Reset: June 2006

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Solstice

"It's cold," Tali said, shivering slightly as she pulled her coat up over her shoulders. Trynn, who was hunched forward in his chair across the room, his head down, looked up at her but said nothing. "It was cold last solstice too, wasn't it?" Trynn looked down again and remained silent. He shifted slightly in his seat and leaned his chin on his palm, obviously lost in thought.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Ominous or Not: You Decide

Dear Trent,
Here is your horoscope
for Tuesday, June 20:

This situation has been amorphous for far too long. It's time to draw some boundaries and clarify what's been undefined. Is it time to make a temporary measure a permanent part of your emotional landscape?

I'm not sure exactly what it means, because, well, I'm too friggin' tired to even begin to think straight. But I thought I'd hang on to this for a little bit, to see if I can work out whether or not this is at all coherent. At this point, I have so much on my mind, everything seems shapeless.

Good Morning

I'm tired this morning. Yesterday was a bit of an active day. Sonja found a job, which is really good news. I've been telling her to be patient for just about a month, and I think it was really starting to get scary for her. But in the end it worked out. Now she can cash in on the ridiculous oilfield money too, like the rest of us Albertans.

But for every up, there is a down. I was personally having a pretty shitty day yesterday. Diane is upset with me. Angry even. I think she just needs some time to settle, to sort out her thoughts, but as of right now, she's not tlaking to me. I hate this. I feel nauseous when she's upset. And when she's not talking, I can't sleep. So, 5:28am and I haven't slept all night. Now I have to be patient, just relax and hopefully straighten things out with her when I get home. Maybe I can talk her into coming up today or tomorrow. I hate that I can't just put my arms around her and kiss her to sleep.

I should still be in bed :P

Solstice is almost here and I still haven't planned anything. Diane and I are talking about camping this weekend (I'm on days off starting thursday), so that should get me outside. Maybe I'll make a small offering while I'm there.

I should really still be in bed :P :P

Saturday, June 17, 2006

fire

I've been very hot lately. Full of energy, a little unfocussed and restless. I'd decided last night that I must be in the fire element of my cycle, which fits with the coming solstice. In a conversation with Sonja, I'd decided that this is more than likely what it is that is stunting my creativity. No, that's not right, because I have been feeling creative, I just haven't been producing anything. Fire is a consumer, not a creator, at least not in the traditional sense. Fire transforms the other elements, water to steam, earth to ash and air to energy. In and of itself, fire has no transformation. It is, but doesn't change.

It is also a dominantly male element, which also fits with what I have been feeling. The female part of my mind is fading, becoming "dormant", as I knew it would. I am a pendulum, or a spiralling cycle. I know, from the maps I've made, from the logs I keep, from discovering the patterns of my mind, that I will soon move out of this mind and into earth next. I think I already have started, in some ways. The fact that I'm even writing this is a good indicator. Last night's craving for laying in the grass in the backyard is another. I'm already begining to manifest the ideas that I haven't been able to focus for the passed week or so. I am already feeling cooler, more level. Perhaps I will soon be able to start reworking MotM, a project that I have been rewriting in my head.

It's not much, but it's a start.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

and every fair from fair some time declines

I'm working on a couple of things in my head, but I haven't put anything down on paper yet. I haven't even blogged for about a week. My mind is fertile, ready for the process of writing, but what I have is strange, gabbled nonsense, like this:

Say sage, he who stands on his head and with a queer smile waves at the crowds. Dewy stood on the chairs and rhymed his way across the room, concentrating each hop, from seat to seat, meters made by meter. The poetry he recited was that of Coleridge, the strange Rime.

So, yeah, that's what is coming when I try to write. Intriguing, non?

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

And Now, A Coversation NOT With Myself

"That's pretty honest," she said. "How are you going to reconcile it?" He shrugged.

How do you reconcile things like this? What do you think needs to be reconciled, Sonja?

Good point. Some things remain mysterious even to ourselves. Perhaps labryinths and mazes exist to provide us with our own private mysteries that not meant to be solved by one great revelation and a new year's resolution. Surely though that there has to be times when we do act on our own truths in order to ensure our survival as individuals. Light needs to penetrate some of our darkest corners or else the meaning and purpose of these mazes become lost or redundant. Perhaps what you need, our all of need to reconcile is that which is immediately important. Insight and growth are lost when our self and our thoughts become a carnival.

I'm beginning to think that that's what I do, in not so subtle ways. I build the maze and get lost in it, and even thouroughly enjoy being lost. But when I've had enough, or get too lost, I struggle to get out again. I let myself out of the maze and shut down those things, the thoughts and actions that put me there in the first place. Perhaps the whole thing, the secret conversations with myself, the opposed aspects, the diametric characters I've create are my way of leaving the game when I've become scared, or bored or just had enough. Perhaps I've gotten too good at throwing people off what is really going on, or not going on, that it hides itself from me now too.

well a few thoughts. do you fear yourself? do you not accept yourself? do you make what goes on inside yourself more complicated than it needs to be? like scratching the itch and deep digging deeper and deeper until you have to force yourself to shut down? why do you create traps for yourself? And perhaps you have gotten good at throwing people off including yourself but you really haven't explained why you have a desire to do this. Is there an aspect of yourself that haunts you so much that you need all this to be so elaborate? Does truth and simplicity scare you? I never believed that we have to reveal ourselves fully, that at times, we need to be calculated. It's a matter of survival and a profound lesson from our witness. We can be mysterious without feeling isolated but we can also share ourselves to a certain degree as well. Mysterious doesn't mean unauthentic. Mystery is a matter of survival and the sweet truth is what we give to others but blatent honesty is what we give ourselves.

I think I do make things in my head to be more complicated than they need to be. As to fear, I am afraid of different parts of myself at different times. I know that I can be callous sometimes, that I can be something very strange, feral. I have alot of myself repressed into tight little containers that I don't open very often. Truth and simplicity don't scare me, I just don't think they are part of my make-up. I don't know if I have the propensity for simplicity and truth, for me, is a matter of perception, and my perception is constantly changing. I know aboout survival, I've become quite adept, but it's not enough for me anymore, or at least right now, to simply survive. Hell, I can't "simply" anything. I'm trying to understand why it is that I am the way I am, but I'm cynical about it today. The traps I set, I see clearly right now, but I know tomorrow or next week it'll disappear again. Diane once said, "I'm not afraid that you're insane, I'm afraid that when you do snap, it's going to be big." I guess I'm just trying to preserve some sense of "self", a quest I've been on for a long time. As for why the traps, because I used to be afraid to get close to people. I didn't want to have friends again for a long time after I moved. I wanted to be alone, to not have to explain to people that I am weak, human and capable of failure. So I put up walls, set traps and never have the same conversation with more than one person.

well since I can't penetrate your mind perhaps a difference of experience can be shared. Okay, more with the sharing bit-- this really shouldn't become a hobby with me. Unlike you, I don't set up traps or labrynths because of the strength of my intellect and ego. But I've always set up boundaries and often play the role I'm supposed to with other people. For example, I still behave a certain way with my parents even though it really isn't me, but it's the me they remember. Last night I stayed up late because I was struggling with past experiences with other people that I have know and roles that I had to play. I thought about how even some of the memories I have, when stripped, aren't as good as they seem to me. I've always played roles for people to help them move on because I'm comfortable with myself enough not to cling to fantasies or expectations. Perhaps, that is why I'm know as the ice queen-- because I can disregard what doesn't work and let go of people when I need to. That is cold but it is real. It is a truth that came to me when I was lying in the hospital bed for 3 weeks. When survival is your only goal, you are basic and primal and that gives the neccessary space to think critically about yourself and your life. I do believe that we need to balance sensuality with intellect and support those with spirituality (in some form). We have to be individual and strong enough in order to be individual and create freedom. But at the same time we have to create relationships, whether fleeting or not, in order to survive as well. Logical, maybe but neccessary. Too bad about those boundaries though, but we all have a failsafe.

Letter

Go on, empty your head. There is a song somewhere, rolling around in the back, a nagging tune that I heard you whistling a few notes at random times throughout the day. What is it? What song is that? I'd know it if you weren't so terrible a whistler. Not that I mind, I like that about you. You don't have the self consciouness about that stuff that a lot of other people do. No, you're selfconscious about a host of other things, aren't you? You're worried about what people would do, what they would say if they really saw what you look like under that mask. Maybe that's why your whistling is so bad. You have to admit, it's hard to whistle from behind a mask.

What would happen, do you think, if you just let go, let the whole thing stand or fall without you trying so hard to hold it up? You aren't afraind to be alone, I know that. Except those times when you get lost in yourself. Hahaha, the person who built such incredible mazes in his head to keep people from seeing the truth at the centre, getting lost in his own traps. All the defenses, turned against themselves. You never used to worry so much, you know. About the threats inside yourself. You used to relish the ability to confound people, but now you only confound yourself. So maybe you are afraid to be alone after all. But you wouldn't be. There are some people who love you despite your efforts to drive them off. They know enough of what's going on behind that thick skull of yours that they really wouldn't be shocked by the whole thing. There are those who might leave you, who might shun you. But do you think that really needs to be the reason you parade false faces and charade your way through the day?

Ah, but that's not false either, is it? There are more masks than you let on, probably more than you know. It hurts you, doesn't it? Being a freak to no one but yourself. It isn't logical, and you know it. You have always been a survivor, stronger than most people give you credit for. You are not so hollow as you think you are.

Do you miss the old days at all? Surely you sit and reminisce, at all, about the younger days? You fucked them up too, you know. You get too close to something and turn it upside down. I think you do it on purpose, myself. But I've yet to figure out why. It doesn't matter though. I'm not all that concerned about who's life you touched in some twisted way. What matters is, what now? Are you going to continue to be afraid to let the maze live or die without you? There are other things going on, you know. People outside these walls who want you to lighten up. Or darken up. Squinting through the cracks, lamenting the sunshine outside the wall.... Just turn around. Look behind you right now. It's not like you're in a cell, some caged beast. There is a field of wildflowers right behind you. Beyond that, the forest which hides a spring. You're so busy worrying about the wall, you can't even turn away from it to see the sun or the moon rising over it.

Wake up, Trent. It may not be a dream, but you have to open your eyes. Let your mind go, just for a little while and I promise, if you don't like the monsters inside, I'll put them back.

Nugget

I've been strugling between being inspired and being lazy. I always seem to be at odds with myself. I don't get much time to just sit and think, and when I do, I'm usually driving, which is not condusive to safe writing. Likewise, I don't seem to get much time to just sit and do nothing, to turn my brain off. This usually leads me to sitting, wishing I had the energy to write or lament that I can't switch off my brain.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Storm

I'm feeling more than a little blocked lately. I have "visions", bits of this and that, stories, poetry, song lyrics, the wind, all whippping around in my mind. I've been meaning to sit down and write for the last couple of days, but I always get a couple of words in and lose focus. I am, after all, mostly an air being. And earth.

I had a revelation of sorts. I'm a doer, I find the things that need to be done, the things that are lacking and manifest them into a sort of reality. The crux of it is that I might have lost focus on what my reality really is. Am I one thing and not the other? Did I create something in myself to fill a void? Honestly, I don't know. I'd like to say yes, because that would be the easy thing to do. I've been like this for alot longer than I would like to admit, and I tend to forget where I was 20 years ago. I can make things possible, fantasic things, I'm a creater. That is my earth element. But I drift, like the wind, sometimes devistating the things I create, sometimes invisibly passing by them.

There are clouds rolling in right now, real ones, bringing rain and heavy winds. I'd like to stay up a little late tonight, take in the scents of the approaching rain, the lake near by, watch the trees in the back yard sway and dance. I think the wind animates the otherwise unmoving life around me. In that way, air is a doer too.

Earth and air...

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Ass O'Clock

My head has been all over the place lately. Some of it is being a little unsure at work, because I don't have a place to sit or a place to receive material. I'm still feeling out the structures of who does what, and what my responsibilties are. Some of it is being in another new space, getting settled and used to living with people again. Some of it is still sorting out my mind, my spirits and trying to passively bring resolution to them. I've been trying to explain to Sonja what it is that goes on in my noggen, and I think she understands. I always feel that I'm on the verge of figuring it all out, and then my mind switches, as if the final answer is just too much and the failsafes shut it down. I'm ok to act, but not to analyze.

I dreamt about being in college again, last night. I wasn't going to my classes, I wasn't doing the assignments and I was being called into the offices of my instructors to discuss my absences. It's pretty accurate of my scholastic experiences. I skipped alot.

Tonigt I'm going home for the night. That means I'll have to get up earlier tomorrow, to be the road for around 5:15am. But I'm looking forward to spending the night with Diane. She's still uneasy about a woman from my past living with me, and I know that she'll relax, once she's had time to adjust.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Time to Wane

I've decided that my writing lately is mediocre, boring and extremely repetitious. Sonja (who is the only person who reads my stuff and comments on it) assures me that it's not true. I have been feeling a fair bit of writer's block lately though, and I think it's because I have so little input on my stuff. On the other hand, I suspect it could be because I still hold so much back, editting and censoring my words. I have thoughts that I still am not comfortable sharing with people. I've been thinking about starting another blog, one that no one reads, to explore some of what I'm reluctant to share, but that I feel is important to get out. I haven't decided whether or not I will, but I am thinking about it.

On other fronts, I have been feeling alot better about myself. The has been a peace in me, in respect to my duality. Not fighting, not obsessing, not overthinking, but just feeling, enjoying and experiencing has been really relaxing. I feel at ease.

Reset