can be seen at Mythology of the Mind. It's interesting for all the talk I've done about being inspired, I never realized how much I actually accomplished and didn't count. This, all told, is nearly 10 pages of stuff.
Wake Me
In a week and a half, Choas With a Crunchie Center will be 1 year old. I'm resonably excited, and I have a few ideas floating around to commemorate. One of the things I'm planning on doing is compiling the MotM character conversations that I've written here this passed year and putting them in one spot. Well, two, actually. Simple cut and paste....
I'm feeling good today. I bought
Mediaeval Babes' Mirabilis this morning because I like music that's different. It's light, for the most part, ethereal, and features haunting vocals, lutes, flutes, recorders and hand played drums.And I saw the waxing moon last night.
And Spring is almost here :)
It Wasn't Really Funny
I miss being near trees. In an attempt to bring some bit of the outside inside, I asked our town runner yesterday to stop at a park in town and find a deadfall branch, something with a few branches on it, to me. Actually, I said exactly "when you go back to Gregoire, there's a park there, near the trailer park. Can you find a tree and on the ground near it, grab me a stick? Something with lots of branches on it." Later that afternoon, she walked into my office with the top of a ash tree.
"Funny story," she said. "I was at Tim Horton's and I looked across the parking lot. There were these trees along the side of the road, and I though, there isn't much snow, so I, like, grabbed it and twisted...." I more or less zoned out at that point, horrified that I was holding the top of this tree. It was like holding a severed head. Really. It was just starting to bud, the bark was green where it had been violently ripped apart. I couldn't just throw it out, but it really made me feel incredibly guilty having it in my office. I left it here overnight, not sure what to do with it.
This morning, it came to me. I couldn't put it back, so I had to make it something useful. I appologized to the tree and cut the branches off. I found some coloured file folders that I cut into strips. I wove the whole thing together and made a wreath and gave it to one of my more supportive, understanding co-workers.
This office is going to be even less witchy when I'm gone, so it's good to leave behind something.
I See It
I'm trying too hard. I'm concentrating too much on the future, about how it should be going and not enough on just letting it happen. I'm rushing, and in doing so, missing the not just the steps, but the experience of the process.
"Slow down Xanth." He opened one eye a little and looked across the water at Tali. The myrrh scented water rippled a little as the young man closed his eye again and sunk slowly under the surface. He floated there, feeling the water around him.
"Good," she whispered to him, though his head was submerged. "Start with feeling the currents of the water. Picture in your mind soft blue energies moving along your body, joining it and the water. Become a part of it; feel yourself sinking into the water, joining it as the water becomes darker." Xanth pictured this, the wisps of energy from the water permeating his skin, joining with the energy of his own body as he sank. He smiled to himself and openned his senses to the experience. Then he heard music.
He listened for a minute, trying to identify the tune, his mind drifting. "Focus," Tali warned. Xanth pushed the music back and concentrated again on feeling the water. "Now, push your energy out through your back. Let it travel with the water currents. As it moves through the water, focus it down, like a root seeking the soil. Let it draw a line through your body, from the top of your head, down your spine, bringing the energy in you in line."
"Damn it," he muttered, trying to shut out the distracting music, but he could feel the energy dissapating. "I should have planned this better."
"You did fine, you just need more practise." Tali was trying to be soothing, but Xanth knew she was as frustrated as him. "Do you want to practise the pentagrams?"
Xanth closed his eyes, clearing his mind and took a deep breath. In succession, he drew pentagrams on his feet, knees, abdomen, chest, shoulders forehead, reciting a little prayer to the Deities for each. "Slower," Tali warned. "As you make the mark, picture it there, envision it on your skin, the elements of the bath combining to seal each." But Xanth didn't slow down, thinking about his warm bed, the new books, runes.
He finished the pentagram on his forehead and stood from the water, letting it run from his naked form. "You forgot the eyes and the palms," Tali said, her voice dissappointed.
"Damn it!"
