"The Dark Side Clouds Everything" Was Used Already
Chaos and confusion abound. Ah, the looks on peoples faces when I tell them, "Oh, hey, I quit." It's priceless. I'm starting to get a little paranoid though. The company I work for currently and the company that hired me have an "agreement" not to steal each other's employees, so if it gets out, I could lose both jobs. Of course, if my current management teams queers the deal, there will be wrath. But I'm employable just about anywhere, and there's lots of work to be had.
Meanwhile, yoga is going interestingly. I thought I'd be more sore, but it turns out I'm still pretty flexable. It's sweaty work though. However, I am enjoying the activity, and just need to be able to memorize some of the poses so I can spend more time thinking about the forms than trying to keep up with my TV.
Magically.... Life is hectic. I'm looking forward to having an apartment, a space I can work and concentrate. The walls are too thin in my bunk and my attention span short enough as it is. Having my own bath tub will be nice too. What does this have to do with magic? I'll be starting my new job on Solstice. My plan, therefore, is a simple cleansing ritual for my new space. I'll have to do a bit of research, and plan it out.
Today's Rune:
Mannaz -Man
Puzzling. Of all the runes, this one gives me the most difficulty. It is the self in relation to society. It is all people, community as well as the individual. I'm really not sure how to read this one.
Blessed
I've said it before, I'm the luckiest person on the planet. Anytime I need something, it finds a way to come to me. On saturday morning, while I was laying in my own bed, my cat curled up in my knees and Diane's elbows in my ribs, my cell phone started ringing. I jumped out of bed and answered it. For the passed 3-1/2 years, a friend of mine, Jaysen, has been trying to recruit me to work for him, but the offers were either nothing I was interested in or not any different than what I was already doing. That is, until that call.
It turns out, they have an openning at the warehouse down the road and they want me to fill it. It's more pay, I'd get a living allowance to get an apartment in town and they'll pay me for driving from Fort McMurray to my house. I wouldn't have to deal with anything related to tools, and I'm told it's a great crew working in the warehouse. Needless to say, once I have a couple of details ironned out in my offer letter, I'm going to accept. I have no delusions that the grass will actually be that greener, but I'm willing to try.
Apart from that, my weekend was great. I got to spend some time at home, had a very sunny, very scenic drive back last night, and I'm looking forward to giving my notice.
Today's Rune:
Jera -Harvest
Change, reward and motion. The spring after winter, the turning of the wheel. I like this rune, and think it fits today. I feel lighter than I have for a long time, knowing that everything is turning out for the better. This signifies that the frozen frustration I've been in is passing, that the wheel is once again moving and I am free to work productively.
Unfinished Thoughts
I'm going home tonight for the weekend. Some friends of Diane's are getting married, so I've taken the opportunity to take some time off to spend at home with my family. I'm not excited about the long drive, because I won't be home until after 11:00, but I'll be ok. I've got some Sherlock Holmes audio books to listen to, and just the anticipation of being home to look forward to. And saturday morning cartoons :)
Diane phoned me last night with an interesting speculation. The "gravel pit", that piece of land from which we have been exiled, is owned by an older man by the name of Ed. Ed called yesterday and told Diane he was coming down to talk to her, but he didn't show. She talked to her mom later that evening, asking if she knew why Ed had called. It turns out that Diane's dad had talked to Ed, and mentioned that we, Diane and I, were interested in buying the property if he ever decided to sell. My hope is that Ed wants to discuss terms to sell us the land. I've always wanted to build a house there, and even just to be able to go there again....
I've started reading a piece on shamanism from
Questia in light of my recent animality. The aspects of transformation found in shamanism are of interest to me. The ideas of shape-shifting, of communicating with spirits and more nature based forms of magic could only add to the fundemental foundation I'm building toward eclectic witchcraft. In many cases, shamanism predates modern forms of magic, and has strong connections with the Norse gods and Odin, specifically.
Today's Rune:
Kenaz- Torch
Inspiration, knowledge and bringing light to the dark. Fitting, I think, with my interest in shamanism. Gaining new knowledge through inspiration of feeling feral.
Purpose
How do I describe how I feel today? Predatory still, driven. I have purpose. I feel strong, both in body and will. Hungry. Intolerant of repetitious nonsense.
Me: ...since I won't be on site friday night, saturday night, and sunday night.
Boss of Boss: What do you mean?
Me: I have a wedding to go to this weekend, so I'm leaving friday after work and will be back sunday evening.
BoB: Maybe you can skip it.
Me: I've come to the conclusion that I spent too much time away from my personal life, so no, I won't be skipping it.
BoB: So when are you going to be back?
Me: (with slow, sarcastic tone) I will be back sunday evening.
I realize I should probably have had more patience for him, but for as often as he asks the same questions over and over, I couldn't help it. It reflects, perhaps, my frustration with the repetition of having to train and retrain people around here. I hate repeating myself.
Today's Rune:
Fehu- Cattle
This is the rune of monetary wealth, of earthly possession. This is actually the second day in a row that I've drawn this rune, and I'm reading it as a reminder that even though there are other things I could be doing right now, having the security of my position and wage is making life easier in the long run. I'm here for the money, and I knew it would be frustrating work for this company again.
I am:
Still playing KOTOR II and kicking ass.
Working on chapter 5 of MotM.
Reading Green Lantern Rebirth #6, New Avengers #5, and a pile of other comics Justin picked up for me on the weekend.
Days Like This
There are days, like today, that I feel alone. Not alone in the sense of lonely, rather in the sense that I'm not like anyone, anywhere, on any level. It's also days like this that I seem to go out of my way to alienate the people around me. But on days like this, I feel potent; I'm filled with energy and power. That no one could stop me if they tried. I feel feral and mean. I want to find a dark place and wrap myself in it.
Busy.
Back to the fray. But before I begin talking about work, I want to relish the memories of the weekend....
I left a little early on thursday, to get a head start for home. I'd driven up last days off (which was just about a month ago now), so I got to beat the traffic. I stopped at Earls in Fort McMurray for lunch with Justin and Adam, had the "Japanese Style Bento Box" because I was feeling brave and then flew home. The trip was long and relatively boring, until I was about 32km from home. I saw a fox in the ditch. Not a big deal normally, but I haven't seen one in a really long time, and I was planning on getting a fox tattoo on the saturday, so it seemed an adventageous sign. Then as I got even closer to home, thunder and lightning and funnel clouds. It was GLORIOUS!!! For most people, storms and impending tornados cause them to run for the basement, but I just wanted to get home, crack a beer and sit out on the front step and enjoy the show. It seemed the gods were welcoming me home :)
Friday was a busy morning, buying new tires, getting an oil change and doing a little yard work. But the afternoon cleared off, and I got to do nothing more than lay in the grass in my backyard and feel the earth beneath me and the sun on my face. I did a little meditating, worked on grounding a bit and just let the energies flow in and out of me. That night, when Diane got off work, we went to the greenhouse. I bought and planted some herbs (sage, peppermint, catnip, lavender and monk's hood) in the space in the back yard I've been saving for a herb garden for four years.
Saturday was a little more hectic again. I went for my tattoo, and had I not decided that seeing the fox was a sign to go ahead with it, I would have backed out. The guys were (for lack of a better word) skeavey. After convincing myself that the guy was probably not as high as he seemed, and convincing him that I wanted the fox I'd picked out, I got it done. And I'm happy with the way it turned out. After that, it was running around, shopping for stuff for the house. I picked up Star Wars Trivial Pursuit, and had Diane beat me (turns out she did actually watch the movies everytime I forced her to watch them). But my ego isn't that fragile, so it didn't matter.
Sunday was more or less relaxing. I did some more yard work, read a little and ended up out at the in-laws for dinner. Diane and I went exploring for a new place to pitch our tent (since the other place we used to go is no longer accessable to us). We found a nice spot, secluded, surrounded by pine, poplar and birch. The frogs were croaking, the marsh marigolds were out and it was very peaceful. I think it's going to be a good spot, a nice piece of sanctuary.
Monday. Monday was a day of restless anticipation. I watched tv for a few hours, had a nap and more or less just tried to kill the time until we went to Episode III. It was fantasic! For all the bad press it got, I think it is my new favorite Star Wars movie. I've been holding Empire as champion up to this point, but before I offically declare it, I will have to see the movie again. But it was hands down better than I'd expected.
And so, my weekend ended. I'm back at work, counting down until friday, when I get to go home again for a couple of days.
Oh Blessed Day of Holy Days!!
Thursday, and not a moment too soon. I feel relieved. My plan today is to relax, get through the next five hours and get home safely.
Apart from that, my mind is pretty much porridge. So, rather than write anything, I'll share a poem.
SONNET 132
Thine eyes I love, and they, as pitying me,
Knowing thy heart torments me with disdain,
Have put on black and loving mourners be,
Looking with pretty ruth upon my pain.
And truly not the morning sun of heaven
Better becomes the grey cheeks of the east,
Nor that full star that ushers in the even
Doth half that glory to the sober west,
As those two mourning eyes become thy face:
O, let it then as well beseem thy heart
To mourn for me, since mourning doth thee grace,
And suit thy pity like in every part.
Then will I swear beauty herself is black
And all they foul that thy complexion lack.
-William Shakespeare
23 Hours and Counting
In under 23 hours, I will be on the road and on my way home. Last night's excursion to town was a bad idea. All it accomplished is making me more tired. I actually fell asleep in the shower this morning. So, tonight will be an early night, maybe do some laundry, play some xbox.
Here's something to pass some time that I stole from
Sonja's Blog, who stole it from
Tom Hodge's blog.
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Trent
2. Wild
3. Skywalker
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Trynn
2. Xanth
3. DieFuckers (on my profile for SW BattleFront)
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My hands
2. The way my eyes change colour
3. My greying hair
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My knees
2. My bad, patchy facial hair
3. Ummm, the hair on my big toes...?
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. English
2. Norwegian
3. German
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Not being able to find Diane
2. Zombies
3. Needles
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Coffee
2. Toothbrush
3. Peace and Quiet
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Black T-Shirt
2. Plaid long sleeve shirt (not buttoned, even at the cuffs)
3. Steel-toed Boots
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Black Sabbath
2. Led Zeppelin
3. Loreena McKennitt
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. Greensleeves- Traditional Balad
2. Gallow's Pole- Led Zeppelin
3. Mob Rules- Black Sabbath
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Compassion
2. Passion
3. Understanding
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I was 21 when I got my first tattoo
2. I wish I didn't have to go home tomorrow
3. I wish I could walk in the woods rather than be here
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. The soft skin at the base of the back
2. The flecks of colour in her eyes
3. Gentle hands
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Studying
2. Collecting comics and toys
3. Building puppets
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO HAVE REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. A time machine
2. My family
3. A nap
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. English Teacher
2. Archeologist
3. Pirate
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Italy
2. Greece
3. Manitoba
THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Trent
2. Glen
3. Kid (Ok, I'm struggling)
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Travel more
2. Kiss Diane
3. Look my enemy in the eye and take him with me.
:P
There will be no post this morning. I've tried, five times I started this and deleted it.
Hypothesis
I've come to understand that I have "personalities", different sets of "moods" that affect not only how I feel, but what I'm interested in and how I live my life. These moods can sometimes last days, but more often last for longer periods of time, as long as years. I've come to identify these personalities, and simply given them names, a place within my psyche and a life of their own.
I have never been able to control them, never been able to switch from one to the other, nor been able to do anything other than influence them slightly with familiar stimuli, such as music or a particular movie, or piece of writing. Whoever happens to rule at the time determines how I react to different things in different ways. This is what I've been trying to relate very slowly with Mythology of the Mind.
I wonder, now that I have separated these personalities, identified them and given them a home in my mind whether I actually can "bring them out" at will. Can I harness the aspects, the deep rooted characteristics of my own mind to my advantage? Furthermore, should I? I've been trying lately to blend them, but what if instead I let them remain separate and call on them at will? Will I swing out of balance again? Will the darker aspects of me able to be put away when they have to be? Is this the reckless destruction the runes have been warning me about for the last couple of days?
Farewell to Mike
Barring the fact that I'm not going home tonight, there is some hope on the horizon. Mike gave his notice last shift, so tonight everyone is going to town for dinner. That, of course, has but one delicious, thirst quenching consequence for me: beer. Not only do I not have to work late doing tool inventory, I get to have beer.
I'm going to miss the big oaf, who tends to be a little confrontational to me at times, but I can't blame him for wanting to go. Like Diane before on phase 1, Mike has been here for over 2 years. Not so bad for those of us who are settled and older, but the kid is going to be 22 next month, and feels he's missing out on too much being here. And I agree.
Good luck Mikey, enjoy your summer.
Conversation with an Old Friend
"Damn it!" Xanth stood and paced the length of the small room. He ducked each rafter of the low ceiling by instinct, having walked into them so many times since moving into the house. Having an idea, the tall, slender man left the room through a small wooden door and walked into a larger common room. The round central room, the heart of the house, branch off its perimeter into the rooms of the companions. All had a room here, except Lan, who still preferred to sleep outside in the woods.
Xanth walked into the bright room and looked around. None of the companions were in, it seemed. The door to his left was closed, as it always was, but the room was not unoccupied. The light sound of music came quietly through the silence, barely audible, like a ghost. Xanth pressed his ear to the door and listened. The soft sound of a flute played a few soft notes and suddenly stopped. Xanth swore, not outloud and took a step back from the door. The door opened to darkness. By contrast, light of midday streamed into the common room from the opening in the roof above, but the room before the young man gave no light.
"Can I help you?" the low voice came, slightly graveled, but not harsh.
"Sorry to bother you, Trynn," said Xanth apologetically, "but I can't get any of the energies to come me. I thought maybe you could help me." Xanth found his voice trail off as he was scrutinized by the dark eyes of the elf.
"You're blocked because you're human." As if that finished things, Trynn turned and walked back into his room. He left the door open, however, in silent invitation. Xanth stepped into the room after the elf. The thick smell of incense clung to him as he entered, myrrh, he thought and the soft light of candles lit the dark corners of the room. Trynn walked ahead of him. bent slightly, not moving as fast as he once did. Pain plagued the old elf now.
"What do you mean, 'because you're human'?" Xanth asked, sitting in a chair opposite the elf, who sat on the floor.
"I'm a creature of 'myth', I have a more direct connection with the gods because I believe I am of them. You've seen me call the forces," Trynn replied, "you've felt me raise the energies and direct them out from my body. You've even witnessed Tali do it. But has Brant ever cast a spell?" Trynn looked up, and at the same time, somehow down at the man seated in the chair before him. "I mean simply," he continued, absently picking up a glass of wine from the tray beside him, "you have too much of Brant's influence in you. He doesn't 'believe' the elements can be harnessed. He doesn't feel the swell of energies or have the patience to learn them." Xanth cocked an eyebrow at the elf.
"Brant doesn't feel with anything but his hands," Xanth said, finishing for the elf. Trynn smiled darkly.
"You try to experience the gods too much with your hands. Magic has always been innate for me, a part of me. But you've been too removed from it and so have to work harder to attain it."
Xanth considered and spoke, "I'm also working different magics than you did, and so I think they require more control..."
"There is no control, and that is your block. That is why Brant doesn't do it. The powers flow through us, are a part of us and can be directed, but not controlled. Once we try to squeeze it in our hands, like water it splashes out. Instead, guide it, until you learn to control your grip." Xanth sat silently for a minute, reflecting.
Trynn was never one for rituals. To him, structure was a cage that confined and trapped him. The work I'm doing now is different than that of before, more focused on "religion" and ritual. I've been blocked lately, trying to resolve the structure of magic with the power of it, but there's been those voices in the back of my head; the one, Brant, telling me there is no sense in this, that we didn't need the gods before, that we are warriors, not mages. The other is Trynn, reminding me that not only is it possible, I've had it, I've experienced it.
I think what I'm lacking is centering. I need to find the power inside me, and stop looking to the outside to regain what I had. Once I get my senses back, then work with the books, apply what I've got and expand it. I think Trynn needs more time outside, to reconnect me with the forces. I'm going to work this weekend on grounding, on shutting out the outside influence, the "noise" and focus inward.
Today's Rune:
Hagalaz- Hail
Clearance, destruction, drastic change and testing. Hagalaz is the destructive hail that destroys the crops we've planted and grown. It is the unwilling sacrifice of what we think we need, and forces us to rebuild, regrow.
Today's Agenda
I worked until about 8:30 last night. For those of you counting, that's 13-1/2 hours. I officially spent more than half the day working yesterday. But, I got a big bit of tool inventory finished, and it's another day close to going home.
Today I'm either delerious or in a good mood. So, focus of the day
- get this paperwork off of my desk
- do another area for tool audit tonight
- lay low
- see if I can find any interesting mythology about birch trees
I didn't go out last night. By the time I got back to my room, I was exhausted. Chances are it'll be the same tonight.
Today's Rune:
Ehwaz- Horse
Ehwaz is power, communication and recklessness. But also denotes travel. The rune has associations to me of the origins of Sleipnir, Odin's eight legged horse. The story goes that a giant disguised as a builder came to Asgard to build a wall around the place. A deal was struck that if the builder could complete the wall within one year of starting, he would have Freya and the sun to take with him. As the year passed, the builder with his horse drew closer to completing the wall, and with only three days left and the wall nearly complete, the gods grew troubled. Loki disguised himself as a mare and led the builder's horse away and as the three days passed, the giant did not finish his work. Sleipnir was born of Loki, sired by the giant's horse, and was given to Odin. He is said to be faster than any other horse, and carries Odin between the worlds.
Countdown
Home. Just 4-1/2 more days, and you can go home. Just get through this last set of days, Trent, and you can spend some time with your family, go for a walk, get a new tattoo, have some beer, smoke your pipe and watch some movies, including Episode III.
I woke up this morning, around 4:30am pissed off. I must have been dreaming about work, and for the passed few years, I have my more lucid moments in that state between still sleeping and waking up. Last night, before I went on my tool inventory, my bosses boss phoned and iniated another "procedure" whereby I have to hold the hands of 500+ construction workers. It doesn't piss me off so much that he wants me to take stuff out of the toolcrib that is being used improperly, it pisses me off that the "leaders", the area foremen, the guys who are supposed to be supervising and training the 500+ construction workers don't want to take the time to train their people. Instead, they hand down the responsibility to the lowest level, manage the smaller problem of "take away the items", rather than "show them how to use it". Idiots.
Take some deep breaths, relax. I turned off my phone today. We'll see how that goes.
*Edit: 2:01pm*
I feel better. It seems to work, having turned off my phone. I also went for a walk this morning to the area that will be receiving the tool audit tonight. I got a fair bit of paperwork done today, had some water and a few deep breaths, and I haven't yelled at anyone all day :) With any luck, the rest of the day will go as smoothly.
*End Edit*
I am:
Listening to Black Sabbath's Mob Rules
Playing Spider-Man 2 for Xbox
Reading DC's Blood of the Demon #2
Today's Rune:
Berkana- Birch
Berkana is healing and new beginnings. It councils that a time of quiet nurturing is needed, a time of patience and growth. Interesting that this is the first rune I've drawn since finding the birch tree the other day. Perhaps after my inventory tonight, I'll pay her a visit again.
A Collection of Odd Things
I've made plans for my days off to get another tattoo. I phoned a place in Lloydminster last night and made an appointment to get it done on saturday afternoon. The fox has always been a totemic animal for me, the representation of wisdom and mischief. He is clever, feral, and sometimes malicious. I've decided to bring him to my collection of tattoos in the form of the heraldic fox passant, a simple design but fitting of my style. He will look more or less like this (
http://www.heraldicclipart.com/catalog/B343.html) coloured red and be placed on the inside of my left forearm, facing out toward my palm. I'm excited to finally be getting another tattoo.
Today is a day of anticipation. I start the "tool inventory" tonight after work, which has been the bane of my existence for the passed several months. At this point, I'd be happy to have someone take the toolcrib away from me. Let it be someone else's responsibility and I'd be happy.
I went for a walk last night after work, and found a small clearing with an old birch tree in it. There aren't many birch around here that I've seen, and seeing a tall, white feminine tree among the dark, masculine spruce seemed auspicious somehow. There was also a patch of snow near her, that had not melted yet.
I watched Clue last night with Barb. She'd never seen the movie before, so I insisted (as one of my favorite movies) that she see it. I think that it's a classic in terms of fast paced dialogues and slapstick. It's the kind of movie that you have to watch at three times (it has three endings which you can watch all of or randomly if you own the DVD) because everytime, you will pick up something different. There are so many clues, so much going on, it's brilliant.
I feel good today, all things considered. I dreamt about my sister last night, so I think I'll send her an e-mail today. I also dreamt about a meal that cost $5243, which is odd in that I saw and remember the numbers.
Imperium Nocturnus
"You have too much energy, why don't you go work out?" Justin told me last night at just about 10:00. We got together with a few people last night to watch Blade Trinity, and though I was just about falling asleep through the movie, I was awake and climbing the supports and chairs in the rec. hall when it ended. I'm nocturnal, I always have been, but my 7am-6pm job makes it really hard for me to function as a night child.
I'd forgotten the energy I get at night. These days I'm usually asleep before 10pm, and so miss out on everything I used to live for. This could be the "drain" I've been feeling too. I'm not saying I don't have energy at points during the day, but it's muted and takes, I'm finding, too long to replenish. Something to ponder.
I am:
Listening to Rainbow Rising (Dio and Blackmore are a kick ass team).
Playing SW Battlefront (I finally CRUSHED the Droid armies at Mos Eisley, and Theed and the Empire at Kashyyyk *sp?*).
Watching Blade Trinity.
Looking forward to seeing my family.
Circles
I'm somewhat refreshed today. I went for a walk last night after work. I didn't go far, because last time out I found evidence of bear activity pretty close to camp. The ground around here, in the woods, is soft, mossy and very comfortable. I sat under a tree for close to an hour, listening to the wind and the birds, and saw a squirrel that was surprised to see me. I buried my fingers in the moss and thought about them as "roots", buried in the ground, drawing sustenance from the earth. I felt better when I was done, and went back to my room to read.
I'm still reading Elements of Ritual by Deborah Lipp, and alot of the ideas she's presented so far are good, practical and logical. I've found that some of her concepts I use in my rituals can be enriched by a deeper awareness. It's not that she's given me many new ideas, but expanded the ones I've already had. Of course, the history of some of the myths is always interesting. I also had marigold tea last night, which I read has correspondences to prophetic dreams. I thought since I'd drawn perth, and I was in a cycle of mysteries and prophecy, I'd experiment a little. I had a dream about viral sickness of a friend and uncontrollable emotion on my part.
I was also woken at 11pm last night by a soft knock on my door (which caused me to lose the first dream I was having). I'm a light sleeper, and I wasn't sure I'd actually heard it or not, but I answered it anyway. One of the superintendents needed access to the warehouse for the night shift, so I had to get dressed and open the place for him. So, even though I fell asleep at 9:30, before the sun went down, I got to see the moon. She always give me a sense of peace, since the days when I would lay out on the grass at 2 or 3am and watch the stars.
Today's Rune:
Eihwaz- Yew
Again. I'm getting awfully familiar with this rune. It represents change, initiation and death. Odin hung from the yew in his sacrifice for the runes, and yew is sacred as an immortal tree. Perhaps there is a lesson here I'm not learning.
Revelation
I had an idea about my energy just this minute, and thought I'd write it down. Energy ebbs and flows in and out of me like water. One minute I'm full, energized, and the next, drained. I was reading some of my old posts and "drained" is a word I use alot. Like the energy is sucked out of me, being somehow unable to contain it. Perhaps it's my disconnection with the earth. The few times I've felt really energetic the last couple of months were after my equinox ritual, when it rained and I listened to it for a few hours, and when I got to go for a walk or lay in the grass.
I'm going to make an effort to do more outside, even around here to see if anything improves. I got to see the moon briefly last night, so I think tonight I'll sit outside after everyone goes to bed. I think I'll bring my pipe next shift too, which will encourage me to sit outside. Health through tobacco.
Random Thoughts
I take myself too seriously sometimes. There are days the littlest things upset me, things that other days, I wouldn't think twice about. I'm looking forward to getting out of here, relaxing at home (I haven't spent any time at home in a almost a month and I still have over a week to go).
I found out the other night that the gravel pit, the place I usually hold my ritual and Beltane and Solstice fires, is no longer available to us. Diane's dad was leasing the land from another farmer, and this year he's decided to lease it to someone else. This days off I think we're going to go horseback riding and see if we can't find another place. It's good to change, and with the transformations I've been experiencig lately, perhaps this will be an opportunity for futher change.
A couple of weeks ago, I printed off a translation of Havamal, "Sayings of Har", a collection of verses that impart the wisdom and virtues of Odin. I've found a few versions of it, but the one I printed (though dangerously) translates not just the words, but retains the "poetic" quality of it. Everyday I read one, in the morning before I leave for work, and today's struck me:
16
A coward believe he will ever live
If he keep him safe from strife;
But old age leaves him not long in peace
Though spears may spare his life.
I've always embraced the ideas of bravery and facing things head on, never turning from challenge or death.
Hmmm. Dark again today.
Today's Rune:
Wunjo- Glory
Success, achievment, bliss. I've noticed with my runes that they are usually a day ahead, and that they tend to reveal a general "sense" of things. For instance, Nauthiz, which I drew on friday, related more to the the overall state of mind I've had the past couple of days. Perth has given me an indication of deeper mysteries that may be influential, but I've been too tired and too blocked. Wunjo brings me indication of some sort of accomplishment that may be on the horizon.
The Best Laid Plans...
In light of what I said earlier about being lucky, there is of course a price. The new music I have and the research I had planned for today has been postponed. Not only is it one of the busiest days I've had in a long time, I'm training a new summer student, sent to replace Lesleigh. I have listened to my Mafia album, while being bugged and pausing it every third song to help someone, but I haven't done any research.
I did, however, decide that I wanted to look up the historical significance of the pentagram, determine it's origins, associations and fundamentals of its magical properties.
Tuesday
I can't think of anything of any consequence to write about today. I'm not in the mood for people today, finding myself short of patience. On the up side, Mike brought my Black Label Society Mafia album, which I'm listening to. He also brought Mudvayne's Lost and Found and Nine Inch Nails' With Teeth. I was complaining yesterday about needing new music, and today I have it. I'm lucky that way, and always have been. I find that whenever I crave something, or need something, things fall in place that make them happen. Hmmm. I wonder if it's my own ability to make things happen, or something bigger.
Last night I played Battlefront for a couple of hours, destroying the Rebels at Cloud City and then being anhilated by the droids at Kasshyk. One of these days, the CIS armies will be crushed beneath my boot.
Today, I'm going to do some on-line research on something specific, as soon as I find a topic. I'll update later.
Plans for the Evening
The cross shift is drawing to a close, and everyone will be back at work tomorrow. The past few days have been nice, in that I didn't have to deal with too many people, and I got some of my own stuff done (aka: chapter 4). Tonight will be a late night of constant stomping as people file into the trailers from the busses, so I likely won't get to sleep until late, so I was thinking about what to do tonight:
Play some SW Battlefront (I still haven't beat the droids at Mos Eisley).
Read some Elements of Ritual (maybe. My brain is thinking about having a nap).
Have some chamomile tea (this one for sure).
Read some Spider-Man.
Play some Spider-Man 2 on X-box.
Have a shower (working in the warehouse is about the dustiest place).
Details
You ever have those moments when everything seems relevant? When the tiniest detail of the mundanest thing seems to have some purpose to something? This is the closest thing to a "mystical experience" I've had since I was living in my bachelor suite apartment back in '96. So, here are some mundane details, recorded for posterity:
I'm listening to David Usher's "Alone in the Universe".
I'm drinking cold coffee from two and a half hours ago.
I'm entering material receivings into Lynx II (a detail that won't make sense to alot of you).
I have on top of my hard drive 2 sith, 2 R2 units, 2 jawas, 2 pinecones and a pink porche.
I can't shake the slight smile and light feeling I've got.
The New Lord
I know I've been spending alot of time talking about the "imaginary" people in my head, and today will be no different. I mentioned the yesterday that there was a new one in me, Xanth. Sonja and I started talking about him a little and she mentioned the possibility that Xanth is not a new being, but perhaps was Tolerran. I'm still out on that one, and though she decided that it's unlikely, I'm not ruling it out. I did, however, decide to think about Xanth, and try to come up with who he is.
Xanth is the historian of my world, the storyteller exploring the roots of who I am, cataloguing and developing the ideas I'd begun at various stages of my life. He has his own library, smaller than Trynn's, a wooden room with small windows on all sides and a smaller desk cluttered with papers.
Xanth is the healer of my mind. The part of me that warns the others about moderation and balance. He is younger, but wiser than the rest, and has no need for binges. He likes to drink, but doesn't like being drunk, and will drink only a little coffee. He's a smoker (in fact, Tali is the only one who isn't), but only "medicinally". There is no excess in Xanth.
Xanth is the patient mediator, who seeks to bring balance also to the world around him. He sees, through experience, that many arguments have many sides, and explores the whole scenario before making a decision. Also, he is patient, compassionate and will help those who need it. Also, Xanth has an understanding of the elements that Trynn did not, and has the potential to be more powerful.
He is darkness and light, quick to laugh, and capable of wrath. The warrior witch, the wise and wicked. Essentially, he is the child of the others and has Brant's sense of duty, but not his sense of disbelief. He has Lan's wit, but not his animal power. He has Tali's patience, but not her skill. He has Trynn's darkness and interest in magic, but not his focus. And he has Tolerran's innate curiosity, but not his naivete. The others are there to guide him and even still interact on a separate level, and may well resume leadership at some point. But for now, it seems, Xanth has the keys, is Lord of the Keep, and patiently writes and tends to the wounded.
Today's Rune:
Perth- Dice Cup
Perth is a rune of mystery, of rebirth, of prophecy. It's meaning, it is said, represents the dice cup tipped to reveal the dice, unknown until cast. It is a vessel that holds the unseen. I'm
very excited to see this rune today, especially in light of the the now again waxing moon.
Chapter 4 is Up
Prepare, faithful readers, for the fourth chapter likely makes no sense at all. And it isn't supposed to. I intended this to reveal a little of my whacky side, and I think it worked. More or less, this is my imagination. I used to walk out to Jeff's alot when I lived in Edson, and he lived out in the country. Many hours I spent alone in the swamp and marsh around that area, and got to know my way around there pretty well. Back then, I would imagine adventures to keep from getting bored while I went, and though this "didn't actually happen", these types of stories passed the time for me, alone in the woods.
Xanth's Debut
My mind is active today. Jumbled, eclectic and racing, but I feel inspired. I feel darker today too. Sonja and I have been having a conversation that went in an odd direction. What started out as me declaring a dedication to the path of Witchcraft and Wicca ended up being a discussional (made up word of the day) path that went from "fluffy bunnies" to Gods/Goddesses to morality, impulses and ended, I think, in me not being psychotic.
I've always had a darker aspect. My sense of humour, my patience, my overall sense of being has changed alot over the years. I'm not the same person I was ten years ago, though I have glimpses of who I was once in a while. I've changed from being abrasive and dark to being (dare I say it?) amiable and dark. I guess I've moved more into a state of grey.
So what's the problem? It's new to me. I'm inquisitive, and I don't let go of things; I catagorize and analyize everything to death. Through the years, I've developed several personalities that allowed me to adapt to different things, but at the same time, they were too varied and eventually started to fight each other. I think this new "grey" could be a reblending of them. Perhaps it's another one. I suspect that it is more likely that a new character has been introduced, and I don't think it's unreasonable to call him Xanth. A character that has Brant's grounding, Tali's compassion and respect of life, and Trynn's sense of power. The others are still there. They still appear from time to time, and Xanth is not as strong in these characteristics as the others are. He doesn't have the expertise of each, but a sense of them all.
I can't describe the way I feel today. It's like trying to give shape to clouds. I'm changing, swirling, massless. Interesting feeling, really.
Lan
Whew! I've just finished the fourth page of chapter 4. I've been in an odd mood today, and I think it's leaking into my story. I take that back. It
is leaking into my story. This chapter, so far, is turning out to be more or less fictional, but builds the character of Lan. Lan is back in the woods fending off the boredom of his mind with his imagination and stories. He's the harshly funny me, the one that will bite you and crack a joke about it. He's often tactless, and yet charming. For a fox.
Sonja has me discussing emotions and energy in our blog, Old Stone Walls. It's interesting that thinking about some of this stuff, and talking about it bring about interesting new understandings and perspectives.
Saturday Morning Cartoons
It's been a slow start for me this morning. I had a hard time tricking my body that it was not really saturday, my day off, my day of laying on the couch all morning, drinking coffee, watching cartoons and playing nintendo. Logic won out though. I finally convinced myself that if it
were saturday, Xanth would be laying in my armpit with his paws on my face and Diane would have elbowed me in the ribs by now.
I worked on
Mythology of the Mind (you'll have to link from my links because I'm not smart enough and can't figure out how to do the embedded link)
*edit* Yes I am!! Whoo Hooo!!* a little yesterday. It's hard to get into the groove of writing with constant interuption. I'm thinking about staying late to work on it, but we're working 12 hour days as it is. It's going to be a good chapter though, that sets up for one of my worst moments and the final wedge between my life before and after Edson.
Blah. I have to get up and move around before my body convinces my mind that it really
IS saturday and I go back to sleep.
I am:
Wishing I had gone home for the weekend
Indecisive about what I want to listen to
Reading Elements of Ritual
Planning to go for a walk tonight to clear my head
The Morning After
It rained here yesterday; the first true rain of the year, and it was beautiful. When I lived in Chilliwack, the rain drove me nuts, and at the same time, it was cleansing. I remember walking up the street, on the east end of Yale, late at night, in the rain getting drenched while I wandered, writing poetry and stories in my head. I was "tragic" then; the broken hero, healing from the wounds of previous wars, or at least I thought so. Before that, the rain was also soothing to me, cleansing, when I was young living in Edson. The sound of the rain on the tin roof of our trailer put me to sleep almost every time. Or playing out in the grass, getting soaked and not caring. Rain washed the dust off of everything, made things seem new again.
Last night, I opened my window and read while listening to the rain. It was likely the most perfect night I've had since I came to camp. I slept with my window open, taking in the smells and cool air that always accompany rain. There is no vegitation around our trailers, however, and the wet, verdant green of everything was the only thing that was absent.
I'm "Trynn" today; dark, quiet, reflective. It's a good day for writing, I think, and reading; for spending some time by myself. Of course, I'm at work so that will be difficult, but I'll make the time.
I started reading Elements of Ritual by Deborah Lipp last night, and I'll admit Sonja was right. The book is enlightened. I like the idea of the squared circle being representative of the elements; that all four must be present to give wholeness, that the Spirit comes from combinations of Air, Earth, Fire, and Water.
I wonder though, are the gods, then, children of the elements?
Today's Rune:
Nauthiz- Need, Necessity
Frustration, hardship, discontent. I'm interested to see how this plays out.
Decisions
Diane just phoned to let me know that she'd heard on the radio this afternoon that Black Label Society is touring Canada. But better yet, They're opening for (insert suspenseful pause)... BLACK SABBATH!!!!!!! Whoooo!!! BLACK FUCKIN' SABBATH!!!! Ok, I'll admit it, I'm a little excited about the prospect. I'll have to see if I can find out more.
Everyone has left, except Ken and I, and the warehouse is blissfully quiet. Ahh, the peace of getting work (actual "I get paid for this work") done while everyone else is gone is awesome. If I had the chance, I'd work by myself most of the time. I get more done when people around and I have more time to think.
I've decided that I am a witch. If I'm going to study and practise witchcraft, I should devote myself to it. I think only in giving myself over to it will I be able to understand it as intensely as I want to. So, here begins my submersion into the depths of witchcraft. For years I've been sitting on the fence, and have come to the conclusion that this path makes sense to me, and beckons me in a way other paths never have. I agree with and have followed the 13 Principals of Belief for a long time, and have decided that this is my way. Having said that, #8 reads "Calling oneself "Witch" does not make a Witch - but neither does heredity itself, or the collecting of titles, degrees, and initiations. A Witch seeks to control the forces within him/herself that make life possible in order to live wisely and well, without harm to others, and in harmony with Nature." So, saying I'm a witch isn't claiming it so much as committing myself to this. Does that make sense?
Gifts From Home
Thursday is normally the day I'd be going home, but I'm staying through this weekend. I haven't had a very good track record with cross-shifts this year. The last one I stayed, Art died and the last weekend I was going to stay, my grandma died. I think perhaps the gods are trying to tell me that "life is too short for working so hard". But I'm staying this weekend because I'm needed, and because I plan on going on holidays this summer, so I need to save up some money.
On the bright side, Diane sent me a package of stuff. I'd run out of shaving cream and toothpaste, she also sent Raiders of the Lost Ark, Clue, my Elements of Ritual book, and jelly beans. As added bonus, I got a "mystery surprise egg" that had a small pink porsche inside, a dvd of SpongeBob Squarepants, and a little stuffed bear. I love surprises.
So, This weekend my plans are to work on chapter 4 of MOTM, read, read, read and read, and get alot of work done. The morning so far has been pretty high energy of the people around me. I'm starting to feel more attuned to the manifest energies of groups of people. It's a positive, but wild energy, that could easily go out of control.
Today's Rune
Ehwaz- Horse
This falls in line with what I'm feeling from people. It cautions against recklessness though.
This Title Doesn't Start With "R"
Oh, my aching feet. I've been running all day, packing chairs, grilling hot dogs and organizing labour crews. The BBQ went great though. Everyone seemed to have a good time, and everyone got fed. Every so often, it's interesting to work with a team to accomplish something. It's even better when I can work by myself after and hide in my cubical.
So, I mentioned I was reading Buckland's big blue book. Raymond Buckland, a student of Gardner and seemingly fellow eclectic, laid out the book to be a "textbook" of sorts. He mentions in the introduction that the book is to be read through, from start to end, as each section is actually a lesson, complete with essay questions and an exam. I finished the first lesson last night, dealing mostly with history of withcraft, myths and christian supression of pagan beliefs. His ideas seem fairly consistant with what I know about european history (one of the thousand courses I took in 3-1/2 years as a general studies student in college), although he tends to be a little one sided.
I'll continue to update this as I progress through the book, if it continues to be fruitful to do so.
Running
I've been extremely relaxed, if not in body, in mind. My days have been hectic, as far as physical work, and I've decided this morning, in the bleariness of half consciousness (usually when I have a epiphanies) that maybe work is stressing me out because I haven't been devoting my time to it. I've been splitting my constructive time between my job and my work (my OWN work), and doing both half assed. I think I should focus on work during work hours and stay afterwards to do blogging and internet research.
But now, I have a BBQ to help set up, so I'll be outside again for the better part of the day. I love outside :)
I am:
Reading Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft, and oddly I'm intrigued by the ideas
Collecting pine cones to decorate my desk
Enjoying the sunshine and exploring the attributes of Air
Today's Rune:
Eihwaz- Yew
Again. The same rune I had for Beltane eve, and is the rune of initiation, change and death.
Restless
I'm bored. There's an amount of restlessness about me that might get me in trouble today. A couple of times I had to bite my tongue when I would have said something out of line. I'm filled today with an impatient energy, and I think it has to do with both the beautiful weather and the morons that don't understand basic concepts like "borrowing means you have to return this". Having said that, I'm still bored. I have no drive to work today, but I should discipline myself here and get some stuff accomplished.
I am:
Lost on Nar Shaddal, indiscrimantly killing Exchange thugs
Listening to Paul Simmon's greatest hits
Alternately drinking root beer and coffee
Learning to trust my intuition
Today's Rune:
Algiz- Protection
I am protected. Good to know. :)
*Update*
I went to work outside this afternoon. It's way too beautiful right now to be shackled to my computer. However, I left my hard hat in a vehicle travelling around site, so I'm stuck here now for the rest of the day :P
Oh, and I'm listening to Danzig, not Paul Simmon.
Reflective Monday
For Beltane yesterday, since I couldn't have a fire, I went to Barb's and had a bath. I lit some candles in a dish in place of my fire, ran the bath with myrrh oil and tried to do a bit of meditating. I had to laugh at myself, while meditating, because two days ago I complained that my mind was too quiet, and last night, it was too noisy. The rampant thoughts of the day ran through my mind making it impossible to shut out the outside world long enough to let my senses go.
After my bath and a visit and movie with Barb, I phoned Sonja and had a series of really good conversations. She's been bugging me to read The Elements of Ritual, and I've been, for one excuse or another, putting it off. But she read me some excerpts last night, and I'm intrigued. I'm going to have Diane sent it and some other things up to me for the cross-shift, since I won't be home until the 19th.
I'm feeling a little like a dink today. I haven't been very compassionate or focused lately, and I haven't had a long conversation with Diane because of it. I have to make an effort to not miss the great things in my life, like her, and hold on them. We don't always have the same interests, but she always makes an effort to listen to me and understand me. It's easy for me to be self centered, absorbed in my mind and distant from the people around me, especially being so far from home.
Today's Rune:
Laguz- Water
The rune of the subconscious, intuition, emotion and fear.
Adventures in Fort McMurray
I don't know if anyone has noticed, but I can make most of mundane life into a series of grand adventures. Last night would to most seem an ordinary tour into town for beer and supper, but for me it was an escape from the gloomy clutches of camp.
Yesterday morning, Alex and I were having a conversation about going to town, and decided that since I have my car here, we should go. After procuring Justin as designated driver, and inviting Mike because, well, Mike's a fun guy, we eagerly counted down the moments until 6:00.
The last half of the day was dragging, and we had planned to make our escape a few mintues early, but Marty (our boss) showed up. "You bastards aren't going anywhere until 6 o'clock," he bellowed. Dejected, he stood by the door counting down the last few minutes. It wasn't that he expects us to sit in our cubicals until quitting time, it was that he didn't want to have to explain why four of his crew are walking up the sidewalk, past the offices early. Justin's watch ticked and ticked, each eternal space between the seconds bringing us closer.
5:59:52 Alex finally breaks. "Well, I don't actually report to Marty," he says, grinning wide beneath a greying moustache and charges out the door. It started a small stampede. Big Mike pushed his way through us and followed Alex, and Justin and I shrugged and went.
After a quick change to freshen up, I met the guys on the road by my car, we piled in and hit the road. Literally. Within 2 minutes of embarking on our journey, I bottomed out my car. The rest of the trip was relatively quiet if bumpy. I hit two more deep ruts, scraping the bottom of my car and getting on the highway revealed a new wobble in my steering wheel that was not there before.
The conversation was light, the highlight of which was when Alex looked out the window and said, "deer."
"Did you say 'beer'?" I asked, my head whipping around to look at him in the back seat, touching the brake lightly.
"No, deer. You can't drink a deer," he answered chuckling.
I smiled slyly and said "you can if you have a really big blender." The result was grossing out Mike and Justin, who apperantly have watch far too much Fear Factor.
After an hour and a half, we arrived at Tavern on Main Taphouse and Eatery. We walked into a small, brightly lit pub. Small round table with tall chairs were lined around the outside of the room, and a series of long bar-like tables seperated the rest of the room in a long L. The place was packed, but Alex had the forthought to have his girlfriend meet us there, so she was saving us a place to sit. Unforunately, for all the people in the tavern on a saturday night in Fort McMurrray, they only had two waitresses working.
After a short wait, our ravenhaired server pushed her way through the noisey throng and can to take our order. "Big pint of traditional," I said eagerly, the words spilling from my mouth, greedily rubbing my hands together. The beer came quickly and I raised my glass and made a silent toast to Freya. The sweet, dark beer was delicious, and by the end of it, I was starting to feel the fog in my brain burn away. It should be noted at this point, that I had fasted all day, so the beer's intoxicating effects didn't hesitate to take effect. Before I had finished the first, I'd ordered a second, which I toasted to Mike for getting his driver's license last days off.
The company was good. Alex's girlfriend, Norma, brought a couple of co-workers, Shawn and Nicole. Shawn was quiet and a little shy. Nicole, on the other hand, was quite outspoken. We had a few bouts of "outwit the drunk skinny guy", which she lost most of the time. Recognizing alot of the music being played, Justin and I sang along, laughing at each other's lack of vocal ability. "Who sings this?" Nicole asked, a quizical look on her face.
"Neil Diamond," I answered, still laughing at Justin, who was dancing in his seat.
"Let him." It was an old gag, but I wasn't expecting it. The second time I was.
"Who sings this?" she asked again when we were singing to CCR.
"I do," I said grinning. Then the song changed, and I continued, "hey, what do you know, I sing this one too."
Two pints down and a cajun chicken burger later, I was feeling quite jovial, but the place was getting too crowded. People were now pressed into the corner behind us, and I hate crowds, let alone crowds behind me. I didn't order a third pint, figuring we were getting ready to go, until Mike ordered a beer. Damn it. I flagged down the waitress and ordered another pint.
I was feeling generous after two and a half pints of beer, so I paid the tab. Seven people, dinner and drinks was $242 and change, but worth it. I had a great time.
Justin by this point was starting to get ansy. We have to be back in camp, through the security gate before midnight, and knowing how bad the road is, he wanted to get going. But not before we went 7-11. I was halfway out the door when I remembered what I wanted beer for in the first place. I ran back to my almost empty pint and took a mouthful of ale, inspired by Odin and the Mead of Poetry, I held the beer in my mouth until I was outside. I found a patch of grass nearby and spat the beer into it, pouring out the beer again to Freya.
We drove then to 7-11 for last minute snacks and supplies for camp. I noticed that Mike and Alex didn't come in. As it turns out, while I was purchasing Marvel Knights Spider-Man issue 13, a big bag of skittles and my empty Darth Vader head slurpee cup, Mike and Alex were buying drinks for the road.
The rest of the trip was a blur of Budweiser super cans, a gross shot of tequila and lime, a lesson in appreciation of David Wilcox, and talking into my Darth Vader slurpee cup trying to convince Mike to "join me, and we will the galaxy as father and son".
So, why the long, drawn out blog when I could have said "Last night three coworkers and I went to town for supper and beers"? The fog is lifting. My mind isn't entirely where it should be, but I'm writing, and that's a start.
